almost halfway

in a few ways.

it rained a lot today. work was crappy. three different rain/lightning delays all before 1. it was nice not having to do anything, but sitting around with relatively no one to talk to sucks. those days are only worth it if there are people (usually pro shop people) to talk to/hang out with. today, that didn't happen. matt was around (as was bob hayward), so it was a scramble just to look like we were doing something when really there was nothing to do. i'm tired of this game with ben and pinehurst in general. i feel like i'm starting to piss ben off, but i've been screwed over on numerous occassions for the last three weeks, so i don't feel too bad about it. i think i've paid my dues and have a right to push for this. but, argh. i really am getting tired of the fight and i'm not sure how much longer i can last. i open tomorrow with an "all star crew" as we tend to call it. actually, i'm being judgemental...i don't know this andrew kid and maybe molly will be better than before. either way, it will suck.

katie and i are going to see house of wax tonight. i don't know what has happened to my standards...she is desperate to get out of her house though. i'm not going to argue even though it does look like a horrible movie because hanging out around here tonight does not appeal to me. we'll see how it goes.

there are far too many things i wish i could say and do to even attempt to list them all off. one sticks out in my mind. constantly. in the past, i often had the "it will never happen" attitude toward something, but so many times, it did happen. this time, i'm quite certain it really will never happen. i can barely even recognize it, let alone anyone else. perhaps a few, but not anyone that can do anything about it. not even me. it really is just something i can't have. this realization is hard to deal with. it makes it really hard to want to be around here for another seventy-odd days, but i don't have a choice.

i think i've made a decision to come back to denver next summer instead of staying in omaha. i don't want to rush through things, especially not college. sure, i need to get done in four years if i can, but i'm not going to make my life miserable in order for that to happen. if bob and matt really are going to give me a position in the pro shop next summer, i will definitely come back home to do that. granted, i won't be able to make that decision with any certainty for awhile, but that's what i want to do. this is definitely one of those things i cannot worry about. it will just have to happen, and then i'll deal with it.

i'm starting to get sick. my throat really hurts and has since i got up this morning at 4:30. i could see the crap in the back of my mouth...that's always a good thing to see when you first wake up, on top of feeling it back there too. my [newish] allergies could be worse. the rain helped today. i'm in some amount of mental anguish and thus it is becoming physical. i need to eat better, but eating at the club makes it hard. blegh, there are too many things i need to do.

i don't want to think about it anymore.