a waste of a day.

"you don't do a very good job of hiding your anger"
a true statement, especially when i'm not trying to hide it.
i want this day to be over. i want there to be a way for me to close my eyes and then wake up and have it be tomorrow. i don't want to deal with anything right now. i was looking forward to relay, but now i'm not even looking forward to that. i certainly did not get enough sleep last night (as evidenced by my mood today) to survive being up all night tonight. despite that, i will be damned if we don't get a boat - any boat, i don't care if it's a four or an eight - tomorrow.
i am seriously concerned about the level of commitment on this team. i think i am the only one who is upset about not being able to get on the water today. the excuse of needing a break doesn't hold up either. we've been on the water one day (two, sort of, for others) and we have our home regatta two weeks from sunday. what if the weather is like it is now on that sunday? are we just going to say "fuck it, it's too cold/windy for us to row" and not even race? i seriously wouldn't doubt it with what i've seen from some of the people on the team so far because apparently we can't even row when there's a little wind and temperatures that aren't perfect for everyone. i wish everyone would have a serious gut-check and decide their motivations for being on the team. it definitely doesn't help that we see our captain walking with a group of her friends instead of making her way to the lake like the rest of us. that's not a captain by any means.
i didn't even get to see the water today. i had to turn around before i was even around the corner. at least the men's varsity four went out. there are some people who can deal with wind and cold weather.
i'm glad this week is over. nothing seems to have gone right. it seems like i've been back for weeks, rather than six days. the only day that i've really enjoyed since i've been back is sunday.
please let this go quickly...

the artifact and living

i was reminded me of the way i was feeling a few days ago and started to freak out a little again, but this song really just calmed me down. the simplicity of it is nice.
relay is tomorrow night. i'm anxious because our team is slacking, for sure. but i realized that none of the external things like our theme, costumes, and campsite decorations matter. what really matters is the cause we are working for, and i hope people take it seriously but have fun at the same time. it should be a good time.
practice today went well. aside from being a little cold and some time spent trying to get rhythm back into the boat, it was amazing being back on the water in an eight again. it was a feeling i haven't felt since october and i am grateful to have it back again.
tomorrow should be alright. i don't have anything to do tonight, so i'll be able to watch the game and spend some time hanging out. three classes tomorrow, practice, then relay stuff. not sure about saturday or sunday, but the only thing going on next week is my politics exam on wednesday.
hopefully we can have some productive and meaningful conversations and we can figure things out...

out of gas.

i think i just figured once i got back here, everything would be perfect. how naive of an assumption that was. it is most certainly not perfect. in fact, quite a long way from it. i remember over christmas break i was horribly worried that i would come back and things were going to be different. they weren't - we just picked things up where we left off and everything was better than i could have ever imagined. i've never been happier.
this time, i didn't have that fear. i assumed we would pick things up and continue in the way things were going before and never look back. that sort of happened, but not exactly. i'm back to having all these thoughts and fears i had before, but had gotten over. i don't get it. i have this immense fear that something bad is going to happen and i'm going to end up alone. and it would almost assuredly be all my fault.
i've been struggling with this the last two days and i think my words and actions have shown it, but no one seems to have noticed. i feel like i have no one to turn to. brian has his own problems, and has, i think, learned that getting wrapped up in mine only leads to more problems for him. other than that, where am i supposed to go?
i keep listening to one playlist..."memories." all the songs that make me think of the good times i once had. the times i fear i'll never get back again.
because one day, everything is going to become clear to him. he's going to realize that i don't deserve him and that he can find someone who treats him far better than i do.
i'm sorry.

chaos...dancing star

so, i'm back in omaha. back where things make at least a little sense. back where i find myself happier than ever.
after a few minor (they seemed major at the time) setbacks with the train, family, and other things, i found myself where i belonged at about ten minutes after 9 am. i was able to stay there until early this afternoon, and then i was back in my room trying to focus on unpacking my stuff. it was hard with kate and steph just down the hall and the new computer (EDIT: i have been informed, indirectly, that i cannot/should not call it "the G4") sitting within my view. it's too bad we don't get wireless here and for some reason, i can't get the internet in my room to work for it...i don't know, i'm not so computer savvy.
i like the word savvy...fun stuff.
perhaps i'll take a stab at some homework since the best i'm coming up with here is that i like a word.
all in all, i am glad to be back. that's all that matters.

four more hours.

yep, it's 3 and i'll be at the train station at 7. on the train and out of denver by 8 (hopefully...i'll be pissed if it's late).
i'm ready to get back to omaha. it's been a long week here, and stephanie and i have been counting down since the days we each got home. i didn't get much done this week. catching up on sleep, watching quite a few movies, securing my job when i come back in may, and getting a new haircut, computer, and a sweet new raccoon for everyone to make fun of me for tomorrow. the relaxation was nice, but i am ready for the chaos of this spring.
all that's left for today is:
finish packing, errands, shower, mass, dinner downtown, 8-9 hour train ride back to where i belong (playing on my laptop should make the ride go quicker, and i won't forget to bring the nyquil).
i'll make sure to leave the snow in denver tonight.
until may...

apathy

sometimes, it just doesn't work...
today, i'm talking specifically about situations going on at mullen. first (the lesser of the two), the womens' soccer program at mullen has steadily been declining since the end of my freshman year. it was bearable sophomore year, a little less so junior year, and so bad last year that i quit before the season really got into full swing. i am so glad i'm not there now though. there has never been a sport at mullen that required the students to have to pay in order to play (not including uniforms, fundraising, etc) ...until now. they're having the girls pay $100 per player in order to play. that is outrageous. i can't even believe it. and, to top it all off, they're going to get their asses kicked in 5A this year after having chased away 5 returning starters. the news is out to prospective students too...if they want soccer, they're not going to go to mullen anymore. ridiculous.
the next, and much more important issue is that of the mullen debate team, which is also dying. with no CX teams qualled to state and only a few in events and LD, the reign of mullen as a dominant speech and debate team. with sferra almost entirely out of the program already, and thornton on his way out because of the way the kids acted this year, there's not going to be a team left. despite being horrible drunk children in 2001, we didn't chase any coaches away...but, somehow these kids have managed it. they had to leave canon city in the middle of the tournament because a bunch of stupid freshmen were saying horribly offensive and degrading things and tried to start a fight with a d. east kid. it pisses me off. i know i'm partly to blame though. and mark, chris, and jamison are as well. we should have gone back to get kids to join the team and helped them with cases and worked harder to get them to camp, WFI at least, the way brian, john, and vora did for us. it's horrible. i don't want to be reponsible for the end of the program, but i know i am.
this is when i wish apathy worked. why couldn't i just say that i don't have to worry about it since i'm gone and what could i really have done considering i go to school in omaha? i can't do that though. blegh. i hate that feeling...guilt, regret, and sadness all rolled into one.
i'll keep that feeling, since there doesn't seem to be anything i can do in the two days that i am here.

so, i just have tonight, tomorrow, and saturday during the day before i leave. i didn't get to go snowboarding with jill and brian today like i had hoped due to numerous circumstances. that was slightly disappointing, but i should've just gone up by myself this morning like my logic told me too, so i have no one to blame, really. even so, i got a lot of things accomplished today that i wouldn't have been able to do at all this week if i had gone up the hill. i was able to finish (hopefully) sorting through my tubs of debate evidence, deciding what to keep for me, what to keep to take over to what's left of the mullen CX'ers, and what to take over to the recycling dealie tonight. i also had lunch with brian, jill, john, and glue. i almost got eaten by linus when i was at their house...that was the closest he's ever come. sweet. then, i drove over to mullen where i heard of all the bad things, but also got to talk to the people i miss the most - terri, ms. langfur (especially), mr. thornton, and mr. hilbert. i didn't get a chance to talk to habes, schwall, mr. carrejo, or mr. craig, but i spent far more time there than i had planned to anyway. oh well, i'm sure i'll be going back to mullen for the rest of my life, as much as i claimed i disliked it (i disliked the students mostly, not the teachers). i saw katie in the parking lot waiting to pick up tarah when i was leaving. i was really glad i saw her, even if it was only for a few minutes. i wish i could help her. i should be a better friend and go over there tonight...i'll try to do that. then, i went over to pinehurst, saw bob and clarke, and left my phone number for ben this time, instead of matt, who apparently sucks at calling people he's supposed to be hiring, or not. i'll go over there tomorrow after i pick up my computer (YAY!) from john since ben is supposed to be working all day. i really got to try to talk him into making me a supervisor. bailey would probably work hard to prevent that, but since ashton's leaving for good (or so he says) and ashton was the only reason he was weary about re-hiring me (at least the only one he gave me over christmas break when i went in to talk to him), i don't see why he wouldn't. aside from ashton, the only problem they ever had with me was that one day when kellen was fucking around and we both got written up for it...freaking ridiculous. i guess i can't bitch until i know for sure what's going to happen. luckily ben likes me...oh, and maybe jack will be there. i'd like to see him again. he's probably my favorite person at pinehurst, aside from his horribly degrading and sexist comments (which i'm sure are true, but i still think he's a decent guy). i'm definitely ok with working at pinehurst again this summer, especially since luke and ashton will be gone, given that i can get another job (preferably, working admin at swedish at night, if jay's friend can hook me up). this summer can be alright if i have enough work to keep me occupied, making enough money to last me through next year, and if, and only if, i get to see brian more
than once or twice.
random thought for the day. my vices this week: sugar (because it's so accessible, specifically brownies francie made for us and mountain dew right out in the garage) and not working out at all. horrible, absolutely horrible.
that was a long one. i can't wait until i'm back in omaha. just over 48 hours left...

getting closer.

four days to go. i think (no, i hope) they will go by relatively quickly.
tomorrow i'm babysitting one of our really close family friends at noon. its right in the middle of the day which prevents me from going up to a-basin in the morning, but oh well. at least it gives me something to do. i'll start reading tomorrow, i think. thursday i'll go up to a-basin by myself, or i'll go to copper with brian and jill (if they decide to go). friday, dad and i are going to a-basin. that should be fun. saturday, i don't really want to snowboard, but i guess it wouldn't be that bad. and then saturday night, i get to go home...well, to omaha. home, in a sense. please let these days go quickly.
i'm planning on buying john's apple from him for $650. an amazing deal since he got it less than a year ago for $2200. it probably isn't a very wise decision, but it seems like too good of a deal to pass up and i foresee it being much like my ipod...not necessary, but something i will use a lot. i need to call my grandpa and see if he'll help me out with it, but that seems like a scary conversation to have. i'll do it later this afternoon, perhaps. i'm not sure if i'll get to take it back to school with me on saturday since john's new computer may or may not get to him by then and he may have things he needs to do with both of them. i would like to take it back, but if that doesn't work, he can ship it to me.
in a few minutes, i'm leaving to go to my mom's office to pick up the form for locks of love and to get a check for the incredibly over-priced salon we go to. ten inches...that's a lot. and i'm a little more uneasy because vicki, the woman who always does my hair is booked until next tuesday, so i have an appointment with someone i don't know. i'm scared. i think it has the possibility of looking decent or absolutely horrible. but when i think about it, it doesn't matter because its a really good cause and it will grow back eventually.
i think i may be starting to get sick. it is something i'm ok with since i would rather be sick here than in omaha, but i'm sneezing all the time and that's kind of a pain.
not much on the agenda for today aside from the haircut. my mom and i are going to do my taxes when she gets back from teaching class tonight. exciting.
i can't wait to get back to omaha...back to my favorite people in the world.
and now i'm off to lose some hair.

ready already.

i'm ready to be back in omaha already...and brian hasn't even left yet. hopefully these next six days go by relatively quickly.
it's weird being home again...i'm not exactly sure what i'm supposed to do.
aim's not working...not sure if i'll be able to deal with that for much longer. (oh, how connected i am to the internet. maybe i wouldn't be able to live without technology. interesting. and bad.)
it's 10am. i'm going to throw some laundry in, take a shower (i feel gross...stupid train), wrap andrew and grace's presents, and head over to fat city for the party.
i hope it all goes by quickly.

pepsi has suceeded.

they are an evil, evil corporation. they have gotten me hooked on trying to beat them at their own game...but it is freaking impossible! i spend over a dollar on a bottle only to not win my free song from itunes. i don't know how many i've bought, but it has been a lot and i haven't won a single song! argh. EVIL! it will catch up to them at some point. probably not, but i'll continue making my empty threats.
damn the man (aka PEPSO CO)
22 minutes until friday.
looking forward to tomorrow, saturday, and next sunday...but not much in between. snowboarding will be alright, but there are more important things.
my head hurts...i'm going to bed.

bottles and cans only.

so i'm done with midterms. i'm relieved in one sense, and entirely restless and anxious in many, many others.
3 more classes, 3 and a half hours of work, and two practices to go.
el fin.

almost there

three down, one to go. after i'm done with my weights midterm tomorrow, i won't even care anymore. actually, i'm pretty much at that point now. friday will suck because we'll get our chem tests back already...but it'll be friday and i'll be so excited by then, that it won't bother me too much. i'm quite certain i failed. oh well. i'll pick it up after spring break, i've decided...the only problem with that is how much is going on in april.
the month of april...
week 1: creighton regatta, history exam, chem exam
week 2: st. louis regatta, world lit paper (first draft)
week 3: world lit paper (final draft), history paper, politics paper
week 4: madison regatta, chem exam
and then the week after that is finals. wow, april is going to go by incredibly fast. this semester is going to be over before i know it and then i'm going to be back in denver...blegh.
oh well, i'll just try to focus on what's going on now. once we get back from spring break, i'll get my school stuff together.
if only i could get my mental and emotional states figured out...
i've been on a roller coaster for far too long. i have to find a way to calm that all down. there's an answer, i'm sure...i just have no idea what it is.
and i know what the answer isn't.
...
4 more classes. weights, history, chem, and world lit. yes. i'll make it.

hocked up on goofballs

...as brian would say.
as of dinner tonight, today officially became my off-day for the week. i had a cookie at dinner, and in the midst of my (futile) studying for chem, i had two mountain dews, half a box of jolly joes (mmm), and quite a few pieces of candy. so good, except now i'm going crazy. its 1:30ish, i'm awake, and not studying for the huge exam i am prepared to fail tomorrow. at least i'm prepared to fail...beats being unprepared. its kinda a glass half full way to look at it. instead of being unprepared to do well, i'm prepared to fail. mmhmm. interesting. all my other classmates (nicole included, and i'm sure kate way over in deglman) are in the middle of their all-nighters. eh, forget that. my mind is saturated...i'll do poorly whether i go to sleep after this or if i stayed up all night attempting to study. at least this way, i'll get a decent amount of sleep. i'll get up tomorrow at 7:03, take a shower, then look over some stuff until breakfast at 8:50 (what's the bet brian's late....just kidding.)
i am really looking forward to pretty much everything as soon as i get out of chem/world lit tomorrow. practice should be alright...2x20 min. could be worse. studying for weights and reading some history...won't be horrible. thursday night are the bball championships. i hope we can win this time after having tied this team the first game of the season...blegh...ties. friday will be sweet, no politics class in the morning and fun day at practice. excellent. and then saturday...well, yea, i can't wait.
my deep thoughts for the night, or maybe just things that confuse/upset me...
how a person can say and act portraying a whole set of ideas and things and then you find out that there's so much more under the surface that they're not telling you. it's hard for me to deal with. as psychic as i think i am, i can't figure out what people are thinking (is that why i trust very few people?). i almost feel betrayed, as if people don't tell me what they're actually feeling because they don't trust me or they don't think i'll understand or something like that.
even worse is that i thought i had it figured out last night. i thought we had gotten at least something accomplished. well, apparently not. i wonder what interesting things were learned about me last night. maybe i don't want to know. interesting sounds negative and very ominous. all these things you're saying make no sense to me, yet i know i can't brood on it because i'll never get a clear cut answer about any of them.
and apparently we're just not going to talk about it, or if we do, it won't be real.
moral and ethical...what does that mean?
now i'm a little grouchy. i'm going to bed where i can dream of a place where i wouldn't have to deal with all this.

i'm sorry.