it is all very interesting to me

a weekend that seemed long while i was in the midst of it, but went by far too quickly now that it has passed already. friday night was enjoyable. i took the night off of homework entirely (may have been a mistake, but i wouldn't change it at all). brian and i took panera back to davis and ate while watching the middle bit of twister. then we started i heart hucakbees (with some cheesecake in the middle...wow, so good), which is a movie i had been looking forward to seeing since i first saw the poster on brian's wall. it was definitely enjoyable. i found myself laughing a lot and liked the whole thing.
saturday morning was the erg race against nebraska and the women's division I team. it was indeed a 1000m piece for the cox'ns (definitely a good thing) and mine was the first race of the day. there were four other female cox'ns who raced, although i didn't know it at the time. i placed second (but it wasn't announced that way, so no one knows...oh well, who really cares?), about 3 seconds behind the women's DI cox'n, a girl they call pineapple who is shorter than me, crazy. brian coxed me and was definitely the reason i did as well as i did, and i don't even think i said thanks (i'm a bad person). oh yea, and i improved on my 1k record by almost 12 seconds. our team did well. we had a few people win races and a lot of people placed. after the races were all over, some of the team (maybe 14 people) went out to brunch. that was alright. food was pretty cheap and the company, save one or two, was mediocre. after a shower, i got all my stuff together and went over to brian's to study...too bad that didn't happen. i fell asleep for most of the afternoon, we ate our bagels from panera, and then left to go seen because of winn dixie. we got delayed in gallagher hanging out with steph and kate, but eventually made it to the exact replica (i swear) of the theatre from donnie darko, except in council bluffs. i'm pretty sure we were the only ones in the whole building, and the guy had to start the movie for us. the movie was predictable, but it was cute and i thoroughly enjoyed the few parts with dave matthews in them. he sang a song, butterfly, that i really liked and want, but that apparently does not exist anywhere...suck. after another piece of cheesecake, sleep was greatly appreciated.
sunday was chaotic. got to sleep in a little bit and got a small amout of studying done in the morning before brunch. then i had to rush to meet my family to drive out to lincoln to see joan, andrew, and grace at andrew's fencing tournament. it was running way behind, so i only got to see him fence twice, but he was showing off like a true slaughter-"schrader"-adams child. he did really well placing 3rd in the age division above his (12 year olds) and winning the 10 year old division. it was good seeing them and they are one of the few reasons i'm excited to go home. i got back to campus at 5:29 and had a meeting for relay at 5:30. the meeting was interesting...now i'm captain of the crew relay for life team. i'm stressed about that, but i think it will all work out alright in the end. i didn't get much studying done last night, but i just got out of my world lit midterm, which definitely could have gone worse....so i'm alright. one midterm down, three to go. tomorrow is the chem lab practical. i'm a little worried, but this isn't really something you can study for, which is comforting and disconcerting at the same time.
i now have less than an hour before practice to attempt to get something written up to give people about relay for life. i do have a serious fear that it won't go well and i'll now be the one to blame (rather than steve). responsibility...scary. i'll do my best though, i know that for sure. its for morgan; i have to do better than my best.
i still fear it is all a dream. even if it isn't, i am scared that it will end like a bad dream and i'll be left with the fading taste of it in my mouth preventing me from ever forgetting. that dream last night really scared me. i hope no part of it ever comes true.
if it is all a dream though, please don't wake me up. i need you.

mounting fear and anxiety.

each minute closer i get to the coming week, my anxiety increases exponentially. as happy as i am that this week is almost over, i don't want to deal with all the pressure and stress of next week. monday is my world lit midterm (haven't even looked at the study guide yet). tuesday is my chem lab practical (haven't looked at that yet either). wednesday is my chem exam (which i already know i'm fucked for. i'll be expecting another failing grade...sweet!). thursday is my weights midterm (don't laugh, apparently everyone gets d's and f's on this test). and i'm dreading friday the most because that's the day i leave...at midnight on the dreaded train. at least the week will be over, but for the next week after that, i will be stuck at home without the one thing that continually makes me happy. when i think about that, i start to really worry about summer. its going to be hell. but i don't have time to think about that now...i need to start studying!
wait, no. not yet. i don't have time today...
lunch with kate: 11:15
work: 12-3:30
kfc: 3:45-5
captains meeting with brian: 5:30
dinner
homework
playoff basketball game: 9
homework
sleep
wow, that freaks me out. i'm not going to be able to deal with next week very well...shoot me now before it starts.
oh well, i'll look forward to a bit of happiness this weekend. maybe kate's play on friday night. mike said something about ice cream. the erg race on saturday morning (can't wait to get that over with...once i get my ass kicked by every other cox'n). seeing my family, especially joan, andrew, and grace, on sunday. i'm also excited to see andrew fence. i've only seen him when i took him to practice every week over the summer, but i hope he does well since he's going to have quite a cheering section. i can't wait to see them...wow, yea, i'm excited for that.
and of course, as always, i will be glad to get to spend whatever time i can with brian.

kharma...damn it.

that's really all i can say at this point.
like i was just attempting to explain to jason...i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do about this whole situation, so there isn't really anything i feel i can do at this point. i guess i'm stuck here trying to ignore it or something. we only have two and a half months left, plus the week of spring break i'll be home for and all the weekends in april when i'll be with the people i most enjoy - the crew team. i know i can make it through it all as long as i have you around. i'll try to make in on my own first before i start leaning on you all the time and i hope you know you can lean on me whenever you need to (sounds like the incredibly cliche song, lean on me, but...well, yes, maybe it is cliche. oh well).
i'll continue to look forward to the things that make me happy now...
brian, hanging out with kate and stephanie, practice, weekends of coldstone and movies with brian, kate, steph, and kevin; and conversations with jason even if they are circular and pointless, they're still enjoyable for what they are.
...and the things that i know will be some of the best times to come...
regattas, practice on the water, intramural soccer, relay for life, and more evenings and weekends spent with everyone i already mentioned.
when i think about it like that, i have a lot to look forward to even though it seems like everything is shitty now.
like kate said, tomorrow will be better than today. it has to be. she's a smart girl.
you all make me happy. i hope i can do the same for you.

spreadin out our wings tonight

i'm in a surprisingly good mood, especially for a monday morning.
i'm relaxed. i'm not stressing about anything...not even my history exam tomorrow. i'm not exactly sure where all this is coming from, but i have a pretty good idea.
i hope this lasts for more than just the morning, and i think it may because chem and world lit pose no threat that i know of.
i am worried about the erg race this weekend though. with only one real 2k under my belt, i feel horribly underprepared, not to mention the fact that i haven't been erging consistently and my body feels like its falling apart. my goal at this point is just to finish. sure a medal would be nice, but does it really matter? no, not at all. it will be fun and will be a good experience. hopefully this will create a little bit of team unity before the ice cream social ruins the whole thing.
last night, brian asked me what i blamed for people quitting the team. do i blame the leadership? i didn't answer because i wasn't sure. and i'm still not. i don't think there is one direct person or group of people that can be blamed. i think it probably has a lot to do with leadership, unity, commitment, coaching, and the people themselves (definitely not in that order). i've always had a problem with being one of the most committed people with whatever i do because that's just the way i am. i am always discouraged and depressed when i see people who are not committed to something because it inevitably detracts from the team as a whole and brings everyone down. i guess there may be an upside in that we're getting down to some of the people who are the most committed to the team. that's good, i suppose.
i'm excited for the coming season. i can't wait to get back on the water. seeing carter lake on saturday night, even though it was still frozen, made me happy. being there with four of my closest friends (i think they are anyway) made it amazing. talking about regattas and traveling with kevin, kate, and steph on sunday morning just got me even more excited. of course i'm terrified to no end...i don't think that will ever go away, but the combination of excitement and fear is the best part. (and that just reminds me of armageddon) i can't wait. thinking about it gives me this very uneasy feeling like i need to get up and start running to get some of the energy out.
i'll have to attempt to try and gather my thoughts coherently later on today.

Morgan

a shift.

in the past two days, most of my attention (to an extent) has been directed towards relay for life. this seems to be something that i have attached myself to pretty intensely. i feel like everyone else in my family (in denver anyway) has done their part ever since morgan died...
joan and steven started the foundation and set up artma and concours. they are truly amazing people, it really amazes me.
grandma and grandpa donated more money than anyone else to sponsor every event since the first artma, not to mention all the smaller yet just as important things they did for the events, from watching andrew and grace, to doing the things that they do best: supporting everyone.
mom and dad donated money, bought a lot at each event, mom was on one of the head committees, dad built and set up numerous things, especially for artma, and they always watch andrew and grace whenever joan and steven need it.
jay and brian have done their fair share, despite starting lives of their own.
jay was on the committee with mom, was down there every week helping out, and spent days on end working to get everything set up and taken down.
brian's busy with his debate stuff all the time, but even he helps out.
what did i do? relatively nothing compared to everyone else.
i feel like this is something i can do though, something i have to do. i've decided that if i don't make my goal by spring break, i'll pay the difference. if i could, i would do more. but what can i do? i don't even know.
if there was one thing i could do to change the way things happened, i would take it all away from morgan, the pain and everything. that's the only way things would be right.
i know i'm going to be disappointed with this whole thing. i don't think anyone else is taking this seriously, or maybe not seriously enough. i could be wrong. i hope i am.
i hope we can make a difference.
i'll never forget.
my relay for life page

what the hell is the point?

for some reason, i thought today was going to be a good day...wow, was i wrong. everything is pissing me off. the one thing i was looking forward to today was crappy.
i've just come to a realization...ah, yes. i know exactly what it is now.
yep, now i hate myself. i have become one of those girls that lets it get the better of them. am i really bitching about the things i'm bitching about? well, i think its a pretty valid excuse...in regards to one thing anyway.
i'm going to have to try to get through this today. i am still pissed off though.
these are the times i hate being a girl.

more than i could have ever imagined.

...the best valentine's day i've ever had, yet we didn't say 'happy valentine's day' once. i like it that way. mmhmm.
i don't think anything could ruin my day, except evil alarm clocks that make me leave for class.
i miss you so much. i know you'll inevitably be far away from me tonight. i can't wait until tomorrow.

almost just another day.

i didn't think it was possible for today to have been the way it was. i just didn't expect it.
my politics exam seemed fairly straightforward, and i think i will do alright on it. i got my politics paper back. that was good. i did well on it, so i have something to counteract the crappy grades in other things. chem was fine until we got our tests back, then it was horrible. i knew i hadn't done well, but i did feel pretty well prepared for it, or so i thought. blegh. world lit was annoying because he decided that we were basically unable to write our papers without him spending the whole class pretty much telling us what he wants us to out in the final draft of our papers. that kind of shit pisses me off. that's not teaching, that's like giving step by step instructions on how he wants it done. no, that's exactly what it is. and then he penalizes students for "asserting something other than what he said in class." what the hell is the point if i can only regurgitate your shit back to you? thanks for letting me think, and encouraging me to think. some teachers piss me off. the worst part about it is that i wish i could get back into his latin class because dr. thomas just isn't working for me. i'm toying with the idea of withdrawing and taking it with bucher (or another teacher) next spring. the problems with that are 1. i would only have 14 credit hours this semester...that doesn't seem right to me, but more like something someone else would do; 2. it might screw up my four year plan a little bit, depending on what i decided to stick with. i'm still planning on everything i've got down so far, and if i live here both next summer and the summer after junior year, it may not be a huge problem; and 3. would i forget everything i've "learned" up to this point if i did that and then have to start over a year from now? the positives would be 1. i could get out of dr. thomas' class, which i feel like i will inevitably fail, and could possibly get a better teacher next year; and 2. i could focus on my other classes, especially chemistry, which as shown today, is absolutely necessary. i don't know. i feel like withdrawing now might be pointless...but if i end up failing anyway, staying in the class is even more pointless. argh. i have no idea! i'll talk it over with dr. weber when i meet with her on thursday. until then, i can't really worry about it and will have to keep trying, especially on the quiz on wednesday.
in retrospect, two good things have happened today. brian and my politics paper. i'm looking forward to tonight, but i must remember that my expectations have a tendency to get the better of me.
now, i'm off to do chem lab with kate, then practice...

i don't want to know anymore

i spend all this time trying to figure out a way in which i can get to know people more than just superficially, but then i find out things that scare me and make me want to retreat back into my own world with my own depressing thoughts. i find that its all too overwhelming. the thought of my problems that i can't even deal with plus those of other people, people who i wish more than anything that i could help in some way. hearing all these things makes me realize how much i've failed at that. i used to be happy thinking that i provided some sort of shield from the world, or something. how deluded i really was, i didn't know until now.
i wish i could just leave all this. i want to be like holden caulfied. to leave and do whatever i was going to do even though i have no idea what that would be. i feel like if i left, nothing would be affected at all. everything would go on exactly as it is now. oh, the inconsequentiality of my entire being.
these thoughts are all too familiar. i thought i had gotten away from them. back to sophomore year again. i don't want this.
it should be morgan, or carrie, or anyone...but me.
please, not again.
i need something, anything. i don't know anymore. i don't want to know.

let it ride

friday, finally. the week seems like it went by fast. i can't even remember what happened on monday, tuesday, or even yesterday, but i know very little of it was good.
at this point, i'm just waiting for it all to get started. once it starts, it won't stop and then we'll be at the end of this day in no time.
lunch. chem. world lit. latin. practice. shower.
that is all i know for certain.
the rest will be decided from there.

me and my ridiculous expectations...or hopes...or something.

as i expected, today was relatively unexciting. weights class was predictable, except for my shoulder hurting more than usual. history was pretty much the same...i fell asleep for a little bit; i felt bad about that. i regret it because i missed part of the lecture and we have a test coming up. oh well. i can't do much about it now. work was bearable. not having to do inventory this week was a good thing. we sacrificed 23 pups (mice, not dogs) today. that was harder to deal with than the last time we had to sacrifice mice. i don't like how we (as a collective whole) use the term "sacrifice." why don't we call it what it really is? murder, perhaps? i've never been ok with it...talking to brian about it made me feel worse. should i really be taking part in something like that? even if it isn't really a choice i can make, but is rather something i was assigned to do...should i remove myself from the situation. if i am truly against it, how can i allow myself to watch and be a part of it? its hard to think about it...hard to accept how hypocritical my actions are with my beliefs. especially beliefs i hold strongly to, or used to, before i became a mouse murderer.
this is one of the times where i am going to have to say that i cannot think about it tonight. its quite enough to have had it nagging at me from the far regions of my head. guilt. arrgh.
the renart lecture i went to with brian (and kevin, heidi, and john by default) was mediocre. i liked what he had to say and found it mildly interesting, but he was monotonous and just reading from his papers. i need people who are able to speak directly to me (the audience), instead of needing the comfort of their words on paper. probably stems from my needing eye contact...eh, i don't know.
i think that is enough. i'm not sure i can handle revealing my thoughts to myself anymore tonight. too many unwanted things have come to light already.
i'll stick to my empty room, aching heart, and unfulfilled desires.

self-fulfilling prophecies

as i predicted/expected, i did horribly on my latin exam. although, apparently the other eight people in the class didn't do well either, so now we're doing the last five chapters again. i think that just makes it worse, but is probably a good idea considering how poorly i performed. oh well.
my chemistry exam today wasn't too excruciating. it seemed easier than i had expected it to be, but i shall refrain from commenting too much because i always seem to screw myself in those respects. i will say that i had more confidence going into it than i have on the rest of my chem exams this year. i knew the formulas and had an idea of what all the questions were asking. so now it comes down to seeing if brian is right in his support of optimistic attitudes even if it may eventually lead to downfall.
after all the studying yesterday (something like eight or nine good hours), i feel like relaxing tonight. i don't much feel like going to practice, at least not to practice. i'll go to cox people and to be there at least, and may end up running or something, but i'm just not really feeling it today.
i'm drained. i need some time to recover. but its only wednesday...ridiculous. usually, it takes me until thursday to be as exhausted as i feel now.
tomorrow should be alright though. weights, history (review for the exam), work, practice, and homework. it could definitely be worse.
i look forward to not having to do too much tonight.
yes, it will be ok.
...thinking of modest mouse here...

lucky number twelve...redux

when you played this song last night, i was just swept up in it. it all makes sense to me now.
i'm tired. you tickled my foot. i wish my watch would stop...and yours too. i wish.

find me here
and speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where i find peace again

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life
to my soul
you are my purpose
you're my everything

and how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you steal my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now

and how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

and how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

cause you're all i want
you're all i need
you're everything, everything
you're all i want
you're all i need
you're everything, everything
you're all i want
you're all i need
you're everything, everything
you're all i want
you're all i need
everything, everything

when how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

when how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

and how can i stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

would you tell me how could it be
any better than this

this is what comes of boredom and playing with hello. i like the picture though.

me and kate at coldstone.

i'm sorry

i don't really know what these last few days have been all about. tuesday was rather uneventful. wednesday, a few scares, but nothing big. today...yea, today kinda sucked. lifting today almost killed me. my shoulder feels like its on fire everytime i move my arm the slightest bit. sleeping is hard, so is putting on shirts and jackets. i'll survive. history was boring and seemed to take forever this morning, but could have been worse, i'm sure. work was horrible. this inventory is going to be the end of me. i've been working on it for over four weeks now, and i'm still not done. i told lily that i was getting close, but when i think about it, there's still a lot i have to do. i have yet to finish getting all the msds sheets, and then i'll have to go back through all the labs checking to make sure all the chemicals are on my list. at least another week, probably more...but at least they're giving me a week away from it. i wonder what i'll get to do next week...i bet it will be the same old crap i did before. dishes. autoclaving. making gels. more dishes. blegh.
two good things happened today though. kate and i finished our chem problem set faster than we ever have before, we didn't have to ask anyone how to do it, and i think we both understood what was going on, to some extent. the other is that (as long as kate doesn't get the ambassador position) we'll be roommates next year. that is really exciting for me. so in an evil way, i hope she doesn't get the position...sorry, kate. this whole roommate thing has just been another thing in my life making me worrisome and irritable. hopefully, it will all work out in the end.
practice was depressing. i felt really far away from everything. i still don't think i can erg because of my shoulder (also partially due to my laziness, i think), so then i feel incredibly useless and as if everyone is looking down at me or something. crew may be becoming something i only like instead of love, like i did before. that scares me and makes me even more depressed than i was at and after practice.
my self-reflections never seem to turn out well for me...ever.
i am afraid of a lot of things right now. one in particular sticks out in my mind, but there's no one i can talk to about it, so i will do what i always do...brood on it until i figure it out or until it eats me up. whichever comes first.
i was so depressed i had a cookie at dinner today. it was disappointing so that just made me feel even worse...i can't even find joy in sugar anymore, and then i was just ashamed that i had caved. i don't like feeling guilt. one of the worst possible human emotions and i seem to be feeling a lot of it recently.
everyone has been talking about how the sunshine today and yesterday (and tomorrow apparently) have made their moods better and all that. yea, that sure didn't happen for me. i want it to rain for days on end. that would match my mood and make me feel a little less alone in this enormous, uncaring world. i don't like any of this. i wish i knew what was wrong.
and now i get to go attempt to proofread a paper i don't care about. i don't care about much anymore.
i'm sorry.