too much pain, not enough time

i thought i had it all figured out, but the i sit down now and i have no idea what even happened. i really don't know.

it hurts too much though. i do know that.

some other things i think i know...

i can't be alone. i can't do it by myself. i need someone to help me through the days, nights, weeks, and however long i have left in this horrible place.

i can't be with someone. i'm too scared of losing them, of being left on my own again. and it's inevitable. it happens every time. i hold on too tight and don't know how to let go, even just a little bit. it has nothing to do with not being independent enough or depending on someone else for my own happiness. i'm just too scared.

i'm destined to lose the people i love. it has never happened any other way. i don't hold on enough and they're taken from me before i even realize it, or i hold on too much and push them away. the end result is always the same: i'm alone.

i don't know where i belong. i want to be somewhere away from everyone else. i don't know where home is, but it isn't here. not now.

i'm lost. i'm alone. i can't depend on anyone.

human are inherently selfish. we don't care about other people unless it affects us in some way.

we are all destined to be alone. there's no way around it. when i think about it, i don't want to live anymore of this life where i am doomed to be alone. i don't want to be forced to delude myself either...that's no better than pain.


i don't know if i will last much longer. this is all too hard. i don't understand how people can be so falsely happy. i won't be made a fool.

i don't know what the answer is. how do i deal with the rest of time?

there is no answer. it is all futile. there is no point. we all die in the end. everything between birth and death is just filler.