i don't want to know anymore

i spend all this time trying to figure out a way in which i can get to know people more than just superficially, but then i find out things that scare me and make me want to retreat back into my own world with my own depressing thoughts. i find that its all too overwhelming. the thought of my problems that i can't even deal with plus those of other people, people who i wish more than anything that i could help in some way. hearing all these things makes me realize how much i've failed at that. i used to be happy thinking that i provided some sort of shield from the world, or something. how deluded i really was, i didn't know until now.
i wish i could just leave all this. i want to be like holden caulfied. to leave and do whatever i was going to do even though i have no idea what that would be. i feel like if i left, nothing would be affected at all. everything would go on exactly as it is now. oh, the inconsequentiality of my entire being.
these thoughts are all too familiar. i thought i had gotten away from them. back to sophomore year again. i don't want this.
it should be morgan, or carrie, or anyone...but me.
please, not again.
i need something, anything. i don't know anymore. i don't want to know.