i'm sorry

i don't really know what these last few days have been all about. tuesday was rather uneventful. wednesday, a few scares, but nothing big. today...yea, today kinda sucked. lifting today almost killed me. my shoulder feels like its on fire everytime i move my arm the slightest bit. sleeping is hard, so is putting on shirts and jackets. i'll survive. history was boring and seemed to take forever this morning, but could have been worse, i'm sure. work was horrible. this inventory is going to be the end of me. i've been working on it for over four weeks now, and i'm still not done. i told lily that i was getting close, but when i think about it, there's still a lot i have to do. i have yet to finish getting all the msds sheets, and then i'll have to go back through all the labs checking to make sure all the chemicals are on my list. at least another week, probably more...but at least they're giving me a week away from it. i wonder what i'll get to do next week...i bet it will be the same old crap i did before. dishes. autoclaving. making gels. more dishes. blegh.
two good things happened today though. kate and i finished our chem problem set faster than we ever have before, we didn't have to ask anyone how to do it, and i think we both understood what was going on, to some extent. the other is that (as long as kate doesn't get the ambassador position) we'll be roommates next year. that is really exciting for me. so in an evil way, i hope she doesn't get the position...sorry, kate. this whole roommate thing has just been another thing in my life making me worrisome and irritable. hopefully, it will all work out in the end.
practice was depressing. i felt really far away from everything. i still don't think i can erg because of my shoulder (also partially due to my laziness, i think), so then i feel incredibly useless and as if everyone is looking down at me or something. crew may be becoming something i only like instead of love, like i did before. that scares me and makes me even more depressed than i was at and after practice.
my self-reflections never seem to turn out well for me...ever.
i am afraid of a lot of things right now. one in particular sticks out in my mind, but there's no one i can talk to about it, so i will do what i always do...brood on it until i figure it out or until it eats me up. whichever comes first.
i was so depressed i had a cookie at dinner today. it was disappointing so that just made me feel even worse...i can't even find joy in sugar anymore, and then i was just ashamed that i had caved. i don't like feeling guilt. one of the worst possible human emotions and i seem to be feeling a lot of it recently.
everyone has been talking about how the sunshine today and yesterday (and tomorrow apparently) have made their moods better and all that. yea, that sure didn't happen for me. i want it to rain for days on end. that would match my mood and make me feel a little less alone in this enormous, uncaring world. i don't like any of this. i wish i knew what was wrong.
and now i get to go attempt to proofread a paper i don't care about. i don't care about much anymore.
i'm sorry.