4 down, 2 to go

i'm over halfway done with this week's finals just today. that's a good feeling, but i am mentally, physically, and emptionally exhausted and it still early in the day. last week was chem lab; today was politics, history, and weights; tomorrow is chem and friday is world lit. i'm worried about chem, of course, but i've come to the conclusion that after tomorrow, i'll either be done with gen chem or i'll have to take this semester over again. there's nothing else to it but that and i'm leaving it up to the gods that be. world lit will be an undertaking, but i'll have lots of time to prepare for it.
i'm tired of the endless arguments that come from nothing. i keep telling myself that i'm trying to prevent them, but what can i really do to stop them? whatever it is i have been doing certainly hasn't helped because they still happen regardless of what i do. it's so frustrating. sometimes i just want to give up, but then i remember that despite all the crappiness, i'm still happier than i used to be. maybe that's at least partially true for you too...i can only hope.
i'm really getting tired of all the things i know you're thinking, but aren't telling me. why does it always come down to me reading something, perhaps getting the wrong impression from it, and then getting all worked up over it but getting no results and no imput from you? i wish you would just tell me whatever it is.
i'm back to being scared. of so many things. i hate trying to compete with some unseen thing that i'm not even sure is real or imagined.
i have lots of packing to do, and i should be doing it.
i'm tired. i want a change. i need to get out of here. i'm looking forward to going home where things just might make a little more sense, but i know that as soon as i get there, i'm going to be counting the days until i'm back here again. when will i be content? and who will i be with?
too many decisions i know i'm not ready to make.
so, i'll delude myself with superficial things until i'm ready to take a risk and deal with it.
on my own. it always ends up that way.

i wish i could talk to the one person where there is understanding between us. i can talk openly to you and you to me, or so i think.