where the clouds are far behind me...

it has been a weird couple of days...

yesterday i opened at 5:45 and was planning on splitting the shift with bryan because i was still not sure if lara and i were going to make it to the open. he showed up at 10, but lara hadn't called yet and there were only two people working since there was no sub for kellen, so i was just going to say. lara called about fifteen minutes after bryan got there, so i ran down to my car, grabbed my clothes, changed, clocked out, and headed to meet lara. after about an hour of driving around, we found a lot that we were allowed to park in at the tech center and got on the shuttle headed for cherry hills. we picked up our tickets and will call and spent about four hours walking around watching golf, drinking beer, and getting sunburnt. it was a very enjoyable day. lara and i are similar in odd ways, but we get along well. and we always have lots to talk about, even if it is only complaining about the guys (specifically jeff, jack, and ben) being assholes, in their own ways, to us daily. the highlight of the day for me was seeing michelle wie, who started the day tied for first place at +1 and ended +9, say "fuck this bullshit" to her caddy before she teed off number twelve. it was awesome. although, i felt kinda bad for her because she was playing so badly, but still had hundreds of people following her around (she had more of a crowd than the leaders did).

we got back to lara's car at the parking lot before the ominous black cloud hit, but it was an interesting drive back. i spent the night last night nursing my horribly sunburnt shoulders falling asleep to a movie. enjoyable in its simplicity. i got about nine hours of sleep (a lot for me) last night and was ok with not having to be at work until 8:30.

ben called me to tell me he was going to be late...luckily paul and bob were already there. ben will soon realize that he probably shouldn't have called me on his cell phone because now i have the number, thus enabling me to drunk dial his cell phone whenever i please....hehe. i'm kidding. sort of. i enjoy talking to ben, even if i don't remember anything i said.

the tournament today, the cadillac invitational, took far too long to set up, but me, steven, and kyle had a blast doing it. i was in rare form in terms of the mood i was in. everything was hilarious to me. even kyle driving a golf cart over my foot and stopping the cart on it. i was laughing so much, as well as being in pain, that i couldn't even tell him that the cart was on my foot. all i could do was hit him to make him move. it was a lot of fun...and i got paid for it. i'm scared that i'm going to get overtime from taking those four-ish hours yesterday because [other] ben couldn't find anyone to sub for him and i'm just too nice (and have no life). i hope i don't get ben in trouble...

paul, steven, and i went out on the nine hole course while the tournament was out. jeff found us and played the last five holes with us. well, he showed us all up. it was a lot of fun even though i was horribly embarassed. i had an awesome 30 foot putt for par on number five that i am quite proud of. (the only par i had all day...oh yea.) there is much more that could be said about all that, but eh.

the shotgun came back in around six-ish and took far too long to get everything done. my screwing around with ben and paul probably didn't help, but oh well because we were having fun and the job eventually got done. besides, i'm not opening tomorrow, so james can deal with it, which he said he would do.

when we were walking out, paul, ben, and i had a really good (albeit short) conversation. horribly depressing because it was about ben and his soon to be ex-wife. ben has an amazing outlook about the whole thing even though he got screwed over hardcore. i really wish i could be as strong a person as he is, while at the same time not really blaming anyone for what happened. his response, "i have two beautiful babies." wow. he is just an amazing man. i really respect him, even though he and the other shop guys love to gang up on me everyday. heh. working at pinehurst has given me some of my fondest memories of the past two years. maybe that is the reason why it is so hard for me to leave and to not be there.

i have a list of things to get done tomorrow before i go into work at 1. hopefully i can get at least a few of them done and be able to call it a relatively productive day.

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i got an unexpected message on my phone today while i was at work. i had felt it too, but had not expected anyone else to feel it. soon...i hope.

i accidentally opened chess tonight and it made me think of you. i haven't played or even opened it since i left omaha. those are the moments in life that really catch me offguard...when something so simple means so much, but only to you for that one reason. which then reminds me of armageddon..."do you think anyone else is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?" that question always gets to me. i can't figure out an answer. i can't even figure out if any answer would be good or bad or even anything at all.

i've done and said a lot of things in the last couple weeks that i really regret. i could start a list, but i don't know if it would ever end. there are a few that stick out in my mind, but i have no way to rationalize 'getting over' them.

i need to ease up a little bit. i need to stop getting so offended by the things people say. but when i think about trying not to hold people to what they say, i get really upset because if i cannot hold them to their words, what the hell can i hold them to? actions are oftentimes false. if words are too, what is left? there doesn't seem to be a third possibility unless you are able to get onto that next level with a person, but that connection seems so limited and doomed to being finite that trying to attain it is futile.

i feel so alone lately, yet at least half of it is me alienating myself. i don't call people back (with the exception of a few) because i don't feel like trying to get to that connection that aludes us all and i certainly don't want to deal with false words and actions. i know myself to be true, to an extent, and i am somewhat content with my solitude just to ease the pain and take the path of least resistance. is dealing with all that really worth the few seconds of joy you may share with a person? and then there's the question of if that joy or happiness is even real. can it ever be real? what is real happiness? does it exist anywhere in what i know to be existence? perhaps happiness only comes from a connection that is impossible...we're all doomed, or so it seems at least.

there are some people i wish i could spend infinite amounts of time with, but they are so far away from me in either geography or some other thing that i cannot decipher. it is highly upsetting to me that jeff claimed that he wasn't going to come hang out with me because he didn't want to be around a bunch of eighteen year olds or something like that. that kind of fickle crap really bothers me. it also makes me think a lot differently about him. why are there always so many constraints on human relationships. they are assuredly created by each person or society as a whole. these are the times when i want to grasp on to those beliefs i used to hold so strongly. rebellion and all that. but what does that accomplish? an attitude from society that i don't want to deal with. is it apathy or cowardice? a little of both, i fear.

i wish i could be a different person than i am right now. i wish i could change as easily as other people seem to. i wish there was no death, war, hunger, disease, poverty...no pain such as those things. pain is inevitable and perhaps makes us stronger, but pain like that is not always inevitable, nor does it make a person stronger. i wish morgan hadn't died. i wish my deal with "god" had worked out like it seems to for so many other people. i do wish it had been me and not her. and not carrie or troy. not colleen. not any of them. tears aren't enough. nothing is.

i am alone. now and until this life, whatever it may be, ends.