out of gas.

i think i just figured once i got back here, everything would be perfect. how naive of an assumption that was. it is most certainly not perfect. in fact, quite a long way from it. i remember over christmas break i was horribly worried that i would come back and things were going to be different. they weren't - we just picked things up where we left off and everything was better than i could have ever imagined. i've never been happier.
this time, i didn't have that fear. i assumed we would pick things up and continue in the way things were going before and never look back. that sort of happened, but not exactly. i'm back to having all these thoughts and fears i had before, but had gotten over. i don't get it. i have this immense fear that something bad is going to happen and i'm going to end up alone. and it would almost assuredly be all my fault.
i've been struggling with this the last two days and i think my words and actions have shown it, but no one seems to have noticed. i feel like i have no one to turn to. brian has his own problems, and has, i think, learned that getting wrapped up in mine only leads to more problems for him. other than that, where am i supposed to go?
i keep listening to one playlist..."memories." all the songs that make me think of the good times i once had. the times i fear i'll never get back again.
because one day, everything is going to become clear to him. he's going to realize that i don't deserve him and that he can find someone who treats him far better than i do.
i'm sorry.