me and my ridiculous expectations...or hopes...or something.

as i expected, today was relatively unexciting. weights class was predictable, except for my shoulder hurting more than usual. history was pretty much the same...i fell asleep for a little bit; i felt bad about that. i regret it because i missed part of the lecture and we have a test coming up. oh well. i can't do much about it now. work was bearable. not having to do inventory this week was a good thing. we sacrificed 23 pups (mice, not dogs) today. that was harder to deal with than the last time we had to sacrifice mice. i don't like how we (as a collective whole) use the term "sacrifice." why don't we call it what it really is? murder, perhaps? i've never been ok with it...talking to brian about it made me feel worse. should i really be taking part in something like that? even if it isn't really a choice i can make, but is rather something i was assigned to do...should i remove myself from the situation. if i am truly against it, how can i allow myself to watch and be a part of it? its hard to think about it...hard to accept how hypocritical my actions are with my beliefs. especially beliefs i hold strongly to, or used to, before i became a mouse murderer.
this is one of the times where i am going to have to say that i cannot think about it tonight. its quite enough to have had it nagging at me from the far regions of my head. guilt. arrgh.
the renart lecture i went to with brian (and kevin, heidi, and john by default) was mediocre. i liked what he had to say and found it mildly interesting, but he was monotonous and just reading from his papers. i need people who are able to speak directly to me (the audience), instead of needing the comfort of their words on paper. probably stems from my needing eye contact...eh, i don't know.
i think that is enough. i'm not sure i can handle revealing my thoughts to myself anymore tonight. too many unwanted things have come to light already.
i'll stick to my empty room, aching heart, and unfulfilled desires.