i'm surrounded by all this pavement

an interesting, yet not incredibly exciting few days have passed.

yesterday i relaxed in the morning, doing my own thing until mark came over at noon. we went over to noodles for lunch, then went down to pinehurst to play the nine hole course. it was pretty hot and i felt like i played pretty crappy. i was putting much worse than i did on monday, but i think i shot close to the same. i feel much better about my driving than i did at the beginning of the season. [i am thinking of going down to the driving range later tonight before they close and paul and i go hang out.] after golf, i headed over to the pool where brian and jill met me. i fell asleep reading and only woke up when brian threw his hat at me before they left. i stayed a little while longer and then came back home. avoiding pretty much everyone because i felt like crap, i made myself some soup and watched a couple episodes of that 70's show. i read a little and then went to bed around 10:30.

i got up this morning at 4:45, got ready for work, and headed back to pinehurst. the morning went by incredibly quickly owing to the ladies 9 hole guest day shotguns at 8 and 12:30, the B team matches at 9, and regular ladies play. working with matt was fine this morning (which it usually isn't), but ben, a relatively new kid, was killing us. he's pretty useless. oh well. after i ate lunch, i went to pick up jack's chew since he was working. when i got back, i was planning on leaving for the day, but got roped into staying until nearly three because of ladies asking for me and matt needing me to try to re-train heather (another useless person on our staff). when i finally got out of there, i came home for 15 minutes, grabbed my pool stuff, and went over to bear creek.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

i cannot believe it is already july! the time seems to have flown by. i have been working so much that i haven't had time for much else. i don't regret it at all. i've made a lot of money this summer already and i have had a lot of fun with a bunch of people. money is not what it is all about at all, but it will be nice to have something to live off of during school. i don't really want to have to ask my grandpa for money so soon in my college career even though he keeps offering it to me.

as much fun as i had at school last year, i am definitely enjoying time away from school work and all the drama that comes with the school scene in general. i am looking forward to a few things, namely hanging out with my good friends, crew, and the thought that perhaps some of my classes will be more exciting these next two semesters. i am not looking forward to leaving my house with its free food and laundry. i will miss toby and jimi (my cars) a lot, but will feel better about myself when i am not contributing to pollution and destroying the planet. the thing i am most apprehensive about leaving is pinehurst. paul is right...i am addicted to pinehurst. but why is that a bad thing? i have such a good time hanging out with everyone there. i've gotten to know all the pro shop guys so much better. lara and i have a blast whenever we spend time together. paul and i hang out so much more than i would have ever imagined two months ago. ben, jeff, jack, and i have a good time "flirting" with each other. i love messing around with john, rich, and all the other guys. i am quite comfortable with my decision to come back home next summer, so long as i'm working in the pro shop. and i'll be looking forward to it too. they're great guys and they're a lot of fun.

i've found that the only places i'm comfortable are when i'm at work, in my room, at the pool reading, driving, and whenever i'm listening to good music. i'm not really ok with any sort of social situation, and i only make myself ok if i'm drinking, which i've eased up a lot on this week. although, my parents are going out of town this weekend, so we'll see what happens...

i have tomorrow off, then i work saturday, sunday, and monday on the busiest weekend of the season for us. saturday is the firecracker tournament. sunday is a normal day. monday is technically a normal day, but we're expecting something like 500 people to be out at the course throughout the day, not to mention the 2000 expected for the whole club, including fireworks. i am really excited to work monday because i'm closing with some good guys in the bagroom, and i know jeff and ben, at least, will be working that night in the shop. the fireworks are going to rock, and we're going to have good seats for the show. it will be a lot of fun and i am looking forward to it, even though it signals the start of the downhill of summer.

where the clouds are far behind me...

it has been a weird couple of days...

yesterday i opened at 5:45 and was planning on splitting the shift with bryan because i was still not sure if lara and i were going to make it to the open. he showed up at 10, but lara hadn't called yet and there were only two people working since there was no sub for kellen, so i was just going to say. lara called about fifteen minutes after bryan got there, so i ran down to my car, grabbed my clothes, changed, clocked out, and headed to meet lara. after about an hour of driving around, we found a lot that we were allowed to park in at the tech center and got on the shuttle headed for cherry hills. we picked up our tickets and will call and spent about four hours walking around watching golf, drinking beer, and getting sunburnt. it was a very enjoyable day. lara and i are similar in odd ways, but we get along well. and we always have lots to talk about, even if it is only complaining about the guys (specifically jeff, jack, and ben) being assholes, in their own ways, to us daily. the highlight of the day for me was seeing michelle wie, who started the day tied for first place at +1 and ended +9, say "fuck this bullshit" to her caddy before she teed off number twelve. it was awesome. although, i felt kinda bad for her because she was playing so badly, but still had hundreds of people following her around (she had more of a crowd than the leaders did).

we got back to lara's car at the parking lot before the ominous black cloud hit, but it was an interesting drive back. i spent the night last night nursing my horribly sunburnt shoulders falling asleep to a movie. enjoyable in its simplicity. i got about nine hours of sleep (a lot for me) last night and was ok with not having to be at work until 8:30.

ben called me to tell me he was going to be late...luckily paul and bob were already there. ben will soon realize that he probably shouldn't have called me on his cell phone because now i have the number, thus enabling me to drunk dial his cell phone whenever i please....hehe. i'm kidding. sort of. i enjoy talking to ben, even if i don't remember anything i said.

the tournament today, the cadillac invitational, took far too long to set up, but me, steven, and kyle had a blast doing it. i was in rare form in terms of the mood i was in. everything was hilarious to me. even kyle driving a golf cart over my foot and stopping the cart on it. i was laughing so much, as well as being in pain, that i couldn't even tell him that the cart was on my foot. all i could do was hit him to make him move. it was a lot of fun...and i got paid for it. i'm scared that i'm going to get overtime from taking those four-ish hours yesterday because [other] ben couldn't find anyone to sub for him and i'm just too nice (and have no life). i hope i don't get ben in trouble...

paul, steven, and i went out on the nine hole course while the tournament was out. jeff found us and played the last five holes with us. well, he showed us all up. it was a lot of fun even though i was horribly embarassed. i had an awesome 30 foot putt for par on number five that i am quite proud of. (the only par i had all day...oh yea.) there is much more that could be said about all that, but eh.

the shotgun came back in around six-ish and took far too long to get everything done. my screwing around with ben and paul probably didn't help, but oh well because we were having fun and the job eventually got done. besides, i'm not opening tomorrow, so james can deal with it, which he said he would do.

when we were walking out, paul, ben, and i had a really good (albeit short) conversation. horribly depressing because it was about ben and his soon to be ex-wife. ben has an amazing outlook about the whole thing even though he got screwed over hardcore. i really wish i could be as strong a person as he is, while at the same time not really blaming anyone for what happened. his response, "i have two beautiful babies." wow. he is just an amazing man. i really respect him, even though he and the other shop guys love to gang up on me everyday. heh. working at pinehurst has given me some of my fondest memories of the past two years. maybe that is the reason why it is so hard for me to leave and to not be there.

i have a list of things to get done tomorrow before i go into work at 1. hopefully i can get at least a few of them done and be able to call it a relatively productive day.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

i got an unexpected message on my phone today while i was at work. i had felt it too, but had not expected anyone else to feel it. soon...i hope.

i accidentally opened chess tonight and it made me think of you. i haven't played or even opened it since i left omaha. those are the moments in life that really catch me offguard...when something so simple means so much, but only to you for that one reason. which then reminds me of armageddon..."do you think anyone else is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?" that question always gets to me. i can't figure out an answer. i can't even figure out if any answer would be good or bad or even anything at all.

i've done and said a lot of things in the last couple weeks that i really regret. i could start a list, but i don't know if it would ever end. there are a few that stick out in my mind, but i have no way to rationalize 'getting over' them.

i need to ease up a little bit. i need to stop getting so offended by the things people say. but when i think about trying not to hold people to what they say, i get really upset because if i cannot hold them to their words, what the hell can i hold them to? actions are oftentimes false. if words are too, what is left? there doesn't seem to be a third possibility unless you are able to get onto that next level with a person, but that connection seems so limited and doomed to being finite that trying to attain it is futile.

i feel so alone lately, yet at least half of it is me alienating myself. i don't call people back (with the exception of a few) because i don't feel like trying to get to that connection that aludes us all and i certainly don't want to deal with false words and actions. i know myself to be true, to an extent, and i am somewhat content with my solitude just to ease the pain and take the path of least resistance. is dealing with all that really worth the few seconds of joy you may share with a person? and then there's the question of if that joy or happiness is even real. can it ever be real? what is real happiness? does it exist anywhere in what i know to be existence? perhaps happiness only comes from a connection that is impossible...we're all doomed, or so it seems at least.

there are some people i wish i could spend infinite amounts of time with, but they are so far away from me in either geography or some other thing that i cannot decipher. it is highly upsetting to me that jeff claimed that he wasn't going to come hang out with me because he didn't want to be around a bunch of eighteen year olds or something like that. that kind of fickle crap really bothers me. it also makes me think a lot differently about him. why are there always so many constraints on human relationships. they are assuredly created by each person or society as a whole. these are the times when i want to grasp on to those beliefs i used to hold so strongly. rebellion and all that. but what does that accomplish? an attitude from society that i don't want to deal with. is it apathy or cowardice? a little of both, i fear.

i wish i could be a different person than i am right now. i wish i could change as easily as other people seem to. i wish there was no death, war, hunger, disease, poverty...no pain such as those things. pain is inevitable and perhaps makes us stronger, but pain like that is not always inevitable, nor does it make a person stronger. i wish morgan hadn't died. i wish my deal with "god" had worked out like it seems to for so many other people. i do wish it had been me and not her. and not carrie or troy. not colleen. not any of them. tears aren't enough. nothing is.

i am alone. now and until this life, whatever it may be, ends.

boom boom boom

the new speakers are proving quite fun to play with. i can only imagine the many times i will be keeping people in my house up because of my music. we'll see.

it has been a very long two days. yesterday was alright. we made $120 in tips between the four of us last night ($30 per person even though i made sixty of it myself). pete's tennis party was interesting. it is something i'm not really keen on talking/thinking about just yet. perhaps later.

either way, i got maybe 15 minutes of sleep the whole night and had to get up at 5am to leave pete's house to get to work on time. i was moving pretty slow due to my exhaustion and hangover throughout work today, but even despite that, i still work faster than anyone else. how sad is that? i got yelled at by a member and his wife early on today, so that definitely was not a good start to the day. he really pissed me off and he had absolutely no reason to speak to me the way he did, especially since what we "did wrong" 1. wasn't even me, and 2. was for their own freaking good. blegh. pinehurst members can be such pompus pricks. i don't want to think about that either.

now i'm home...i set up my speakers and now i am planning on putting a movie in upstairs and falling asleep on the couch for awhile. there's a bbq at francie's house tonight that my mom wants me to go to because becky and her kids are in town, but leaving and i missed the get together earlier this week because of work. i'll probably drive up there later. what else do i have to do besides sleep?

tomorrow, lara and i are planning on going to the final round of the women's us open at cherry hills. it will be awesome if we get vendors' tickets because then we'll get free food and we'll get to sit in the air conditioning all day. even if we don't get those tickets, it will be a lot of fun. lara and i get along really well...we mostly just complain to each other about everyone else in the golf shop as a whole. i hope we get to go. [knock on wood.]

nap time...

one hundred and twenty

i recieved a nice surprise yesterday when i went to pinehurst to pick up my check...it was $300 more than i had expected. i'm still a little shocked by it because i wasn't expecting it at all. now i understand why they're pretty upset with me. i'd be upset if i had to pay someone that much, too. but, it's not as if i didn't do an enormous amount of work those two weeks to earn it. and i say that in the most modest way possible. nine days in a row at pinehurst was a few too many for my taste, but i still had fun and don't regret it at all (and not because of the money). but i'm pretty sure i've made more from three paychecks at pinehurst this summer than i did the entire summer last year, which will definitely help me out during the next two semesters in omaha.

after pinehurst, i went and picked up noodles and co. to go and then headed off to the pool. the hour long lightning delay passed and i was able to lay out for something like two hours. i lost a little of my watch tan yesterday, but i'm confident that i'm still winning that contest...heh.

i stayed with katie at the house she is watching last night. an interesting night. not extraordinarily interesting or fun, but oh well. probably better than sitting around here.

today, i work 1-close. the big Black Sheep Tournament of the summer. i'm excited that i got to switch shifts instead of opening this morning because we should be able to make a lot of tips tonight....hopefully. knock on wood. after work, i'm headed over to pete's party (theme: 70s-80s style tennis...don't ask me why). it should be a fun night. and i don't work again until monday at 5am. a nice weekend off, i hope.

now, i'm off to take a shower, get dressed, and head into work early with the hopes of being able to talk to matt some, if he's there today.

oh, and i wish i had tickets to the open this weekend. lara hooked everyone up in the pro shop, so maybe i'll be able to get one....that would be sweet. there was a 2 mile long line of cars trying to part at one of the lots at the DTC this morning, and that is just one of the parking lots set up for this! craziness.

everybody wake up

a random compilation of thoughts, feelings, and musings...

- i'm incredibly excited for september 9th, 10th, and 11th...whichever show(s) i go to. it will be an expensive adventure (already is), but it will be worth it to see dave back at red rocks for the first time in 8 years.

- i miss paul. i haven't seen him since saturday and i have no idea when he gets back from his trip. he's a goofy idiot, but he's someone for me to hang out with, at least. he's also someone i can talk to about...things, since he knows both people. hmm.

- i'm looking forward to tomorrow night. partying with this group of people should prove to be interesting, but i know it will be fun regardless.

- i got my promotion/raise yesterday. bag room supervisor/$9.50 per hour. i hope this doesn't mean that i can't get some hours in the pro shop in july and august, but i guess i'll just have to wait to see. i'm happy because i know i deserve it, but i'm scared and nervous at the same time since now there's a title and i have responsibilities (which i will hopefully get to talk to matt about today when i go pick up my HUGE check), or something.

- the same amount of people showed up to the meeting last night as did last week, which just blows my mind. last week we had fourteen out of some twenty-two. last night we had fourteen, but now we're down to nineteen, i think, since two quit and one got fired (finally!). james (the other supervisor, even though he doesn't do shit) pissed me off at the meeting. he was totally condescending and made a really out-of-line comment about the bag room employees. what an ass. he shouldn't be supervisor. sometimes i can deal with him, and other times i want to kill him.

- i'm scared to go talk to matt. he likes me now and that's a great improvement from last season, but he is still intimidating and i don't seem to say what i mean to when i'm talking to him.

- i'm always scared that i've pissed ben off in some way. he is the absolute last person i would want to upset because he always tries to protect me when him, i, or both of us are in trouble.

- i am ruled by my emotions far too much. i say things i shouldn't and that i don't really mean in that way. i let my anger (or whatever intense emotion it may be) get the best of me. i need to work on that...for a lot of reasons.

- i'm steadily becoming more and more apathetic towards things i never thought that would happen to. that scares me. i don't know what the cause or remedy for it is either.

- today:
shower
food
pick up paycheck from pinehurst
talk to matt and/or ben
deposit check
random errands
relax at the pool

this night

didn't i say
i wasn't ready for a romance
didn't we promise
we would only be friends

and so we danced
though it was only a slow dance
i started breaking my promises
right there and then

didn't i swear
there would be no complications
didn't you want
someone who's seen it all before

now that you're here
it's not the same situation
suddenly i don't remember the rules anymore

this night is mine
it's only you and i
tomorrow
is a long time away
this night can last forever

. . .

how many nights
have i been lonely without you
i tell myself
how much i really don't care

how many nights
have i been thinking about you
wanting to hold you
but knowing you would not be there

wow

it has been a very weird day...and i have only been up for three hours. i went in to pinehurst to change my schedule back, and that was definitely a bad idea. i walked in and lara and [matt] bailey jumped down my throat about my overtime. i thought i had 20 hours. matt thought i had 10. lara knew i had 31. that was quite an experience. i calculated out what my paycheck would be before taxes: $951. i don't even know what to say about it. matt was pissed. ben was pissed, but wouldn't show it because he didn't want me to feel bad. it was bad timing because a few minutes after matt found out it really was 31 hours, a member's clubs got misplaced and he was freaking out about it. i asked lara if i could pay for my sunglasses...also a really bad idea. paul is an idiot and couldn't figure it out, so he asked bob and then bob freaked out because i was getting them for cost and at a discount, so he did it and i ended up paying $72.81 for sunglasses that should have cost me less than fifty bucks. i got screwed. ugh. but oh well, it's only money. my biggest problem with it is that it was very consequential. if a variety of things hadn't happened, i wouldn't have had to pay that much. i also feel like bob was getting back at me for having so much overtime, but how is that my fault or his place to reprimand me for it?
now i'm just in a bad mood. i came over to brian's to check on the cats and fish because i am really not certain what is going on. they told me linus wasn't going to be here (because he's a huge fucking dog who attacks me everytime i come over here), but oh yea, i opened the door and there he was trying to bite me. sweet!
i'm going to run back to my house, throw my stuff in the washer (since i'm now working tomorrow morning), grab something to eat, and then head to the pool because i need to relax.

i just love hypocrites

you know the kind...the people who preach a variety of things to anyone who will or will not listen, but at the same time do just the opposite of what they are claiming to advocate. i had a nice run-in with that today. it always makes me laugh to see it, too. ah, yes, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside just to know that i, at least, can realize that they're doing it while they are completely oblivious, or just ignorant.

anyway, i'm still waiting on the word from a few different people, each about something different.

i wish i had the guts to have just talked to him. me and my embarassment about simple things. oh well, i will comfort myself in believing that nothing would have come from it anyway. nothing but my saying something stupid. as much as i know that is what probably would have happened, i know there was still a chance he would have said everything i want him to. damn. take a risk, meg. next time perhaps...

i have the next two days off and i'm not sure what i'm going to do for them. i'll probably go down to the pool tomorrow and try lying out again, hopefully with a result close to the previous time. other than that, i will try to enjoy my time away from work. i was close to freaking out this morning. i guess that is what happens when you get stuck working with a brand new kid without anyone else even though there are supposed to be three people working mornings. thank you, matt wilson. and i swear, the next time i see matt press, i'm going to beat the shit out of that little prick. ben needs to fire him. i pretty much told him that today, but the closest i could get was having him send matt press home if he ever did show up this afternoon. i hope he either didn't show up or he did get sent home. i would prefer him having not shown up and not called because then he'd be supposedly fired...finally.

i think i'm dealing with all of this pretty well considering what's happened in the last few days. i've had periods of being close to a nervous breakdown, but i never did and other than those bouts, i've been absolutely fine. things are better this way and i'm coming to realize that more and more with every day that passes.

a poor man's sarah

that's all i ever was to you. it was all a lie. i don't know what compelled you to do this to me. if only you knew.
i can't believe how ignorant i've been. everyone knew but me and no one took the time or consideration to tell me...and i thought i was friends with those people, at least one of them.
i haven't ever felt this used or betrayed before. congratulations.

this may never start

it's tuesday morning. my head hurts unceasingly. i don't know where i am right now. i feel like a hollow shell, entirely detached from the world.

this is the beautiful letdown. i hope it is for you as well.

i need to do something i haven't done in a long time. perhaps later this morning or after work...

this is it.

this right here is the latest i've been up for awhile. all these opening shifts at the course have gotten me into a routine of going to bed around 11 since i get up at 4:30. i close tomorrow night and then open monday morning at 5am...can't wait.

katie and i saw sahara last night. paul and i went to see crash tonight. both were good, but in ways i cannot even comprehend. i need to see crash again before i will be able to make any sort of intelligent deliberations on it (since i fell asleep for a few minutes in the middle there).

i feel betrayed and don't know what to think, feel, do, or say about any part of it all. i just know that i am alone. i understand, now more than ever, that everyone is running around on their own, worrying about themselves and not much else. that makes me sad, but then i realize that i fall into that category of everyone despite how much i wish i didn't. is there even a way to prevent it?

i got some news tonight that i suppose i knew was coming, but i was still not entirely prepared for it. i don't think i ever will be. i don't really want to work tomorrow night with jeff considering the circumstance. i don't want to work monday with ben either, for that matter. at that point, maybe the chance to go into the pro shop would not be a wise choice if i were to get that opportunity.

i made a decision a few days ago. only two people know about it, and neither of them understands the magnitude of the decision. interesting.

i'm not in the mood anymore.

almost halfway

in a few ways.

it rained a lot today. work was crappy. three different rain/lightning delays all before 1. it was nice not having to do anything, but sitting around with relatively no one to talk to sucks. those days are only worth it if there are people (usually pro shop people) to talk to/hang out with. today, that didn't happen. matt was around (as was bob hayward), so it was a scramble just to look like we were doing something when really there was nothing to do. i'm tired of this game with ben and pinehurst in general. i feel like i'm starting to piss ben off, but i've been screwed over on numerous occassions for the last three weeks, so i don't feel too bad about it. i think i've paid my dues and have a right to push for this. but, argh. i really am getting tired of the fight and i'm not sure how much longer i can last. i open tomorrow with an "all star crew" as we tend to call it. actually, i'm being judgemental...i don't know this andrew kid and maybe molly will be better than before. either way, it will suck.

katie and i are going to see house of wax tonight. i don't know what has happened to my standards...she is desperate to get out of her house though. i'm not going to argue even though it does look like a horrible movie because hanging out around here tonight does not appeal to me. we'll see how it goes.

there are far too many things i wish i could say and do to even attempt to list them all off. one sticks out in my mind. constantly. in the past, i often had the "it will never happen" attitude toward something, but so many times, it did happen. this time, i'm quite certain it really will never happen. i can barely even recognize it, let alone anyone else. perhaps a few, but not anyone that can do anything about it. not even me. it really is just something i can't have. this realization is hard to deal with. it makes it really hard to want to be around here for another seventy-odd days, but i don't have a choice.

i think i've made a decision to come back to denver next summer instead of staying in omaha. i don't want to rush through things, especially not college. sure, i need to get done in four years if i can, but i'm not going to make my life miserable in order for that to happen. if bob and matt really are going to give me a position in the pro shop next summer, i will definitely come back home to do that. granted, i won't be able to make that decision with any certainty for awhile, but that's what i want to do. this is definitely one of those things i cannot worry about. it will just have to happen, and then i'll deal with it.

i'm starting to get sick. my throat really hurts and has since i got up this morning at 4:30. i could see the crap in the back of my mouth...that's always a good thing to see when you first wake up, on top of feeling it back there too. my [newish] allergies could be worse. the rain helped today. i'm in some amount of mental anguish and thus it is becoming physical. i need to eat better, but eating at the club makes it hard. blegh, there are too many things i need to do.

i don't want to think about it anymore.

two down, five to go

lara and i decided to bag the golf for this afternoon. i could feel the weather starting to change while i was at work this morning, and i am not too keen on playing golf in the rain (or hail). we'll play next week when the weather gets warm again.

pay day is always nice. my check was almost double what it was last pay period (both before taxes), so i'm definitely happy about that. they're going to be upset when they realize they're probably going to owe me overtime next paycheck because instead of having tomorrow off, i'm now working thus making it seven consecutive days starting yesterday. we'll see what they say if they find out. blegh.

they also have a staff meeting tonight, so perhaps something will be decided about me. i'm not holding my breath though. the day i quit is rapidly approaching unless they figure their shit out pretty quick.

happy birthday, daddy. i'm looking forward to celebrating tonight. i hope he liked my present.

time to relax a little now.

a great movie.

cinderella man.

up there with million dollar baby, and it even had a good ending.

absolutely amazing.

day off.

yes, i have today off. it feels like the first day off in a long time even though i had friday off. i've worked more than three consecutive days already this summer, but these last three seemed to last forever. saturday it poured all morning, but the shotgun (well, some of the shotgun) went out and played anyway. it was a pain in the ass and it felt like it would never stop raining. they decided to cancel the first round of the pine cooler that was supposed to go off at 1, so we got everything closed up. will, steven, and i went to eat before we left, while the pros all went out to play a round in the rain. it finally stopped raining at 1:30 and turned into a beautiful afternoon even though the forecast had called for no rain in the morning and lots of thunderstorms in the afternoon...way to go forecasters! the format of the pine cooler was changed on sunday since the first round was cancelled. a better ball shotgun at 9am and then a shoot out for the top two teams from every flight (of 10 flights) was at 2:30. i had to stay late to wait for matt press to show up (as usual) and then as i was about to leave, bailey asked me to be spotter for his side of the shootout. basically, i got to drive out in front of play and make sure everyone could find their ball. i did that for the first few holes, but evetually there were so many people watching the shootout that i wasn't doing anything. so then i just started driving around and then when jessica ("the beer babe" as all those sick members call her) came out, i drove around with her watching and drinking gatorade from the cart. it was pretty sweet to get paid for watching golf and drinking free gatorade and eating free snickers. i finally left right around 5, so i worked 5:45am-5pm. i came home and slept because we opened at 5 yesterday. yesterday was pretty chaotic. somehow i ended up getting out of doing some of the stressful stuff because i had to drive out with jeff to take the car and signs out on the course before the first shotgun. between the first and second shotguns, i had to go pick up the proxies and signs from the first and put out the proxies for the second, which kept me occupied for awhile. james freaked out at me, but ben was on my side, so it was ok. i showed the new girl, catherine, around while the second shotgun was out. we ate, got lots of slushies, bugged the guys playing the 9 hole, talked to ben, jeff, and bob, talked to jessica, and pretty much just drove around the course. she's pretty cool. a little quiet, but i know i didn't say much on my first and second days last year. my schedule for the rest of the week is 12-close wednesday on men's guest day, open on thursday, open saturday, and close sunday.
there are a lot of thoughts chasing each other around my head right now. i can't really separate one from the other either. i had some crazy dreams last night. i'm not sure if it was something i ate or if i was just exhausted or something. one of them was really good, but entirely illogical. another was scary as hell, but i couldn't wake myself up from it. it just kept going and going. each dream shows one end of the spectrum of my thoughts right now. everything else seems to be in the middle of these two things, with some clear thoughts coming to me on each one and muddling the rest in the blurry middle. but at the same time, each one on the end is blurry in its own way. a way much more complex and aggravating than all the other crap.
i have come to realize how much of a loser i really am. my days and nights revolve around work. when i'm not working, i'm bored off my ass and seem to not get anything productive done. i miss being at work when i'm not there. i miss working with the people i like, talking to the members, doing something that in some way actually matterws, but most of all, i miss talking and hanging out with the guys in the pro shop. they are all really great guys. i am still upset that i wasn't able to say goodbye to clarke. he was doing pine cooler stuff when i left on sunday and then when i called to say bye to him later, he was already off for the night. apparently there's supposed to be some bbq, but i'm not so sure. i guess we'll see. i am starting to like bob so much more than i used to. he can be really nice and relatively funny. he did freak out on me yesterday, but he calmed down later. ben and jack are still my favorites out of all of them. jeff is up there too. i think lara and i are going to play golf together at some point...that will be fun. yes, i am a loser. i don't want to talk about it anymore.
today i think i am going to go lay out at the pool. i need some color on everything besides what shows at work, which is pretty much just my forearms and sometimes my legs, but rarely. other than that, i have absolutely no idea. katie and i are going to try to go see cinderella man tonight. we'll see if it works out.

stop making me feel bad for wanting to talk to you

why is it so hard? am i that much of a burden? forgive me for wanting to talk to you.

thank you for making something that was supposed to make me feel better into something that pissed me off.

i'm getting closer and closer. i don't know what i am supposed to do.

i don't even know if you care anymore. at this point, it almost seems like it doesn't matter.

i just want to matter.

i can't deal with this

strange goodbyes

this last week has felt like much more than just seven days. proof: i thought it had been two weeks already. i went down to pinehurst to get my check that won't be there until next thursday. way to go, meg.

i've been alone a lot. my family has been gone since monday. i worked monday. by myself monday night. didn't do much tuesday. went frisbee golfing with the guys then everyone came over to my house that night. worked wednesday. alone wednesday night. worked thursday. brian and kevin came last night. now i am alone yet again. jay gets home tonight and my parents tomorrow. i open saturday, sunday, and monday. tuesday i'm off, then i work wednesday, thursday, and friday.
i hadn't written in my journal since monday, so that was something i really needed to do today. other than that, i've started re-reading the harry potter books so that i will be ready when book 6 (the half-blood prince) comes out on july 16th.

it has been thundering for a long time. it is pouring right now and the lightning has been amazing with powerful thunder that woke me up from my nap. i love the rain. i am glad i'm not at work though and i hope it doesn't do this tomorrow when i'm there. that would be very bad with the pine cooler starting tomorrow afternoon....eek.

brian and kevin are currently on the outskirts of salt lake city, ut on their way to elko, nv for the night. they are goofy, but are enjoying the road trip life even though this is only the second day of their twelve day journey. they are taping along the way and i will be interested to see the video when i go out there in a couple weeks. i am convinced they are going to come back emaciated by the crap food they are eating and will eat while this continues. they are forcing themselves to eat for less than $5 a meal (something that is nearly impossible unless it is small amounts of mcdonalds or some other form of unhealthy fast food). i am worried about that a lot, especially since they'll just be driving most of the time. there isn't much i can do to change it though. they'll be ok, but i am still worried.

i am really tired today. the last few weeks are catching up to me, as well as the drinking from this week. we are opening at the club at 5:45 nowadays, which means that i wake up sometime between 4:30 and 4:45 in order to shower, eat breakfast, and properly wake up before i have to leave.

i am lonely. this week was the first time i saw friends for more than just a couple hours. i had a blast, but i don't think it is something i will keep up at all. perhaps just a few times this summer. i am content in my solitude...most of the time. human drama is inevitable, and i think going back to the high school days subjects me to that drama more often than i would like. my life is currently revolving around work. i'll comment more on that later.

77 hours, 18 hours, 55 minutes, 22 seconds