take my heart along

i've been up for what seems like a long time already today, but its good...i've gotten a few things accomplished (like finishing that book for politics class, which could have been much worse, and my laundry. yes, i like clean clothes). i've got a lot more to do and it all seems very daunting to me. i'm not sure this semester is going to turn out as i thought it would. lots more work, less friends, not much spare time...at least i keep getting to do one thing i hoped for all of break.
yesterday was a day of ups and downs. i woke up in a good mood despite not getting much sleep and the sleep i did get was pretty restless, but then had to go deal with my family, which is always incredibly tiring. i came back here looking forward to spending time with brian. he was with sandy and kevin, so i got some reading done and then hung out with the girls for a little bit during liz's birthday deal. in good company was slightly disappointing. i like dennis quaid immensely, as well as topher grace (i'm still iffy on scarlett johannsen), so that made it a little better. there were some parts that i thought were hilarious (i think i was the only one) in and out of the movie...brian's reactions were interesting to watch, but there was no explanation, so they were a little confusing. the drive from the theatre back to campus was one of the most uncomfortable conversations i've experienced in a very long time. mostly because of who i was talking to and what we were talking about. i have my regrets, they are many, and that night is one of my biggest. not just because of how much of a fool i made myself, but also the impact it had on the way people perceive me. this is far different from me being worried about what people think of me...perception is very different.
i have never had my thoughts and feelings as thrown around as i have these past few months. its hard to deal with a lot of the time, but ultimately a good thing because of the things that have happened from that or because of that. i wouldn't want it to be any different.
i'm worried about all my classes when i think about the massive amounts of work i have to do for them, but those thoughts don't seem to linger very long. they are pushed out of my head by something else, someone else...my concentration is dwindling during class and when i'm trying to do my homework. these thoughts make me happy, but scare me at the same time. how is it possible to have those feelings at the same time? what does that mean? does it mean anything? why am i so hung up on the apparently prescribed "meaning" of things? i've never cared about it before...what am i looking for? these are the questions i can't seem to find an answer to. or i find an answer, but dismiss it immediately.
its time to get some real answers, but i don't know where to find them. a plea for help?
perhaps.