more than a feeling

it has been an interesting night. i told mysely i was going to study. well, i did...just not as much as i had hoped. but that's alright. i'll just really have to get down to it tomorrow. steph and i ordered pizza and planned on watching harry potter 3 in preparation for tomorrow, but about 20 minutes in, the freshmen (specifically, kara, nate, scott, patrick, etc) called and invited us to hang out with them over in kiewit. very random. lots of stupid drunk freshmen. i am surprised they didn't get written up. steph and i, being the only sober people there, had to take this girl back up to her room because she was all over every one (guys and girls) and was about to start throwing up. that was fun. i look forward to seeing the pictures.

the two most pressing things are my biology exam over six chapters on monday and my physics project report due tuesday by 5pm. i got through two chapters of bio today. not great, but better than none. jackie and i are going to work on our paper tomorrow. i don't know how long it will take, but hopefully we can get it done well.

tomorrow night, kate, steph, and i are going to go to dinner (noodles? who knows?), then to see harry potter, and then to coldstone. it should be fun. i am looking forward to seeing the movie for sure. and coldstone is always good.

sunday i just need to get my studying done before we work the qwest center (trans siberian orchestra concert...very excited!), since i will have to go to bed as soon as i get back from it since we practice at 5:30 monday morning.

things could be better. things could be worse.

bottom line...i leave for home in 3 days, 13 hours, and 20 minutes.

i've been listening to a lot of music lately. i am usually by myself. i think i like it that way too. no one bothers me and i don't bother them. sometimes i wonder who my friends are, but then i realize that my true friends are the ones who have stuck by me through it all. i'm not sure who will stick by my through this, but i know that katie, at least, is always there. marke has been there for me too. hopefully i will get to see him over break, but i don't think i will be able to since everyone will be so busy. i miss other high school people from time to time when i remember random stupid things we did over the years.

the semester has flown by incredibly quickly. one minute i'm counting down the days to fall break, and the next i'm realizing that we only have something like 12 days of class left before finals week. that's insane. i have lots of big papers and exams in these last weeks of the semester. hopefully i will be able to get through those fairly well. i am definitely looking forward to the end of this semester though. it isn't that i'm necessarily looking forward to next semester (physics will suck. so will bio. latin...blegh. theology...meh. at least english lit should be a good class.), but every day is another day closer to the end of the year and going back to what i really enjoy. i do wonder if i will be able to return to school again next year after going back to pinehurst.

the question of the last few weeks: is it better to be happy doing something that won't mean much in the long run, or is it better to hate what you're doing, but possibly (only possibly) make some sort of difference?

i don't know anymore. what is there to be said for happiness? is happiness truly attainable? is it all an illusion? can i be happy and make a difference at the same time?

but before all that, can i get through this year?