one down...five to go

as of 1:45 today, i am completely done with biology lab...until next semester. but unless i'm missing some aspect of the grading system for lab, i should have 100% for it, which will hopefully bring up my bio grade as a whole since i haven't done so hot on those exams. we shall see.

my physical that was supposed to be yesterday afternoon didn't happen, so now it is scheduled for 4:30 today. hopefully something else doesn't prevent me from getting it again.


ever since class on tuesday, i've been thinking about something dr. white said in ethics. we were talking about coetzee's book, the lives of animals, and he said something (i wish i could remember exactly what he said) about the rightness of eating animals, or using their products.

aren't we appaled and disgusted by just the thought of eating the flesh of another person? wouldn't we be equally distraught if we saw someone walking down the street wearing a jacket made of human hair, or perhaps carrying a bag that was made of human skin?

so what's the difference between humans and animals? most answers are that humans have this thing we call 'reason,' claiming that justifies the murder of innocent and helpless animals. i still can't even understand the rationale in that. apparently our 'reason' isn't working out too well for us. does that mean i can go eat a baby or a mentally ill person whose reason isn't fully developed for one reason or another? no, of course not. i would undeniably be branded an evil and disturbed person and would be punished in various ways. (i have just remembered what dr. white said, so i will leave my arguments here for another day.)

we are bringing countless numbers of animals into the world for the sole purpose of eating them. they have become mere objects to us. just a means to an end. i believe it was kant who said that we must treat people as ends in themselves. i will go so far (or not so far) as to suggest that we must treat all creatures as ends in themselves.

and thus comes my hypocrisy. i work in a biomedical lab which does research on mice. we have mice...probably around two hundred. they are bred and those which do not have the genes we are looking for are sacrificed. i never liked calling it "sacrifice" though. don't try and make it sound pretty or meaningful. they're being murdered. that is all there is to it. i have murdered mice on three occasions. they are placed in a small plastic box that has a tube from the tank of carbon monoxide running into it. the mice are placed in the box and the lid is clasped shut. once the tank is turned on, the mice begin to jump around trying to get oxygen. eventually they stop jumping around. their eyes, which were once red and bright, are now black because the blood is gone. unable to control their bladders, almost all of them at least urinate sometime during the ordeal. it is horrible to watch. and it is even worse to know that i am one of the killers, just like everyone else.

i will not sit here and say that they're just mice so they don't matter, because that is the same justification used by those who eat animals. i will not say that their deaths are enhancing the lives of humans through the research that is being done, because that too can be used to justify eating animals. no matter how you look at it, we use animals in horrid ways. i cannot justify what i do. it is a job i took as a freshman. i was told i wouldn't have to go up to the animal room, but that was soon untrue.

i am in the midst of a moral dilemma. i know that if i truly believe what i said that i shouldn't work in the lab. i do believe what i said, but it is more complicated than that. or is it? can it be? is it more complicated for the animals that die every day because of people like me? no. they don't have a choice. so what is mine?

new england clam chowder

just some random thoughts and events from the last few days...

- snowboarding on saturday at a-basin was amazing. after it started snowing in the morning, the snow was perfect. it was cold, but still a lot of fun. it was especially fun to see paul fall...and it always seemed to happen whenever i said he was going to. quite amusing.

- it was a very weird trip back to omaha on sunday. first, i saw adam altrichter at the gate (not weird since he lives in colo), as well as libby and emily. then, i saw dan chipps standing a few feet away from me. so i started talking to him. then sandy walked up to the united desk at the gate. chipps went and talked to him for a few minutes. he made sure not to look at me nor aknowledge my existence. good for him. once we got to the aiport, we found nate, who needed a ride back to campus (which dan had offered me, and by default, adam, back in denver). then i got ahold of kevin, who i was originally intending on going back to campus with. we all piled into dan's explorer and then we were back.

- the dave concert last night was absolutely amazing. i can't say which concert is the best i've ever been to. i know which my favorites were with ozzy, but i can't really compare this one to any of those. the set list was decent. two step, what would you say, some songs from stand up, and some others...with everyday and ants marching finishing up the encore. the seats were the best i've ever had, except for the guy with the big head who was sort of in front of me. i was glad to see the drunk girl who tried to start a fight with me get kicked out. and i think i can safely say that brian and i enjoyed each other's company. ok, correction: i can say that for myself, but i won't be so arrogant as to assume that from his standpoint.

- i fell asleep in physics and biology today...oops. sorry, dr. duda.

- for a few hours yesterday, i thought i would be going to new york city this weekend, but that is not happening any longer. familial drama hath prevented it. and that's fine...i need to get papers, presentations, and studying done. as well as hanging out with the girls. someday i'll make it to new york...

- i had some interesting dreams last night. i wouldn't even know where to start in describing or explaining them. i've also had some weird flashbacks to memories ranging from last year up to six years ago recently. i don't know what that's all about either. we'll see what happens.

- upcoming events/assignments:

november 29th: athletic physical
november 30th: biology lab presentation
december 1st: ethics exam / physics exam
december 6th: physics lab project presentation / native american studies presentation
december 12th: biology final / ethics final paper due
december 15th: world lit final / native american studies final / physics final / train to denver
january 8th: train to omaha
january 12th: second semester starts

16 days, 21 hours, and 43 minutes until this semester is done.

look for the girl with the broken smile

i just took it all down. no more memories.

remove tag

i got some of my golfing in today. i didn't play very well, but it was fun nonetheless. brian and i got to spend some time together, which was definitely good. i also got to see bob, lara, and dave, as well as rich, john, rak, and george. it was great weather for golf, so i am really glad i got out since the weather is supposed to get colder all the way through sunday. hopefully, i'll be able to get a few more holes in before i leave, perhaps on friday. i think i might stop by there tomorrow at some point to see jack since he'll be working and i didn't get a chance to talk to him when i was home over fall break.

since then, not much.

i'm trapped between trying to think and not trying to think about it at the same time. it creates quite a chaotic situation inside my head. ignore it because it hurts sometimes, or think about how to make things better because there has been so much happiness there before? is it one-sided? am i long forgotten? i don't know what the answers to any of these questions are. i'm really not sure if there are answers.

i've been trying to figure out if it is real or not. i can't decipher my own emotions anymore.

and i just realized something very weird. i would like to know what it means. perhaps you will enlighten me...

the countdown is over

and a new one begins...21 days, 23 hours, and 52 minutes until christmas break.

but i'm home now. it's kinda weird, but hopefully it won't be as bad as fall break turned out to be.

tomorrow, i have a dentist appointment at 11am, and then i'm going to head over to joan and steven's to start cooking and hang out with her, andrew, and grace.

i'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. and perhaps it is a good thing this is a shorter break than last time. and i have the dave concert to look forward to going back to. and the sooner this is over, the sooner i can get on with finishing up the semester, which i am ready to do.

time to move the laundry and get some sleep.

only a few more

ethics class was interesting today. well, the second half.
we're reading a book called the lives of animals, by j.m. coetzee. and actually, by 'we,' i think i mean a very limited number of people in the class.
since a majority of the people hadn't read the book and ultimately don't really care about animal rights, i think i was one of the only people intrigued by the lecture.
coetzee makes some good points, and he makes them in a very new way: fiction.
reading it has revitalized my interest in animal rights, etc. i think i will take one of my peter singer books with me to read on the plane (even though i should really work on research for my ethics paper). we shall see.
my liking of dr. white has increased dramatically upon learning that he doesn't eat meat either. i hope that one day i will get the courage to attempt to have a real conversation with him outside of class.

only about 5 hours until i leave for the airport. something like eight hours until i'll be back home.

oh, and i got a letter from andrew in the mail today. i think it had been sitting in my mail box for a few days, but it definitely brightened up my day.

the rest of the day:
nap/packing until class
native american studies
world lit II (i really don't want to go today...)
coxing colie's 2k
finish packing
leave for the airport with kate
get home and do laundry

i'll be alright without you

working the trans siberian orchestra concert last night at the qwest center was awesome, if only because of the few minutes i got to watch the concert. the finale no less. they played carol of the bells (sorry, brian...i can't spell the REAL name of the song) and went to town with it. lots of fun. i think it would be a blast to get tickets for next year.

i got into bed around 11:30ish and as i was falling asleep at 11:45, what happens? well, of course the fire alarm goes off. what else would happen here in mcgloin? yes, that's right...fire alarm number eight...in a little over three months. oh yea, and they've all been false alarms. i didn't go out for it, but despite that, i still wasn't able to fall asleep until close to 1. argh. i was definitely angry. and incrediby tired this morning before, during, and after my biology test (which kicked the crap out of me). i don't want to see the answer key when he puts it up. i think instead of waiting anxiously to see it, i will instead take a nap and check them when i get back from weights.

work was long and tedious, but i got a lot done and i got an email from fr. bucko asking for permission to post my paper on our class website deal because i got the top grade on it...that was a good confidence boost. i also got paid last week, so that's good especially since it seems i will have to cancel my shoe order with lara/adidas and buy my own while i'm home this week. i don't really want to since the discount is so big, but its been almost three months since i ordered them. it's getting to be a bit ridiculous now. we'll see what she says when i talk to her tomorrow or wednesday.

and while i was at work, i saw adam (hamilton) walking down the hall somewhat aimlessly. so i stopped and talked to him for a minute. sometimes he really surprises me. or maybe i should have just given him a chance when i first met him and i wouldn't be surprised when he's nice and things that are incredibly helpful. i will definitely take his advice to heart. he's a good guy.

the forecast for denver is supposed to be 60's all the way through the week, which makes me incredibly happy because that would be perfect for golfing and would be warm enough in town for it to be a great temperature up in the mountains. i think we might be skiing/snowboarding on thursday, but i'm not sure since thanksgiving dinner has to be somewhat early because jill has to work at the hospital that night (blegh). we'll see though.

i talked to brian twice last night. the first time he called me to see if i had his rent cds and the second time he called me for the same thing, except this time he was drunk and it was midnight. after i told him i was in bed, we proceeded to talk for another 20 minutes. oops. but he did tell me about the "drinksgiving" get together that will be taking place at his house while i'm home. i'm definitely looking forward to that, especially since john will be home for the first time since june when he left for pittsburgh. i can't wait to see him again. it should be fun.

and, the most exciting thing...

24 hours, 50 minutes, and 39 seconds until i'm on my way back home.

- - - - - - - -

i wish i could convince myself that it is true.

an applicable statement.

It's probably been quite a difficult three weeks for you, emotionally speaking, at least. That doesn't mean you haven't been able to find a port in a storm, but you've probably spent a lot of time alone, waiting for just the right place to "put in." Well, the good news is that it's all over. You can come out and face everyone you've been avoiding, and they'll be delighted to see you.

what if there never has been a subject?

i spent the day studying biology and working on my physics paper. i also took a nap since my nap yesterday was completely ruined by all the people in the world (or omaha) who decided i did not deserve a nap.

tonight, me, steph, and kate went to noodles (mmm pesto cavatappi) and then we went to see harry potter 4. we got there early, which was a good thing since the line was ridiculously long when we got there. the movie was alright. not as disappointing as the first ones, but not as good as i hoped for (trailers are horribly deceptive...thus they do their job wonderfully). it was pretty long, but i stayed awake, unlike when i went to see the prisoner of azkaban last summer...although, i may have stayed awake only because i had to pee so bad for the last hour and a half of the movie. oh well. it was still pretty good. after that, we went to coldstone. after a small setback, we got our ice cream and headed back towards creighton. i randomly got a craving for pizza hut breadsticks, so we stopped at the pizza hut/taco bell. coincidentally enough, we pulled up behind heather in the drive thru (through?...ah, i love america...through is too long, so we go with thru. excellent. or excellente, as sidebottom would say.)

now i'm back in my room, no longer hungry for my breadsticks, but drinking the enormous mountain dew i got. it would be a good time to continue studying since i still have three chapters to go in biology, but i don't think i'm in the mood right now.

i haven't gotten an email all day until tonight, and now i'm wishing i hadn't gotten it, or at least that i could talk to you about it.
i really wish i could just talk to someone who would listen. i don't know what i'm feeling or even thinking right now.

- - - - - - - -

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone

i don't know who it is, but i need someone.

more than a feeling

it has been an interesting night. i told mysely i was going to study. well, i did...just not as much as i had hoped. but that's alright. i'll just really have to get down to it tomorrow. steph and i ordered pizza and planned on watching harry potter 3 in preparation for tomorrow, but about 20 minutes in, the freshmen (specifically, kara, nate, scott, patrick, etc) called and invited us to hang out with them over in kiewit. very random. lots of stupid drunk freshmen. i am surprised they didn't get written up. steph and i, being the only sober people there, had to take this girl back up to her room because she was all over every one (guys and girls) and was about to start throwing up. that was fun. i look forward to seeing the pictures.

the two most pressing things are my biology exam over six chapters on monday and my physics project report due tuesday by 5pm. i got through two chapters of bio today. not great, but better than none. jackie and i are going to work on our paper tomorrow. i don't know how long it will take, but hopefully we can get it done well.

tomorrow night, kate, steph, and i are going to go to dinner (noodles? who knows?), then to see harry potter, and then to coldstone. it should be fun. i am looking forward to seeing the movie for sure. and coldstone is always good.

sunday i just need to get my studying done before we work the qwest center (trans siberian orchestra concert...very excited!), since i will have to go to bed as soon as i get back from it since we practice at 5:30 monday morning.

things could be better. things could be worse.

bottom line...i leave for home in 3 days, 13 hours, and 20 minutes.

i've been listening to a lot of music lately. i am usually by myself. i think i like it that way too. no one bothers me and i don't bother them. sometimes i wonder who my friends are, but then i realize that my true friends are the ones who have stuck by me through it all. i'm not sure who will stick by my through this, but i know that katie, at least, is always there. marke has been there for me too. hopefully i will get to see him over break, but i don't think i will be able to since everyone will be so busy. i miss other high school people from time to time when i remember random stupid things we did over the years.

the semester has flown by incredibly quickly. one minute i'm counting down the days to fall break, and the next i'm realizing that we only have something like 12 days of class left before finals week. that's insane. i have lots of big papers and exams in these last weeks of the semester. hopefully i will be able to get through those fairly well. i am definitely looking forward to the end of this semester though. it isn't that i'm necessarily looking forward to next semester (physics will suck. so will bio. latin...blegh. theology...meh. at least english lit should be a good class.), but every day is another day closer to the end of the year and going back to what i really enjoy. i do wonder if i will be able to return to school again next year after going back to pinehurst.

the question of the last few weeks: is it better to be happy doing something that won't mean much in the long run, or is it better to hate what you're doing, but possibly (only possibly) make some sort of difference?

i don't know anymore. what is there to be said for happiness? is happiness truly attainable? is it all an illusion? can i be happy and make a difference at the same time?

but before all that, can i get through this year?

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

the jump.

i think it's all but official...aside from my physical next tuesday before my flight home.
after talking to a range of people and filling out more paperwork in one day than i have in the last year, i start tomorrow at 5:30am. i'm scared, but i'm not going to let it stop me.

i'll just have to wait and see what happens. at this point, i see two drawbacks and hopefully one of them will be mitigated soon, but i'm not holding my breath. yep, we'll see.

and now, its time to eat, do homework, and get some sleep.

current countdown: 5 days, 21 hours, 28 minutes.

confused and alone on a sunday night

that's about it really.

i'm listening to dave and contemplating things.

i'm reading a book by the dalai lama, called ethics for the new millennium for ethics class right now. i think i may be one of the only people who actually reads the whole assignment for class on tuesday, but oh well. reading it has made me think about a lot of things in totally different ways. some other time, i will pass on some passages from the book, but i will be in bed very soon.

today, i tried to do something that i thought would be more beneficial to the two people involved, but as it turned out, me trying to prevent unhappiness seemed to cause more than would have otherwise been caused. it doesn't really make sense to me. i really was trying to make things better. i had thought it out and weighed both expected outcomes, and i did not see this coming. these are the times when it starts to seem like we should always act out of our gut instinct, but that doesn't seem right either. and thinking about things doesn't work for me half the time because i make assumptions and then i get fucked by them. i don't know what the right thing to do it anymore. even if i thought i knew what it was, i would probably be wrong.

its all too frustrating.

i have to go to bed now.

countdown: 8 days, 15 hours, 17 minutes

passing time in world lit class...

What kind of a postmodernist are you?

http://quizilla.com/users/qirin/quizzes/What%20kind%20of%20postmodernist%20are%20you!%3F/

"You are a Grassroots Activist. Anti-capitalist, anti-patrist, anti-authoritarian, whatever, you're just fuckin' anti. You probably tell people you hate postmodernism, but that assertion elides the complex interdependencies among academic poststructuralism and street-level activism. You don't bathe regularly, and know at least one person who has scabbies."

so long.

it was a long weekend, but it's over. results can be found at... http://wichitarowing.org/Frostbite%202005/Frostbite%202005%20results.pdf
specifically, the women's varsity four did amazingly well this weekend placing 7th of 15 boats (we finally broke into the top 50%!). i'm incredibly glad that we finished the season with such a good race. i will miss coxing those girls. and we looked damn sexy in our racing shirts.
the men's varsity four b i coxed was a blast. it is amazing how much faster the guys boat seems after coxing girls all season. either way, they did really well, coming within 20 seconds of the a boat's time.
the women's varsity eight was not all that great, but for having never practiced, getting through the race sounds good enough to me.
pictures from this weekend can be seen on my facebook profile (some of them), and they will be up on my flickr very soon.

this week has gone by rather uneventfully. brian and i drove to lincoln last night to get some riggers we left there monday night. i got my physics test back today expecting to do just as badly as i had on the first two, but was pleasantly surprised by my 82%. we work the (australian) pink floyd concert at the qwest center tonight. and tomorrow at 4 pm (same time as physics recitation), i register for my spring semester classes...we'll see what happens with that.

this weekend, i'm looking forward to seeing one of the movies i've been wanting to see for a while now (possibilities include: jarhead, north country, and good night, and good luck). i'm also excited to sleep in for the first weekend in quite some time. i don't expect anything too exciting; i just hope to be able to rest, relax, and get some good work done on the big assignments i have coming up before thanksgiving break.

i believe that may be all for now.

current countdown: 12 days, 23 hours, and 30 minutes until thanksgiving break

halloween - today

the last few days.

monday/halloween: classes as normal. costumes at practice. lots of homework. party at laura's. good times except the nagging thought reminding me i had physics the next morning at 7:30 am.
memories include:
"where's my utensil" - joe, in reference to his lost sandal
jd singing and dancing
the drunk devil girl trying to get on everyone (including laura)

tuesday: regular classes. practice that wasn't fun at all. homework. sleep.

wednesday: physics, bio, and a short bio lab. practiced the four yesterday. gross dinner. hours of studying physics.

thursday: stressing about physics. ethics. studying for physics. NAS and world lit (stressing about physics). half hour of studying for physics. physics exam. headache...little physics demons pounding on the inside of my head with large hammers.

tonight: dinner. physics reading quiz. and then NOTHING ELSE.

the next few days...
saturday: drive to wichita
sunday: frostbite regatta

and the countdown...
18 days, 21 hours, 57 minutes, and some seconds until thanksgiving break