nineteen years and one day

despite the apathy i held towards my birthday all last week, yesterday turned out to be quite an enjoyable day...

jay brought me jamba juice in the morning while i watched a movie. then we went to the mall and out to lunch at tokyo joe's. we had fun and were able to not argue for pretty much the entire day (quite an accomplishment!). after lunch, i drove out to highlands ranch to meet katie, tarah, and one of the girls katie watches to see must love dogs. a decent movie. it was especially good because i thoroughly enjoy john cusack. after the movie, i came home to shower before dinner at macaroni grill with the family. dinner was pretty fun. i hadn't seen brian for quite a long time and i'm glad i got to see him before he left to take john out to pittsburgh. i am quite sad that i didn't get to see john before he left though. i fear that will end up being one of my biggest regrets this summer.

after dinner, cake, and presents, katie and i went back to my house because the guys were still out playing golf. i got ahold of paul and he told me to meet them at pinehurst. katie decided she was going to go enjoy sex and the city. despite my sadness at her leaving, it was probably a good idea for her sake considering the burst appendix and all. i grabbed my stuff and drove over to pinehurst. paul came and met me in the parking lot and for a few minutes i was convinced that it was going to be a horrible night because paul told me ben had to go pick up a friend downtown and jeff was going to hang out with lara. i called ben because he was inside drinking with paul rakowski and jeff. he came out and gave me a big hug and brought me inside to hang out with them. rak bought us all drinks during the four hours we were there. alyssa showed up around 11 and hung out with us. we had a really good time sitting around talking. sean kicked us out a bit before 1 am. paul left because he had to open in the morning and rak rode his bicycle home (one of the best moments of the night was seeing him ride off down the hill on his bike with the headlights). ben, jeff, alyssa, and i hung around in the parking lot trying to figure out where we could get hooked up. we decided to make a trip over to the hoffbrau (a close-by bar where lots of members hang out) to see if we knew anyone there who could help us out. there were only a few people there, including one member and sean and his girlfriend. we had a drink and then left because alyssa had to be home at 1:30 even though we didn't get her back to her car at pinehurst until at least a quarter til 2...oops. ben, jeff, and i called lara and then headed over to her place to meet her and her three friends, one of whom was also celebrating her birthday yesterday. lucky for us, lara's brother josh who is a waiter at pinehurst was able to help us out. we sat around talking, hanging out, and watching mtv until 3:30-4 am when lara, claire, and jeff all passed out in lara's bed. ben and i ended up sharing the couch downstairs, where we just layed around talking until sometime after 5. we finally fell asleep and despite the challenge of us both fitting on the couch, we figured it out with each of us on one end cuddling with the other's feet. it was an interesting night full of immense hot and cold spells, people walking around, drinking water out of a bowl, and trying not to knock the other person off the couch. we woke up around 9ish when the heat became too unbearable for me to deal with and ended up lying around waiting and hoping for jeff to wake up upstairs so we could leave. i finally had to go wake him up at 9:30, which was an adventure in and of itself. we drove josh to his car which was downtown and then we headed back to pinehurst so i could pick up my car. ben and jeff dropped me off and then left to take jeff to his house because both of them had to close tonight.

i drove home and fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. i woke up around noon, found some food, and then came down to my room to take a nap until 4ish. i went back upstairs, watched some tv, made my dinner, and relaxed. i read some out on the front porch for awhile and then called and talked to alyssa once she got off work to tell her all the happened after she left last night. i also had to tell her the good news that i switched shifts with bryan and am now closing with her tomorrow night...yay. and now i will go brush my teeth and do something to pass the time until i fall asleep yet again.

how's it going to be?

a great fog has descended upon denver and has enveloped me within it. despite what should be a pretty decent week, i really have no desire to see or talk much to anyone.

i close the next three days and then i have friday-sunday off and after that i don't know when i work since we don't have our august schedule yet. the coming of august is scary to me. it isn't that i'm not looking forward to getting back to school, but i certainly am not looking forward to leave behind all the fun i've had this summer. it all seems to have gone by so quickly.

i'm not excited for much right now, least of all, my birthday. the last year of being a teenager? eh. whatever.

enough of all this.

unloved and exhausted

the last six days have been quite tiring, yet they have been some of the most fun of the summer. pine daze was a blast even though i worked eleven hours a day five days straight. it is a big party for all the members...basically a chance to get drunk for four days. well, we took that opportunity as well. wednesday night me and alyssa hung out with ben, jack, paul, and cory for quite awhile playing night golf at pinehurst with glow sticks and glow balls. it was a blast. thursday night we had a bbq at ben's house which led to paul leaving at 4am because he had to open and jeff and i sleeping in ben's basement. also quite a fun night. friday was jeff's birthday so the boys took him out to platte canyon bar/grill. saturday night was the last night of pine daze so all the pro shop guys went to the dinner and got smashed and then we went and hung out on number three. sunday night paul and i closed at work, then we ate at old chicago (yum!) and went to see willy wonka. i fell asleep for part of it, but the parts i remember were fun. the oompa loompas were disappointing, but oh well. i took the night off yesterday after opening and then playing in the second tournament because we had to fill teams since three people didn't show up. paul, jeff, and i all had to play on different teams. i think jeff's team was tied for second, mine was somewhere around fifth place, and paul's was close to last. it was fun. i played pretty well and won the longest putt made contest on 18, but couldn't put my name down being an employee, so i put my partner's name down. it has been a really fun week despite having fallen off the face of the planet and seeing only pinehurst members and employees.

i have today off, i close tomorrrow, and then i have thursday and friday off before i work another six consecutive days before my birthday. we're going to try to get ben to throw a big birthday bash here pretty soon for all the july and august birthdays in the bagroom/pro shop: jeff's birthday was last friday, alyssa's birthday is this friday, mine is next, molly's is two days after mine, and ben's is august 23rd. saturday will hopefully be a trip out to a pig roast with ben and jeff to see alyssa. we'll see.

now, i'm going to go try to spend at least part of my day off relaxing and getting started on harry potter before i have to go help some friends move.

cheers.

position waiting to be filled

two days off in a row before the six days in a row that i work until next tuesday. tomorrow is the start of pine daze with two shotgun practice rounds and the big opening dinner deal. thursday and friday are the regular rounds of golf with four 9-hole round shotguns each day with the championship shootouts on saturday. it will be an incredibly busy four days with a lot of chaos and much stress and pressure to make sure everything goes perfect. if we can make it through with no major incidents, i will be very happy. pine daze is pretty much the peak of the season for us and if it goes well, we will all be rewarded. we're going to have to work our butts off to "showcase the club and staff." woohoo. can't wait.

yesterday was a day of a lot of golf. paul, scott, and i drove up to play the 18 at evergreen. paul and i were not impressed with the course whatsoever due to our spoiled home at pinehurst. we're just not used to crappy greens, swampy fairways, and (excuse my language) white trash golfers. it took us three and a half hours+ to play an executive course due to all the bad, slow players in front of us. we had a good time, but we went back to pinehurst to play the pflueger because we weren't satisfied. we grabbed carts, found the beer girls and stocked up, and headed out on the nine hole. scott started to freak out a little bit and was getting on my nerves, so i got a little pissed off. i was playing decent, but not great. alyssa came back to work a little early and came out and found us on the course and watched a couple holes, plus making a hole in one on number 7. bob wouldn't let ben come out and play with us, so i was a little sad, but oh well. we finished, but i wanted to play another nine with paul, so we got rid of scott when we were about to go out again when we remembered that we needed to do some actual work before we could go play. we finally went back out, me with a new taylor made R5 driver to try out after some coaching from ben trying to improve my swing. i played a lot better, dropping five strokes from the previous round down to a 45. after that, i drove paul home then headed to the store to get some dinner and ice for the keg. it was a long night last night and i am still trying to forget it. regardless, i've realized that despite all the things brian and i have been through in the last few months, we are still able to be there for each other as he was there for me last night when i needed him. i am now incredibly excited to see him on saturday and am a little disappointed that it will be a short visit, but i will try to make it worth all i can.

today has truly been a day off for me. i woke up after nine and took care of some things i've been needing to get done for a few days. i got some breakfast, watched a couple episodes of that 70's show, and fell asleep on the couch until about 2. i woke up, put a pizza in the oven, and did the dishes. while i was eating, i read about a hundred pages of harry potter and only have another 20 pages to go in book 4, which i plan on finishing after i'm done down here. then i'll get started on the 870 page book 5, which i have less than five days to finish. hmm. we'll see if i can do it. i'm not sure i'll be able to decide to not start the new one until i finish number 5 because i'm really excited for the sixth. i guess i'll just have to finish it before saturday. i don't really have much to do tonight. i may have to go into work to figure out what we're going to do with our 26 extra carts that are supposed to have shown up today. i'm not quite sure who is closing tonight, so i'm somewhat worried about letting them deal with it on their own. although, there is a pro shop staff meeting tonight, so if ben shows up, he should be able to sort it out for them. my schedule is all screwed up so i might have to go in anyway...or i could just wait until i go into work tomorrow at 1. we'll see. either way, i will probably take a shower here pretty soon, read some more, and hang out.

"pinehurst whore"

spaghettios

it has been a crazy couple of days since i left home for the staff meeting. alyssa and i hung around after the meeting to talk to ben about him passing his test to get into the pga pro program (a big deal) and to plan our celebration for him later that night after he got off work. after a few hours (bob took ben to old chicago and met jeff there), ben and jeff met alyssa and i and we headed to the store and then to jeff's house. alyssa finally left at 1:30ish after getting lost on the way out of the neighborhood. both ben and i had to open thursday morning, but stayed at jeff's until around 3:30am. i was supposed to be in at 5 and ben at 6. i got home at 3:50-something, set my alarm for 4:30, and passed out. i work up at 5:22, realized i was late and had slept through my alarm, jumped out of bed, threw on my uniform, and sped off to work. i was a little late (but still technically on time) and still incapacitated, but we got through ladies' guest day just fine. after work, i went home and fell asleep on the couch sort of watching that 70's show whenever i woke up for a little bit from 2-9pm. i got off the couch, found some food, talked to a few people, read some, and went to bed because i had to open again yesterday.

friday was a hectic day in general. it was slow all morning, so i detailed some carts (for pine daze next week) instead of just sitting around. and steven and i sort of cleaned up the bag room some more. the morning was fine. it didn't get hectic until the closers were supposed to show up. joey had his second no call, no show in a row and thus is now not employed by pinehurst anymore, but he doesn't know yet because i only got to talk to ben long enough for him to tell me to take joey off the schedule. i couldn't find anyone to come in until 4, so i ended up staying until close to 3:30 because of all the things that had to get done to get the couples' twilite shotgun off. i finally left work and came home. not five minutes after i got here did my mom call to tell me i needed to do a bunch of things for her before she got home with sandy and jeremy (family from west virginia that my parents are now in yellowstone with). i also had to do all this before i had to leave to go pick up andrew and grace. at 4:30, i left to go pick them up and came back home. i stayed with them here until jay got home from work, then i changed and headed back to pinehurst to play golf with jack and paul. jack played seven holes and paul and i played eight before it got too dark to see the ball. we waited for the closers to finish, which took way too long, and then we headed to the liquor store with jack. paul and i then went to wendy's, his house so he could change, king soopers for cranberry juice, back to pinehurst to get my car, my brother's house to switch the camry for his bug, and finally to my house. we put our stuff in the fridge and started watching speed. i, of course, fell asleep something like half an hour into the movie. oops. paul woke me up before he left at 12:30 since he had to open this morning.

jay woke me up this morning at 8 because he was leaving for work and andrew and grace were upstais eating breakfast. after a small crisis with car keys, i was able to sit down and eat breakfast. i put a movie in for the kids and got in the shower. now, i am waiting to buy dave tickets online because the warehouse screwed me over. blegh. don't get me started. after i order the tickets [knock on wood], i'm taking andrew and grace back home. then i can relax for a few minutes once i get back here before i have to be at work at 1. i'm going to be in trouble this next pay period because of my 10 hour day yesterday that will most likely put me into overtime. oh well. i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. stupid pinehurst crap.

now i must buy my tickets.

a few lists

recent music...a return to some classic stuff:
huey lewis and the news
queen
billy joel
the beach boys
the doors
chicago
crosby, stills, nash, & young

recent movies/collections:
that 70's show - season 1
that 70's show - season 2
blow
dodgeball
center stage
mulan
the pacifier
harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban

recent readings:
harry potter 1-4
my quest continues and i hope to finish number 5 in time for the sixth book to come out on july 16th.

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a post to take up a few minutes before i have to leave for the staff meeting at work. that is all.

a day off? nope...

after an incredibly busy day like yesterday, one would hope to have a day off to recover...i did have that until i was woken up by the groovy blue ring on my phone and joey asking me to cover for him tonight. since i had been planning on closing today up until alyssa showed up at work yesterday telling me she didn't need me to cover for her, i told him that was fine. which it is, because it probably would have been just like the rest of my days off...sitting around reading, watching movies, laying at the pool. ultimately relaxing, but also quite unproductive. either way, i have tomorrow off (with the exception of the staff meeting at 7:30), so i'll do all those things, plus meeting katie and the girls at some point.

yesterday was as busy as we had expected, but went off pretty well. we didn't have any huge crises. the only small event i can remember is when two boys (nonmembers) attempted to steal a cart. heh. i wish i had been there to see it because apparently bob (who is my size) hurdled over the fence between the putting green and 18 green and chased them down. he was going crazy when i got back from taking the laundry and insisted on locking every single door while we went to watch the fireworks. it was pretty funny.

some good things happened yesterday though. ben hung out with us pretty much all afternoon in the bag room because he had to check carts in and out (a stupid plan of bob's). the girls in the snack bar let me make my own slushies and pretty much ransack whatever food they had left. it was very cool, but i think i got a little overzealous with the flavoring in my slushy. i got two hugs from a very unexpected person. jack olson brought us all cocktails, but i didn't get to finish mine because i left it in the bag room when we left last night. i got to shuttle people in the limo though a neighborhood to the parking lot that was a few blocks away. i almost hit an explorer with the limo...heh. it was a good day. and i got paid for watching kickass fireworks.

it is too bad i am doomed to watch fireworks by myself for the rest of my life.

the calm before the....really busy day

so, after having spent three hours freaking out about getting that kid's shit covered for this morning with jake and i, we had as slow a morning as is possible on a sunday the day before the 4th of july. i got to hang out in the pro shop with jack and jeff pretty much until 10ish. i feel like such an idiot sometimes because of how much i laugh when i am around those guys...they're just hilarious though. it got kinda busy around noon, but mainly only because this guy came in with a bunch of his family taking up three tee times and six carts all within the span of about 20 minutes (quite a bit of money too...80 bucks for 18 holes of golf per guest, plus 14 bucks per golf cart). either way, jake and i got out of there on time and with close to 20 a piece in tips...so, a decent day.

now, i plan on spending the afternoon relaxing in my cool basement reading harry potter. as brenden put it...."preparing for tomorrow by relaxing today" because tomorrow is going to be insane for everyone. despite the insanity, i am looking forward to it.

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i said and did some very stupid things today already...i wish i could take them back, but really, what would the point be because i will inevitably just say and do more stupid things later today, tomorrow, and forever. a curse.

steph....remember what we talked about the other day...making sure that certain people know things. well, jack straight up asked me today and i told him (and jeff) what happened, so now they know. that's gotta be a good thing. it just has to be.

he's either doing it on purpose for one of two reasons (one very good and one very bad), or he has no idea and is entirely oblivious to the fact that he is driving me insane and has been since i got back to denver. either way, i know what i believe.

chasing the ghost of a good thing

july is upon us. yesterday was spent catching up on some sleep. i woke up on my own at about 10:30 after having gotten back from paul's house around 1:30am. i was able to stay away from pinehurst for the entire day, which, frankly, is a great accomplishment for me. i read some throughout the day, as well as watched some episodes of that 70's show. i had dinner with my parents before they left for breckenridge for the weekend, took a shower, and waited for katie to come over. katie and i then headed over to paul's house. the crowd included the usual people, but also some unusual people, including...claire (haven't seen her since probably june of last summer), elisa, mallory, kelsey, bryan mccutcheon, and shane. it was a lot of fun. definitely brought back some very old memories...even all the way back to notre dame after having talked to bryan for awhile. katie and i decided we needed to leave at 1 since she had to work this morning and i had to open.

work was alright. it went as well as can be hoped for on one of these days. the setup for double shotguns just does not allow for any sort of organization and today was as bad as i have ever seen it. we did pretty well in tips and all of the closers showed up about on-time. it was everything else about "work" that stressed me out today. this kid named brian who was scheduled to work this afternoon (at 1) and tomorrow morning called in at about 11 this morning to inform ben that he was quitting. he seriously screwed us over. by the time ben told me he had quit and that i neeeded to find someone to cover the closing shift, it was already noon, so i had less than an hour to get a sub. luckily jake was able to do it and that was taken care of quickly and easily. the opening shift tomorrow was not as lucky. after i got home from work around 1:45, i spent over an hour and a half calling everyone who works to see if they could cover tomorrow. i wasn't able to get ahold of nearly half of them, so it was quite aggravating. i decided to take a break to calm down a little bit and ended up falling asleep on the couch (who can blame me....i got 3 hours of sleep last night). i woke up a little after 4 and headed over to pinehurst to see what i could work out. after spending another hour and a half calling people and trying to switch things around, i was forced to be content with being a person short tomorrow morning (it will just be jake and i) until 10am when tyler is supposed to come in. ben is also supposed to be coming in early to give us a hand, but we'll see if that happens.

paul realized how stressed out i was and promised to come over tonight and hang out. james, the other 'supervisor', wasn't doing anything to help the situation, as usual. ugh, he pisses me off.

i am now waiting for katie, who has been taking a shower for over an hour, to call me back or show up over here so we can go get some dinner and go to a movie....and who knows what else.

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my unrequited crush(es) have remained just that thus far and i am beginning to think that they will always be so. this is hard for me to come to grips with because i know i have not done everything i could do, but i also know that doing everything would jeopardize so much and i don't think that would be worth it for anyone. in the last few years, it has always seemed that nearly everyone i liked but thought was impossible for me to get any closer to, i have ended up being able to get close to. that is definitely one of the reasons not getting what i want despite seeming impossible is so hard for me now. i will still hold on to that tiny shred of hope that perhaps one day something will change even though with every day that passes, it all becomes more and more impossible. i think that maybe being denied these things will help me learn a valuable lesson though. i tend to take things for granted and then am horribly disappointed and hurt when i lose whatever it may be. [i only use possessive terms for simplicity of linguistics.] despite the lesson i could possibly learn, i still do not enjoy any of this at all. it hurts inside whenever i see them, whether in person or in a picture...just the mere thought of them does the same. complete and total anguish.