a waste of a day.

"you don't do a very good job of hiding your anger"
a true statement, especially when i'm not trying to hide it.
i want this day to be over. i want there to be a way for me to close my eyes and then wake up and have it be tomorrow. i don't want to deal with anything right now. i was looking forward to relay, but now i'm not even looking forward to that. i certainly did not get enough sleep last night (as evidenced by my mood today) to survive being up all night tonight. despite that, i will be damned if we don't get a boat - any boat, i don't care if it's a four or an eight - tomorrow.
i am seriously concerned about the level of commitment on this team. i think i am the only one who is upset about not being able to get on the water today. the excuse of needing a break doesn't hold up either. we've been on the water one day (two, sort of, for others) and we have our home regatta two weeks from sunday. what if the weather is like it is now on that sunday? are we just going to say "fuck it, it's too cold/windy for us to row" and not even race? i seriously wouldn't doubt it with what i've seen from some of the people on the team so far because apparently we can't even row when there's a little wind and temperatures that aren't perfect for everyone. i wish everyone would have a serious gut-check and decide their motivations for being on the team. it definitely doesn't help that we see our captain walking with a group of her friends instead of making her way to the lake like the rest of us. that's not a captain by any means.
i didn't even get to see the water today. i had to turn around before i was even around the corner. at least the men's varsity four went out. there are some people who can deal with wind and cold weather.
i'm glad this week is over. nothing seems to have gone right. it seems like i've been back for weeks, rather than six days. the only day that i've really enjoyed since i've been back is sunday.
please let this go quickly...