it's a winding road

...i've been walking for a long time and i still don't know where it goes
and it's a long way home, i've been searching for a long time
still have hope i'm gonna find my way home

-----

- lots of sleep
- a visit with a good friend
- planning with old friends
- preparations
- some 'relaxing'

-----

looking forward to the next few days. [knock on wood]

-----

being home alone reminds me of how lonely i really am, inside as well as on the surface.
not being at work reminds me of that as well.
how sad.

-----

i'll ignore it for now.
thoughts keep creeping up inside my mind.
i'll never get rid of them completely.
why did he have to say it?
why did they have to go along with it?
so many things i can never have.
life is full of regret and loss. not much else.

-----

"just a poor man's wendy"

-----

courage.
sacrifice.
determination.
commitment.
toughness.
heart.
talent.
guts.

back down to where i started

i hope this old train breaks down
then i could take a walk around
see what there is to see
time is just a melody
with all the people in the street
walking as fast as their feet can take them
i just roll through town
and though my window's got a view
well, the frame i'm looking through
seems to have no concern for now so now i

i need this here old train to break down
oh, please just let me break down

well, this engine screams out loud
centipede gonna crawl westbound
so i don't even make a sound
because its gonna sting me when i leave this town
and all the people in the streets
that i'll never get to meet
if these tracks don't bend somehow
and i got no time that i got to get
to where i don't need to be so i

i need this here old train to break down
oh, please just let me break down
i need this here old train to break down
oh, please just let me break down

i want to break on down
but i can't stop now
let me break on down

but, you can't stop nothing if you got no control
of the thought in your mind that you kept and you know
that you don't know nothing but you don't need to know
the wisdom's in the trees, not the glass windows
you can't stop wishing if you don't let go
of the things that you find and you lose and you know
you keep on rolling, put the moment on hold
because the frame's too bright, so put the blinds on low

i need this here old train to break down
oh, please just let me break down
i need this here old train to break down
oh, please just let me break down

i got to break on down
but i can't stop now

the long day is over [almost]

a long day, yes. i am not nearly as tired as i should be after working for thirteen and a half hours at the golf course. despite that, it has been a good day considering how bad it could have been.

good things are possible. that is one thing i learned today. i have people on my side and that makes me happy. it reminds me that everything i have done has not been for nothing. that is a good feeling as well. tomorrow is my chance to prove myself more. i have done everything i can do so far to prepare for it, but the rest is up to us tomorrow morning. i have faith in tyler and bryan, but matt is the one who worries me. we shall see.

this song i heard on the way home reminded me of some things...

wake up kids
we've got the dreamer's disease
age 14, we've got you down on your knees
so polite, you're busy still saying please
fri-enemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
every night we smash their mercedes benz
first we run and then we laugh til we cry

but when the night is falling
and you cannot find the light, light
if you feel your dreams are dying
hold tight

you've got the music in you
don't let go
you've got the music in you
one dance left
this world is gonna pull through
don't give up
you've got a reason to live
can't forget, we only get what we give
give it to me now!

four am, we ran a miracle mile
we're flat broke, but hey, we do it in style
the bad rich
god's flying in for your trial

you've got the music in you
don't let go
you've got the music in you
one dance left
this world is gonna pull through
don't give up
you've got a reason to live
can't forget, we only get what we give
give it to me now!

this whole damn world can fall apart
you'll be ok, follow your heart
you're in harm's way
i'm right behind
now, say you're mine

you've got the music in you
don't let go
you've got the music in you
one dance left
this world is gonna pull through
don't give up
you've got a reason to live
can't forget, we only get what we give
give it to me now!

fly high
what's real can't die
you only get what you give
just don't be afraid to live
health insurance, rip off lying
FDA big bankers buying
fake computer crashes dining
cloning while they're multiplying
fashion shoots with beck and hanson
courtney love and marilyn manson
you're all fakes
run to your mansions
come on
we'll kick your asses
don't let go
one dance left

much to look forward to

but the pain of distance still hurts deep.

today was exhausting. the second of five consecutive days of work at the golf course. yesterday was bad. today was bad. i only hope it cannot get any worse. i'm still slightly aggravated about this whole situation and i wish ben had answered his phone one of the times i called him.

i close tomorrow which will give me some more time in the morning to get some much-needed rest.

this weekend will be crazy, i think. saturday night is the staff meeting in the bag room which will most likely include a lot of people getting yelled at. i'm planning on driving to estes park to see kate either sunday after i get off work or on monday during the day. my parents, brothers, jill, and whoever else is going are leaving for ouray, co either on saturday or sunday. i'm not sure they even know yet. i may drive down there for one night on monday or tuesday if it works out. the problem is that i do not yet have my schedule starting june 1st. brian and kevin get in on thursday afternoon, so i need to make sure i open thursday and close friday if i am going to work those days at all. my family is supposed to get back on the 4th. my great aunt is going to need a ride to the airport that day as well, and i have a feeling i may be the one required to do it. i really wish my parents would give me some specific details about what is going on...but that is asking for a miracle in my family.

i'm sure i'll survive nonetheless. besides, i have much to look forward to.

and now, a good song...

pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong will never fall
but watching stars without you, my soul cries
heaving heart is full of pain
oh, oh the aching

cause i'm kissing you, oh
i'm kissing you, oh

touch me deep, pure, and true
give to me forever

cause i'm kissing you, oh
i'm kissing you, oh

where are you now?
where are you now?
cause i'm kissing you
i'm kissing you, oh

Brian and I

i've been playing with flickr...a picture i like.

one thing and i can do nothing about

today has been quite the stressful day. work wasn't as bad as it could have been. it was a lot smaller tournament than we all thought it was going to be. we had everything set up by 11:30 and the shotgun wasn't until 1, so we had some time to spare. it went out on time and then i spent a little less than an hour chipping balls out of the rough on the range...i got a blister for my efforts, but i can handle that club much better than i did yesterday and last week now. i locked my keys in the bug again (second time in three days). my dad came and brought me the spare, then i went to the key place and had another made for me to keep in my bag in case i continue this trend of leaving them in the ignition. i came home for about two hours, finished donnie darko, ate lunch, then went back to pinehurst at 4:45. the carts were pretty much all back by 5:15 and we had them all stocked, washed, and downstairs by 6:30. despite the two guys i was working with being total assholes, we were out of there by 6:50. now i'm home. no one's here. i hate that, especially since my dad said he was going to be home tonight.

specific things that stressed me out:
- miscommunications leading to arguments
- feeling like i'm completely alone
- asshole guys i work with, specifically fabian and chris, although jake had his moments of being an asshole today as well...luckily jeff was working in the pro shop today; he always makes things easier to deal with.
- locking my keys in my car again
- me being bitchy to my dad...i'm a horrible person, really.
- some woman almost ploughing into my tiny little bug going 40 miles an hour on sheridan. i feel bad because i got pissed off and had some road rage going on.
- not wanting to go back to the course to close after i had left...i hate that. i would have rather stayed there and cleaned the cart barn or something.

the few decent things of the day:
- got an unexpected check from creighton today that is dated september 10, 2004 (weird...no idea why i'm getting it now, but i'll take it)
yep, that's all.

mark wanted me to go with him to paul's tonight, but i turned him down. i feel bad since i haven't seen him since last week, but like i told him...i'm just not in the mood, i'm tired, and i want this day to end as quickly as possible.

tomorrow's schedule includes:
- depositing my check from creighton
- going down to mullen to drop off evidence, meet linds, and see a few select teachers
- filling up the bug
- cleaning my bathroom
- frisbee golf or something of the sort with mark

my new short playlist, "bruised"
- over our heads :: jon brion
- sitting, waiting, wishing :: jack johnson
- revolving door :: jon brion
- scars :: papa roach
- walk away :: ben harper
- knock yourself out :: jon brion
- new american classic :: taking back sunday
- never know :: jack johnson
- us :: regina spektor

you're pushing me

pushing me somewhere i don't think i want to be, but i'm not sure anymore.

sure, it may be impossible, but it's still there. every single day i go, it's there.

joking? i don't know anymore. even if it is, does it really matter?

i don't want this. i want it to go back to normal. why did he have to say anything? i wouldn't have ever thought about it, ever...but not now. now, it's always there. always.

it all seems so futile anyway. will i ever be happy?

"sure seems the same, with a different name
...
and you can either sink or swim, things are looking pretty grim"

i can't keep going through this night after night. what the hell is the point anymore?

one day...i'm going to get to the point where i lose all the will to deal with this.

you can run a red light

a long day...almost over. soon.

my parents' surprise 25th anniversary party (a week before their actual anniversary) went pretty well. that's all i'm going to say about that though.

work was crappy. the guy i was opening with left at 9am (3 hours after we got there), leaving me to work by myself until the next shift of people came in which is supposed to be at 1pm. in the midst of working by myself, a few things went wrong. oh well. at about noon, one of the guys who was supposed to be in at 1 called in sick. isn't that wonderful? so, i got to wait until after 2:30 when the kid we called in early showed up. when i was leaving i realized i had locked my keys in my car...that just made my day. my car is still at the course with the keys in the ignition (not on, obviously). hmm, i hope its still there in the morning [knock on wood]. on the plus side, i made $31 in tips this morning...almost as much as my new sunglasses will cost me once i order them, so that's good.

enough of this day. i don't want to feel useless anymore, so sleep will become my refuge.

goodnight.

loneliness never goes away

i miss so many things. things i cannot comprehend and cannot explain to myself or anyone else. all i know is that i long to have them back again.

my comfort...music, memories, movies, pictures, letters, reciepts.

"everything will be ok in the end."

you once told me that. do you still believe it?

i do.

i'm just a fool

i'm having trouble.

push one day, pull the next. they are so contradictory...how can i reconcile the two?

everyone wants to be wanted by someone...anyone. to feel loved. human nature. and in this respect, i'm just like everyone else. i'm ok when i have it and depressed when i don't, but those swings come all too often. i feel nearly bipolar. i could have control if i wanted it, but that's a big risk. too big of a risk for me to take.

i've been listening to a lot of jack johnson tonight. i think its bad for me. it seems to make too much sense to me. i don't want that.

"i'm just a fool learning lovin someone don't make them love you."

what a harsh reality to face, especially with no one to ask for help.

i'm getting torn in two completely opposite directions. and then a third by something entirely unrelated that i cannot even comprehend.

i need to take a look at how i live my life. how i affect others around me. i need to stop and think.

would you wait for me?

the beautiful depression

oh no
here comes that sun again
that means another day without you my friend
and it hurts me to look in the mirror at myself
and it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else
and its so hard to do
and so easy to say
but sometimes
sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away

so many people to love in my life
why do i worry about one?
but you put the happy in my ness
you put the good times into my fun

and its so hard to do
and so easy to say
sometimes
sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away
and head for the door

we've tried the goodbyes
so many days
we walk in the same direction
so that we could never stray
they say that if you love somebody
then you have got to set them free
but i would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery

they say that time will make this all go away
but its time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays
and once again that rising sun is a dropping on down
and once again you my friend are nowhere to be found

and its so hard to do, and so easy to say
but sometimes
sometimes
you just have to walk away
walk away
and head for the door
you just walk away
walk away
walk away
just walk on
walk on
turn and head for the door
walk away

all we have to live for.

had an interesting conversation with a good friend tonight.

maybe those few moments ARE what we have to live for. what if they are? what about the rest of our lives? are we doomed to be unhappy whilst waiting for those moments that are so few and far between that every other moment masks the wanting to jump off a tall building?

which then leads us into another interesting topic...

is happiness possible for anyone? before we can answer that question, we must look to the discussion of whether true happiness exists at all. it is obviously something we cannot touch or see, but it is something we can feel either? who could possibly argue that they are truly happy? does a material good make someone happy? perhaps for a fleeting second, but that can't possibly be true happiness, can it?
of course there are no absolutes, i don't think they exist at all. [or maybe they do if we, the nonconformists, are just conforming to nonconformity.] thus, true happiness, if it does exist at all, must, by necessity, be relative to all people.

do relatives exist? or are we all too similar for something that complex? because, really, aren't we all driven by the same things...nourishment, survival, prolonging the race? have our primitive insticts changed entirely or just evolved to include things that have been recently 'discovered' thanks to technology?

look at me...i've deviated horribly from my original question. that is a sign...good or bad, i cannot decide. if one question leads to more questions, my very first contention that there are no answers (and perhaps no real questions) must be at least somewhat true.

no answers. no questions.

no hope?

hard times

sometimes i don't think my eyes are open at all. is now one of those times? has it been for awhile? even when i'm trying to figure it all out, i can't. what is the point anyway if i never get it right?

there is too much pain, stress, and anxiety in this world, this society we live in. too much hurt. too much death. too much anguish over things that hide the truly beautiful and amazing things like life, nature, and love. is there something to be done about this? could we change it if we tried or are we stuck with no choice in the matter whatsoever? i've found that it is difficult to change things just for myself because of the amount of people it would require changing, and that number is so insignificant relative to the number of people on the planet...it must be impossible. i don't want to believe it. i'll keep hoping that one day we may all just wake up and realize that it doesn't have to be this way. call me naive, if you wish and then recognize your resigned, given up self.

maybe i am naive. is that bad? is it making things worse? is it people like me who perpetuate an ideal that is doomed to never become reality?

------------

i talked to a friend todaty. not an old friend, not a new friend. just a friend i haven't talked to in a couple weeks. i miss her. she has such great insight. she knows what to say to keep me inspired. "you're pretty darn stubborn..." you're damn right i am. i won't give up. i will stick with it. thanks, kate. you're just what i needed.

tomorrow is the last day of my six-day consecutive work week. five days in a row has started to take it out of me, but only one more...then an entire day off, which i intend to spend at least part of catching up with katie. i have no doubt that she'll be just what i need, too. she has a way of doing that. i am certainly blessed with such good friends. i need to avoid taking advantage of that.

i'll continue taking up my time with music, reading, crew stuff, and more attempts at cleaning/organizing my room. my hope is that those small things will eventually add up to the 95 days i have left here. luckily, i have a few things to look forward to and you are most of them.

chasing me all around

this is only the second time i've gotten to sleep in since i've been home...but i'm still convinced that waking up to an alarm does not constitute sleeping in. eh, oh well. too much sleep is bad anyway and i think i've gotten too much.

yesterday was a busy day. i didn't judge and i didn't even watch a single round. jill and i became the 'lunch ladies' and i now know that is a job i would never want. being in charge of feeding and cleaning up after 40-something high school and college age debaters was interesting, at the very least. the most interesting thing that i saw yesterday was that someone had taken the lid off a squeeze bottle of mayo and used a knife instead...just blows my mind.

i haven't even been home a full week and i'm already wishing i had some way to escape it all. it has barely been a mediocre week. and i still need to really get my room all organized. i still have two boxes that i'm not sure of where to put everything. i seemed to have gained quite a bit of stuff over the last 8 months in omaha and now i don't know what to do with it all.

i really want to get into that book, but i don't ever have the time, and whenever i do, i'm tired so i'm not even really reading it and end up having to put it down and go to sleep. it is incredibly frustrating.

as is being forced to go to church...

good luck exploring the infinite abyss

infinite abyss...sounds familiar.

i'm tired. my eyes hurt.
i'm sad. my heart hurts.
i'm alone. and i don't know what to do.

i wish there was a way to change something.

can i do that? is it possible? of course. well, maybe not of course, but yes, it is possible. is it plausible? doubtie. (smile)

what do i do now?

have i alienated myself entirely?


a few things...
- don't judge people. let their identites unfold in front of you.
- stop spending money. don't buy unnecessary things. don't get upset about the small stuff.
- smile at the things that should be smiled at: nature, other people, kindness...
- laugh at the things that should be laughed at: yourself.
- relax. you've got time.
- enjoy the everyday and the not so everyday events of life.
- take it one day at a time. one day. one hour. one moment. every moment.

i sound like a cliche 'philosophical' or 'self help' book. i've become that which i once despised? or was what i despised what i am?

the question of yesterday: are we, the nonconformists, conforming to nonconformity?

the question of today: why am i unhappy?

the question of tomorrow: how do i make it better?

"everything will be okay in the end. it its not okay, then its not the end."
- a good end to my questions...

everything will be alright.

just believe.

and now for the contradiction of the evening:
do some real thinking...figure some things out. who are you? what do you want? what's important? why do you do the things you do - for you or for someone else? are your feelings real or have you been deceived?
think about it.

everything's a memory

i got my schedule for this month for pinehurst today. i already have to change two shifts, maybe three. we'll see how that goes. i work tomorrow at 6:30am...sweet. at least i got to skip the training deal. hopefully they didn't change anything too big. almost everyone working there this summer is new, with the exception of kyle brink and matt collins. too bad i dislike matt intensely. i hope linds decides to take some hours this summer. i can imagine kyle's sister being pretty cool. i guess i'll just have to wait and see how it goes.
tonight i need to fill out an application or two, keep unpacking, and then get some sleep so i can be on time tomorrow morning.
but now its time to play frisbee golf with marke...

home...or something.

yep, i'm back in lakewood.
lost, lonely, and scared.

strength is what i need.

mixed emotions

i'm done. finally. or not so finally. the year seems to have blown by so quickly leaving me confused, exhausted, and wanting more.
i'm not sure how to deal with the end of one period of time and the beginning of the next period.
these two semesters have brought a lot of things to me that are so numerous i cannot pretend to even have realized them all when they were right in front of me. i've had some experiences i won't forget soon with some people i know i won't forget. i've spent a fair amount of time trying to find where i fit in. i am still uncertain of where that place is. today is one of the many days where i'm convinced there is no such place for me. i am destined to continue the next years of my life (however many may be in store) wandering aimlessly from group to group searching for something i cannot even qualify. maybe happiness exists for some people, but i don't think it does for me. every time i think i find some thing or person that makes me happy, it always ceases to exist as soon as i realize i'm happy.
more to say...later...

4 down, 2 to go

i'm over halfway done with this week's finals just today. that's a good feeling, but i am mentally, physically, and emptionally exhausted and it still early in the day. last week was chem lab; today was politics, history, and weights; tomorrow is chem and friday is world lit. i'm worried about chem, of course, but i've come to the conclusion that after tomorrow, i'll either be done with gen chem or i'll have to take this semester over again. there's nothing else to it but that and i'm leaving it up to the gods that be. world lit will be an undertaking, but i'll have lots of time to prepare for it.
i'm tired of the endless arguments that come from nothing. i keep telling myself that i'm trying to prevent them, but what can i really do to stop them? whatever it is i have been doing certainly hasn't helped because they still happen regardless of what i do. it's so frustrating. sometimes i just want to give up, but then i remember that despite all the crappiness, i'm still happier than i used to be. maybe that's at least partially true for you too...i can only hope.
i'm really getting tired of all the things i know you're thinking, but aren't telling me. why does it always come down to me reading something, perhaps getting the wrong impression from it, and then getting all worked up over it but getting no results and no imput from you? i wish you would just tell me whatever it is.
i'm back to being scared. of so many things. i hate trying to compete with some unseen thing that i'm not even sure is real or imagined.
i have lots of packing to do, and i should be doing it.
i'm tired. i want a change. i need to get out of here. i'm looking forward to going home where things just might make a little more sense, but i know that as soon as i get there, i'm going to be counting the days until i'm back here again. when will i be content? and who will i be with?
too many decisions i know i'm not ready to make.
so, i'll delude myself with superficial things until i'm ready to take a risk and deal with it.
on my own. it always ends up that way.

i wish i could talk to the one person where there is understanding between us. i can talk openly to you and you to me, or so i think.