A tribute to Mitch Hedberg...
Friday, April 01, 2005
Yes, a tribute to one of the funniest men I've ever heard. Billy Joel was right when he said only the good die young.
You know there’s a fishing show on TV; they catch the fish, but they let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
“Where were you?”
“I got caught!” “Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!”
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I want to climb a mountain. Not so I can get to the top, cuz I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around.
“Hey, you going to the top?”
“Soon…”
Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a black light popped up over his head?
I like the FedEx driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it! And he’s always on time.
I hate dreaming because, you know, when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work, you know. There I am laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room, it’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them to, you know. I’m like, “Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
Why do koala bears…they’re so fucking cute, why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over and I will apprehend one and hold him and pat him on the back of his head.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. Yeah, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners.
“What candy bar are you getting?”
“That one and every one on the bottom row!”
I got an ant farm; them fellas didn’t grow shit! I said, “come on, what about some celery? You fuckers don’t farm, plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen!”
And my favorites in no particular order (because I can't pick one over the others)...
I got two straws here in case one breaks down. You know crazy straws they go all over the place, these fucking straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They said, “we're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes awhile to get there, he's crazy.”
I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box; I want to have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop.
“Hey, how the fuck did he do that?”
“Hey, in Hollywood, it’s all who you know, and I know Crackle.”
I want to open a McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. I’d say, “cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti! And blankets!”
I was going to get a candy bar. The button I was supposed to push was HH, so I went to the side, I found the H button, and I pushed it twice. Fucking potato chips came out man because they had a HH button for Christ’s sakes. You need to let me know. I’m not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA, BB, CC's. God god damn it damn it.