i'm getting to the point where shooting myself wouldn't be enough

aside from the pain of the latin exam i just took, at least i am done with it until "we see the carnage on wednesday," as josh so eloquently put it. wonderful. tonight will be spent trying to forget about everything from today and writing world lit and politics papers. i have nothing to look forward to...except the end of this week. no wait, even that isn't something to look forward to; it only leads me into another set of days that are almost assuredly going to be worse than those i have already survived.
survival seems to be my only prize (and it is no prize worth having) in this endless game of chess where i am only the pawn at the disposal of either some higher power i don't believe in or the whim of the randomness of this world. neither is more comforting than the other.
in the end, none of this really matters so bitching about it is entirely in vain.
right now, i am caught in the middle with everything pulling me in a million opposite directions. i am uncertain...should i be depressed, or upset, or angry, or apathetic? should i give up? did i waste my chance for happiness or what seemed like happiness? or did i do nothing wrong and this is just the way it happens. either way, i hate it. i would sink into my own world full of apathy and indifference, but i know i'm unable to take that easy way out because i was so close to having what i wanted, or at least what i think i wanted.
i don't even have the ability to contemplate this past the surface level...i must return to reality where my time is bounded by the things i have done and have yet to do. now? chemistry.