chasing the ghost of a good thing

july is upon us. yesterday was spent catching up on some sleep. i woke up on my own at about 10:30 after having gotten back from paul's house around 1:30am. i was able to stay away from pinehurst for the entire day, which, frankly, is a great accomplishment for me. i read some throughout the day, as well as watched some episodes of that 70's show. i had dinner with my parents before they left for breckenridge for the weekend, took a shower, and waited for katie to come over. katie and i then headed over to paul's house. the crowd included the usual people, but also some unusual people, including...claire (haven't seen her since probably june of last summer), elisa, mallory, kelsey, bryan mccutcheon, and shane. it was a lot of fun. definitely brought back some very old memories...even all the way back to notre dame after having talked to bryan for awhile. katie and i decided we needed to leave at 1 since she had to work this morning and i had to open.

work was alright. it went as well as can be hoped for on one of these days. the setup for double shotguns just does not allow for any sort of organization and today was as bad as i have ever seen it. we did pretty well in tips and all of the closers showed up about on-time. it was everything else about "work" that stressed me out today. this kid named brian who was scheduled to work this afternoon (at 1) and tomorrow morning called in at about 11 this morning to inform ben that he was quitting. he seriously screwed us over. by the time ben told me he had quit and that i neeeded to find someone to cover the closing shift, it was already noon, so i had less than an hour to get a sub. luckily jake was able to do it and that was taken care of quickly and easily. the opening shift tomorrow was not as lucky. after i got home from work around 1:45, i spent over an hour and a half calling everyone who works to see if they could cover tomorrow. i wasn't able to get ahold of nearly half of them, so it was quite aggravating. i decided to take a break to calm down a little bit and ended up falling asleep on the couch (who can blame me....i got 3 hours of sleep last night). i woke up a little after 4 and headed over to pinehurst to see what i could work out. after spending another hour and a half calling people and trying to switch things around, i was forced to be content with being a person short tomorrow morning (it will just be jake and i) until 10am when tyler is supposed to come in. ben is also supposed to be coming in early to give us a hand, but we'll see if that happens.

paul realized how stressed out i was and promised to come over tonight and hang out. james, the other 'supervisor', wasn't doing anything to help the situation, as usual. ugh, he pisses me off.

i am now waiting for katie, who has been taking a shower for over an hour, to call me back or show up over here so we can go get some dinner and go to a movie....and who knows what else.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

my unrequited crush(es) have remained just that thus far and i am beginning to think that they will always be so. this is hard for me to come to grips with because i know i have not done everything i could do, but i also know that doing everything would jeopardize so much and i don't think that would be worth it for anyone. in the last few years, it has always seemed that nearly everyone i liked but thought was impossible for me to get any closer to, i have ended up being able to get close to. that is definitely one of the reasons not getting what i want despite seeming impossible is so hard for me now. i will still hold on to that tiny shred of hope that perhaps one day something will change even though with every day that passes, it all becomes more and more impossible. i think that maybe being denied these things will help me learn a valuable lesson though. i tend to take things for granted and then am horribly disappointed and hurt when i lose whatever it may be. [i only use possessive terms for simplicity of linguistics.] despite the lesson i could possibly learn, i still do not enjoy any of this at all. it hurts inside whenever i see them, whether in person or in a picture...just the mere thought of them does the same. complete and total anguish.