i don't want to be anywhere

i was ready to get out of denver until late yesterday afternoon when i realized that part of what i was looking for had just been delayed a little bit.

the week ended badly with paul. he pretty much blew me off on friday night, which was even worse because i had told my grandma i couldn't go to the symphony with her because i had plans with paul. i wasn't lying...i thought paul and i did have plans, but he apparently didn't think too highly of them.

the golf part of the week ended horribly as well. lara and i were supposed to play in the mission impossible tournament on saturday morning, but when we got there, they had given our spot away to someone else. we warmed up and decided to play the nine hole instead, which was fine. but, after number two, lara decided she was too hungover to play anymore, so we went and found the guys on number four and said goodbye. (ben had an awesome drive and putt with bob's approach shot in the middle to grab the eagle.) i dropped lara off at her house and went back home to take care of my laundry and some packing. i stopped by target on my way down to pinehurst to negotiate a price for the ping irons with bob-o. i think i got there at about 4:30 or so and i bought the clubs (for way too much, especially since i won't get to use them until thanksgiving break at the earliest, if i'm lucky). bob left and ben was closing alone, so i figured i would hang around for a little bit to keep him company since i hadn't seen him all week. i figured i would leave by 6 to go finish packing and all that, but i checked while i was there and the train was already three hours late. i stayed to help ben close up the shop and then we went out and had one of our typical talks after relaxing a little bit. it felt just like this summer again.

talking to him was exactly what i needed. he's a great guy and he really knows what to say me when i'm feeling crappy like i have been. i wish i could remember everything he said to me...oops. at about eight, he had to go pick up julian and nicky and i had to go finish packing and head off to the train station, so he gave me a hug and we left. finally, something had gone right in the course of nine days. those few hours with ben at a place where i feel like i belong were enough to make me not want to leave again. there are times when i think that i could drop out of school and try to get into the pro program (although, i'm not nearly good enough at golf) and work at a golf course the rest of my life and be entirely happy.

the train didn't end up leaving until after midnight. i spent about an hour and a half in the train station with a guy i met from pittsburgh named derrick who caught my attention because he was playing some dmb on his guitar. he's an incredibly interesting guy who had graduated college really quickly and was now traveling all over the us, basically going wherever he feels like. sounds like a cool life...not having any commitments and being free to do what you want. i wish.

i can't decide if i'm happy being back here or not. living with people i don't know and don't really like. letting something i thought i loved stress me out beyond belief. spending time thinking about the past. not being able to focus on the reason i'm here. being lonely all the time, even when i'm with people i like. not knowing if the reason i'm here is even what i really want to be doing. wanting to be somewhere else as long as it isn't here.
being home is not much better though. am i stuck trying to pick the thing that sucks the least? the lesser of two evils? is that how i'm destined to spend the rest of my life? or just the rest of college?

i'm scared and alone.

"it sounds like you're spending time trying to figure out why the world sucks so much." -brp