i'm getting to the point where shooting myself wouldn't be enough

aside from the pain of the latin exam i just took, at least i am done with it until "we see the carnage on wednesday," as josh so eloquently put it. wonderful. tonight will be spent trying to forget about everything from today and writing world lit and politics papers. i have nothing to look forward to...except the end of this week. no wait, even that isn't something to look forward to; it only leads me into another set of days that are almost assuredly going to be worse than those i have already survived.
survival seems to be my only prize (and it is no prize worth having) in this endless game of chess where i am only the pawn at the disposal of either some higher power i don't believe in or the whim of the randomness of this world. neither is more comforting than the other.
in the end, none of this really matters so bitching about it is entirely in vain.
right now, i am caught in the middle with everything pulling me in a million opposite directions. i am uncertain...should i be depressed, or upset, or angry, or apathetic? should i give up? did i waste my chance for happiness or what seemed like happiness? or did i do nothing wrong and this is just the way it happens. either way, i hate it. i would sink into my own world full of apathy and indifference, but i know i'm unable to take that easy way out because i was so close to having what i wanted, or at least what i think i wanted.
i don't even have the ability to contemplate this past the surface level...i must return to reality where my time is bounded by the things i have done and have yet to do. now? chemistry.

what are you looking for?

i am a total bum. even though i didn't go to class, it feels like its been a really exhausting day. work probably caused most of that...too much chemical inventory, but at least i listen to my music while i'm doing it. i did my homework, in a very half-ass way, but i did it nonetheless.
i feel secluded and cut off from almost everyone. practice and dinner were my only brushes with society tonight, and that was only with three other people. i've found very little comfort in being in my room recently. i feel homeless. these are the few times when i actually miss the familiarity of my room back at home. this room does not feel like a home to me anymore, more just somewhere i'm forced to be when i have nowhere else to go. there is only one place and one person i feel comfortable around anymore. even people that i thought were good friends have turned out making me feel unwanted, just invisible.
"existential angst." perhaps that's where i am right now. its a cycle, it always is. i guess that means that at some point, i'll be out of it, but it sure doesn't look that way from here.
i am my own worst enemy. my self-defeating attitudes kill me.
i need something or someone to cling to. someone to show me that even if this all is futile, that there is something true in this world. someone to fall through the black holes with me, holding my hand, telling me that no matter what happens, there will always be something that transcends it all.
did i just figure it out? i think so. i just need you to be there.
now, what are you looking for?

my own little world

another long and crappy day, and it's not even over yet...blegh. the only good thing that happened today was latin class being cancelled. yes, that was awesome. i look forward to only a few things nowadays...breakfast with brian, music, talking to a few select people throughout the day, and perhaps the chance of seeing brian somewhere unexpected. the surprise is what gets me.
my fear for the coming week is starting to increase every time i think about it. a huge latin exam on monday, two papers (eight and five pages) due wednesday, plus all the normal assignments that take up a great majority of what little free time i have. yea, i need to get started or this could be bad. it seems as if this will be a bad weekend. at least there are only two more days of classes this week.
time is flying by me. my head is spinning. the only thing i see clearly is you, but i can't reach out for your hand. but is your hand even there to grab?
i'll get sick of it soon.

turning for you

not much to say...a good night followed by a crappy day. i'm sore, classes suck, homework is piling up, i'm running out of patience, and i'm lonely.
at least i have some good thoughts to keep me company.
sleep. yes. i'll try.

take my heart along

i've been up for what seems like a long time already today, but its good...i've gotten a few things accomplished (like finishing that book for politics class, which could have been much worse, and my laundry. yes, i like clean clothes). i've got a lot more to do and it all seems very daunting to me. i'm not sure this semester is going to turn out as i thought it would. lots more work, less friends, not much spare time...at least i keep getting to do one thing i hoped for all of break.
yesterday was a day of ups and downs. i woke up in a good mood despite not getting much sleep and the sleep i did get was pretty restless, but then had to go deal with my family, which is always incredibly tiring. i came back here looking forward to spending time with brian. he was with sandy and kevin, so i got some reading done and then hung out with the girls for a little bit during liz's birthday deal. in good company was slightly disappointing. i like dennis quaid immensely, as well as topher grace (i'm still iffy on scarlett johannsen), so that made it a little better. there were some parts that i thought were hilarious (i think i was the only one) in and out of the movie...brian's reactions were interesting to watch, but there was no explanation, so they were a little confusing. the drive from the theatre back to campus was one of the most uncomfortable conversations i've experienced in a very long time. mostly because of who i was talking to and what we were talking about. i have my regrets, they are many, and that night is one of my biggest. not just because of how much of a fool i made myself, but also the impact it had on the way people perceive me. this is far different from me being worried about what people think of me...perception is very different.
i have never had my thoughts and feelings as thrown around as i have these past few months. its hard to deal with a lot of the time, but ultimately a good thing because of the things that have happened from that or because of that. i wouldn't want it to be any different.
i'm worried about all my classes when i think about the massive amounts of work i have to do for them, but those thoughts don't seem to linger very long. they are pushed out of my head by something else, someone else...my concentration is dwindling during class and when i'm trying to do my homework. these thoughts make me happy, but scare me at the same time. how is it possible to have those feelings at the same time? what does that mean? does it mean anything? why am i so hung up on the apparently prescribed "meaning" of things? i've never cared about it before...what am i looking for? these are the questions i can't seem to find an answer to. or i find an answer, but dismiss it immediately.
its time to get some real answers, but i don't know where to find them. a plea for help?
perhaps.

there's trouble in here

friday...finally. i'm still a little edgy after having been woken up at 2am because someone decided to pull the fire alarm. having to stand outside in big huddles of people trying to stay relatively warm was just excellent. oh well, at least something happened last night.
for the past few days, i have been wavering between depression and apathy. yesterday was one of the more depressing days that began sometime during work. i fear i'm inflicting my dreary moods upon the few people i spend time with and have determined to attempt to try and minimize my contact with them for that reason. in the long run, it will probably make my outlook worse, but i don't like sharing unhappiness so there you go.
i'm afraid that something i've said or done has pushed you away from me...or maybe i'm just imagining things. either way, it remains foremost in my thoughts. its hard for me to think about this because now all the stupid things i've done are coming back to me.
i am ready for the weekend. for the solitude that will come with all the homework i have to do. hopefully, i don't become so apathetic that i don't get anything done. in that way, depression would be better for this weekend...i'd be depressed, but at least i might get something done. i am still looking forward to the movie nonetheless.

if i lived 'til i was a hundred and two...

once again another wednesday spent just trying to get through the day while dealing with the angst of waiting for the weekend to come. i can't believe we've only been in school a week...thank you, kevin, for reminding us all of that. i am almost getting apathetic towards it all nowadays. things are changing in ways i never thought they would (most likely due to my naiveity). i feel secluded more and more everyday. and although i try to convince myself that its ultimately a good thing, it is still a little hard to deal with. maybe i'm not exactly how i think i am or want to be. probably not a thought i want to delve into tonight; i don't want to cause myself to feel more apathy and get all depressed.
classes went by faster than i thought they would today, so that was good. tomorrow i only have weights and history, but then i work from noon until 3:30. maybe my work schedule this semester wasn't the best idea i've ever had. at least tomorrow should go by fairly quickly and then it will be friday. i found out that dr. thomas, my latin teacher, is going to recommend/nominate (whatever you want to call it) me for the latin honor society dealie. i wasn't really listening when professor bucher explained it to me last semester, but it can't be bad by any means.
my aunt had her fifth (five is far too many!) child yesterday afternoon, a baby girl who still has no name. i'll probably get taken to see them both and my other cousins at some point in the near future while my grandparents are still out here helping out with all the kids. the good news is that this seems to be the only one of her children that doesn't have something horribly wrong with them at birth like the preceding ones did, so we are all really happy about that even though my aunt is the one who always ruins family events (sad, but true...she's evil, even my mom and her brothers and sisters say it).
anyway, i'm looking forward to the weekend for a few reasons. of course, the normal reasons in that it is a weekend. no classes, but lots of homework. my politics professor is making us read a book by class monday...and he even said "...just in case you had too much free time on your hands." jerk. oh well. i'm still looking forward to spending time with people (well, just one) who actually talk to me and don't attempt to ignore my existence...things like that, you know. on that point, i feel like i'm stuck in this place where i can't figure out how i'm supposed to act around certain people. its starting to really get to me because i feel like i have to be much more guarded in my words and actions around crew people...to the point where i don't even talk to brian in front of crew people (as it happened today).
but, i am going to stop before i say anything else incredibly stupid.

you're a catch and we're a perfect match

saturday...finally. even though classes only started on wednesday, it feels like it has been the longest week possible. i think i'm going to enjoy the majority of my classes, although i am scared for a couple. it has been somewhat disheartening hearing about all the people who are quitting crew. two coxswains (now we're down to four, and only three who show up consistently), and a couple other novice, not to mention the varsity girls and guy we knew weren't coming back and maybe one we didn't know about. its sad...i liked the team we had in the fall for the most part. oh well, we can't do much about it i don't think.
i'm pretty sure this week seemed so long because i wasn't enjoying it at all. i was anxious for my classes, the first of them anyways. nicole and i haven't been getting along as well as we were before break. luckily, i still spend most of my time with kelsey and liz and even hung out with kate, stephanie, and heather. that was fun. oh yea, and brian wasn't here...that made things really boring. i was stuck here every night trying to find ways to not do my homework (facebook and other distractions took care of that quite well). its ok though, he's back today...good stuff. can't wait to hang out with him tonight, hopefully.
that's all. i must attempt to get something productive done before the end of the day.

cause maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

ever had that feeling when your mind is working twice as hard as the rest of your body? it's been one of those nights. my mind is racing, but about nothing at all really. i feel like when i'm reading something, my mind is screaming it repeatedly. it is one of those things when these are the times i think i'm insane...voices screaming in my head? what the hell am i talking about? my mind is excited about something, yet the rest of me is the same, not reacting at all. i've had the feeling before where my body seems to be doing things faster than my mind can comprehend...yea, this is opposite of that. i don't get it; i don't know what it means. maybe it means nothing. maybe it means everything...i can't even begin to know.
today is thursday. thursday is good. tomorrow is friday. the day after that is saturday. brian gets back on saturday. that is very good. it has been a long time since i've seen him. maybe that's what this is all about. maybe not. another thing i don't know. it will be good to spend time with him again. i hope things don't get weird like most things have gotten since break. it seems that too long away from people causes changes, in my mind, unwanted changes. i'm not a big fan of change. unwanted change is definitely bad, but even neutral changes make me somewhat uncomfortable and challenge me. eek. scary thoughts. enough of that.
three classes tomorrow and then the weekend. i'm glad i don't have chem tomorrow, that should make the day go a little bit faster even though that seems to be my most interesting class on MWF. it feels like this has been a full week even though it really hasn't and we haven't even been doing things in class yet. scary. i'm looking forward to actually starting to do something in class. perhaps that will keep me from these weird unproductive nights where i start thinking and doubting.
writing my random thoughts here (even though no one reads them) has helped calm my mind down a bit. perhaps i will take a break from latin to ensure that i don't start freaking out again. yes, so until tomorrow...

omaha...somewhere in middle america

yes, back to omaha. normalcy...at least to some extent. i flew in yesterday morning (after almost not getting my bags checked) and got back to the dorms around one. i spent the afternoon unpacking and getting distracted by people coming back at random intervals and by stupid things with liz and kels. overall, it is good to be back. i have the same sort of tinges of homesickness as i did when i got here for first semester, but in a much different way i think. i'm not sure that will make sense to most people since it is somewhat contradictory, but it makes sense to me at least.
i am looking forward to my classes. albeit, a little less than i was a few days ago when i didn't know how much i would end up paying for books. it wasn't that bad money-wise, but i like to complain...so i will. especially since i bought the wrong book online for $30 and ended up having to buy the correct book brand new from the bookstore for $105. grr. oh well. i am still looking forward to classes though, especially government and world lit. i will probably end up disliking them in a few short days, but that's life, i suppose.
i am also really looking forward to the time i will get to spend out of class and work in the lab with my friends. i can't wait for all the laughs me, nicole, kels, and liz will have here in the dorms, the fun we'll have at crew practices, dinners, and regattas; and hopefully spending time with brian, whatever it is that ends up happening.
i plan to spend the rest of the afternoon being lazy for the last day before classes (government/politics tomorrow morning at 9:30...eek), yay.

38 hours and counting

things have reached the breaking point here. it is both good and bad that i have another day and a half here. luckily, most of those thirty-eight hours will be spent sleeping...a very good thing. it is too bad that i'm not leaving tomorrow though, that would make my life much easier.
anyway...
snowboarding today was good. a horrific traffic jam on the way up the hill made my time up there shorter than it would have otherwise been, but i'm out of shape so it was probably a good thing also. haven't done much since we got back...well, except get in a shouting match with my mom for no real reason at all. i take a lot after her...not a good thing if we're fighting. we both make some pretty low blows, so it seems to be somewhat evenly matched. perhaps she'll leave me alone tonight. either that, or she'll start yelling at me again later. and it is almost a guarantee that my dad will yell at me later for upsetting my mom or some crap like that. that's going to suck...it will ruin the good times i've had with my dad since i've been home. ah, well, i can't brood on it now. i've got stuff to do.
jay and i are probably going to go see a movie tonight and i may go to the nuggets game with him tomorrow. it is a rare occasion when him and i are getting along, so i will take advantage of it and try to spend time with him now before we get into an argument or something. that reminds me, i haven't really seen much of brian in the last few weeks. i saw him on christmas eve, both christmases, and was at his house for new year's eve...but other than that, he doesn't really have time for much other than jill, work, jill, debate, jill, school, and jill. oh well, i can't do anything about it. maybe i'll see him tomorrow if they come over for the family get-together thing...if it still happens.
enough rambling. i can't wait to get back to omaha, especially now. i am excited to see nicole, kels, liz, and all the people on gallagher 4, specifically kate, stephanie, and heather. just thinking about being back in the dorm makes me happy...isn't that sad? i'm looking forward to spending time with brian, my new classes, and crew for sure (once all the erging is done...). yay, i'm almost back where i feel at home!
thirty-eight hours and counting...

"i didn't know god made toy-stores for rich people"

maybe i was wrong. maybe it isn't a mad world. maybe the world is entirely sane. it must be me that is mad. everything seems to be going as it should, except in my head.
it's interesting to me that it could be so. no, wait...it's not. this is how it is supposed to be. yes, because the world is entirely detached from me and me from it. nothing i do has any repercussion on the world as a whole (probably a good thing) and nothing the world does has any impact on me. somewhat nihilistic? eh, i suppose.
nihilism. yes. embrace it.
"nobody knows anyone. you will never ever know me."

the mad world remains

it really has been an odd couple of days.
i've been sick since new year's day. probably a combination of spending time with multiple people who have been ill in the last week or so, (namely, jill and john [sleeping on their couch twice probably didn't help], and andrew and grace) and the drinking on new year's eve which, i'm guessing, may have taken my immune system down a few notches. oh well, i'm starting to feel a lot better than i did last night, which has been the worst of it, by far. i was slightly upset to have slept through most of jay's birthday deal over here last night, but the two ten year old boys running around wreaking havoc somewhat changed my stance on that. good for them. but, being sick is not what has made it all so weird.
on a side note, being sick has prevented me from going snowboarding with jay today and marke tomorrow. i'm still upset about it, but it was probably good for jay since he was nursing a hangover from his birthday night out and a concussion/laceration from new year's eve *funny story, he cut open his head at the poor house (a bar downtown) and doesn't remember how or even when. he ended up having to go to the ER on saturday night to get some staples put in. i think its hilarious. my parents and grandparents do not...they think he's an alcoholic.* mark is going back up to cu boulder on wednesday to get back into training for track season. i've only gotten to spend time with him twice, so i am still really upset about not being able to go board with him at winter park tomorrow. hopefully, i'll feel better tomorrow sometime so we can go catch a movie or something. mark is probably one of the few people i miss from mullen. others being katie and linds. i think that's about it. wow, aren't i pathetic? oh well, they're the best ones of the bunch.
brian got back from england on saturday. i was happy to get a chance to talk to him for a little bit on saturday, even if it was brief. we had an interesting conversation last night, as always, but things seem a little off. that feeling continued into today, but there really isn't much i can do about it. i've never been good about explaining my thoughts and feelings to people. i can usually talk to brian about them, but something is throwing me off. perhaps it's because of christmas break, my not feeling well, his being so busy, or something entirely different. i'm not sure. i'm also unsure of why i haven't been able to talk to him about it. well, maybe i'm not so unsure about why. i think i know exactly what it has to do with, but that too, seems to be something that i can't really talk to him about. i have these concerns growing inside me. they are all a bit hazy, to say the least. perhaps my anxiety about returning to school in a week has a lot to do with it.
i don't know. i'm done.
i've been thinking and acting somewhat out of character lately. there are a whole mess of reasons as to why and i'm not going to get into them. regardless, i'm full of uncertainty regarding multiple facets of my life. i am usually not one to worry incessantly, but recently, i've been contemplating everything and worrying about most things. very unlike me...usually i sort of just let things ride and see how they turn out. one thing in particular has me really worried, but i am only able to voice my worries on that subject to myself. maybe talking to myself (not audibly) is the first concern. just kidding, i don't care. i have more things to worry about than talking to myself...many more.
yes, i'm done now.

mad world

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for the daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
the tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow, no tomorrow
and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles its a very very
mad world
mad world
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
and they feel the way that every child should
sit and listen
sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me
no one knew me
hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
look right through me
look right through me
and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles its a very very
mad world
mad world
enlarging your world
mad world

happy new year?

2005, woohoo...or something. i don't know. it seems weird, like there should have been some crazy futuristic world born...perhaps.
it's early (yes, noon is early) and i just got back to my house. i think it's time for a shower and some food. no orange juice though...