rumor has it...

a good movie. lots of fun.

lunch at olive garden was fun too. i'm glad i got to see kyle and alyssa again. it was a nice surprise to see kyle since i apparently didn't hear alyssa say he was coming.

tomorrow i have to find a present for white elephant/dirty secret santa on sunday. i wanted to do a puppy or kitten, but my life was threatened, so i've changed my mind. i'm not sure what i'll do, but i have a backup: tattered covered gift certificate. hopefully i don't have to do that, but it won't be a huge deal if i do. we'll see.

i just ordered jay's birthday present from best buy. wedding crashers unrated. hopefully kim or someone else doesn't get it for him, but if she does, i'll keep it and find him something else.

tomorrow night i'm going over to paul's (ibarra) house for some pre-partying and then we're going downtown for the fireworks. should be fun. too bad i can't go too crazy becuase sunday is the family christmas. good planning on someone's part...

and now i'm ready to sleep on my own bed...

breck

my second night up at the cabin has been much more laid back than last night. we had nine people up here and six of them technically didn't belong. jay and kim spent most of the evening upstairs while me and the boys hung out down here. steve and paul (ibarra) showed up first, and headed straight to take naps after their day at breck. paul (klapper) and marke showed up over two hours after when they should have been here, but that's what happens when you flip off a crazy russian lady who blocks you in her driveway and calls the cops who have to do the breathalizer (sidenote: anyone know the proper spelling of breathalizer?) charade. oh well. pete and chas showed up last after most of the drinking and games had already ended. (first, we watched the avs face a horrible defeat from the freaking kings, and then we watched the end of the nebraska-michigan game, which just added insult to injury with a ridiculous end of the game in the final seconds. i don't want to talk about either anymore.}

by the time chas, paul (ibarra), and steve got back from going to the liquor store and getting pizza, most of us were pretty tired and we watched some south park and about fell asleep where we were sitting. we were up again at 8:30-9 this morning after going to sleep around 1am or so. mark was on his way back to denver, and the rest of us were en route to a-basin. after ridiculous traffic and snow and ticket office ordeals, we were finally on the hill at 10:30.

it started snowing before we were up and continued that way until about 4pm. there was probably four inches of fresh powder when we got on the mountain, and since the snow kept up all day, we had powder on every run. visibility was incredibly poor, especially on the top of the mountain where we were all day. luckily most of the powder was somewhat forgiving, so there were only a few mini-yard sales by chas and pete, and the pauls and i had some spectacular digs. i haven't had that good of a day at a-basin in a long time. those boys pushed me pretty hard and now i am exhausted.

now, it is time for some more mikes, perhaps some food, tv, and sleep.

i head back to denver tomorrow morning (keep your fingers crossed that the nws has it right for tomorrow and no snow on the drive home). i have lunch with alyssa at olive garden (yum...excited!) at 1pm, and then jill and i are supposed to be seeing rumor has it (jennifer aniston, kevin costner, mark ruffalo, etc) at some point tomorrow since brian is working...we think.

goodnight. i hope everything is going well. perhaps we shall talk soon. i can only hope.

p.s. it's really 10:38pm.

jack and coke

it has been a pretty mello day since i didn't leave brian and jill's last night until after 2:30. dinner was good...despite knowing that the columbine isn't the most vegetarian-friendly place in the world, it was still a good dinner. and that place has damn good vanilla milkshakes. bowlero had league bowling until 9, so we had to hang out at the house for quite awhile, but there were quite a few people over: francie and her family (sans kelly), joan, steven, andrew, grace, chris, ella, grandma, grandpa, jill, john, vora, jay, and kim. it was a pretty full house and was a little akward considering the random congolmeration of people. most of those people didn't come bowling though. mom and dad came over to give brian money for bowling, but then left to go to bed. it ended up being brian's friends with me and jill, and then jay's friends. once again, it was quite a random group of people, who probably wouldn't have gotten along as well as everyone did if there hadn't been a great number of four dollar pitchers of beer floating around. and by multiple, i mean at least 10. eek. both brian and jay were pretty drunk, which is interesting when they're together. we didn't leave the bowling alley until about 12:30, and then we (me, jill, brian, john, vora, matt, justin, and nate) went back to brian's to hang out. brian and john got into one of their fights pretty quick after we got there, so it was a little crazy at brian's. oh well. sort of a fun night. the pictures are definitely funny.

i finally got my ipod case and new ear buds....right in time for me to go up to the mountains. we just found out yesterday that ted is not in breckenridge for the week (long story), so jay and kim are up there for the week and i think joan, steven, and the kids are up there tonight. i'm going to head up tomorrow morning-ish. i will probably try to snowboard in the afternoon tomorrow before i spend the night at the cabin. i'm not sure if anyone will go up with me...perhaps mark, pete, or paul. i'll find out soon, i guess, but i'm predicting that it will just be me.

the plan for tonight...party in boulder with what is destined to be another random assortment of people from mullen. but it should be fun. i'll get to see a lot of people i haven't seen or talked to in a long time, so i'm definitely excited for that. i just need to get ahold of katie and make sure she's still coming up with me. i also need to call marke and see what he's up to now. hopefully he made it back from wisconsin alright.

and now i've got to fold my laundry, find some food, and take a shower.

finally...

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

take me to neverland

i'm tired of all the bullshit that is going around. it is all too much for me, for everyone. but as we all look out for "number one," i guess that is really what i'm more worried about.

i want the holidays to be over with. but i don't want to go back to school. these are the times when i wish i could go back to grade school where things didn't seem to matter so much. there weren't extenuating circumstances that altered how good something was. it was what it was. i miss that.

i also don't feel like we can ever get through the holidays without someone getting sick or dying. this year it is pat, my dad's sister's mother-in-law. sure, it seems irrelevant to me personally, but it really isn't. it's affecting everything. she had a heart attack (and already has bone cancer) and isn't expected to last much longer. oddly enough, today is the anniversary of the day the same aunt had to make the decision to "pull the plug" on her husband (pat's son). it's tough, but what do you do? i question it all in times like these.

will we all be together through the years? no. definitely not.

the fact that i got into a fight with alyssa the other day isn't making things much better. i wish i weren't so contrary...there are many other words for it that i am unable to think of because contrary doesn't seem to describe it well. i don't know. i say that i don't want to put up with people who treat me and other people like we don't matter, but then i always do. i'm not sure there is a good solution to the situation. perhaps one day i will figure it out. either that, or i will go off and live on my own, secluded from society. just me, my music, and toro. or something.

welll, i must also be thankful for all the things i have. i am. i wish i could help all the people who have less. and i wish i could stop those of us who are the haves from being so greedy, myself included. i really want to make sure that i'm not snotty this year. i don't want to come out of christmas upset because i didn't get something i wanted. i'm ashamed to admit that i've done that in the past. not this year though. i'm going to be better about it. most of all, i am thankful that we will all be together at some point. i wish we could get along, but that is a lot to ask for...even of santa. i also wish that lynn could be out here with us. i wish morgan could still be here too. i don't think about her enough. i let her slip from my memory all too quickly. i need to work on that as well.

it seems i have my work cut out for me this christmas and this next year, but i will try.

i will also try to treat people better. especially a certain few. i'm truly sorry for all the pain and strife i've caused. i wish i could take it back. and still, more than ever, do i wish for the same thing i wished for when morgan died.

it should have been me instead of her.

a few more hits

i got the last two grades finally. b+ in ethics and an a in world lit. i'm upset about the ethics grade, but oh well. should still be keeping myself out of the athletic learning center.

i need to get out of the house today because i'm getting quite upset being here, but i don't really have anywhere to go.

i'm tired of getting excited about coming home and seeing all my friends and then being horribly disappointed. i haven't talked to paul since i dropped him off at his house on monday night. mark never called me back on saturday night. i have yet to hear from christie. i'm realizing i care less and less about ben and lara. i haven't called linds yet...i'm not sure why. and katie doesn't get back until tomorrow night.

going snowboarding by myself yesterday was fun, but it was also a little bit depressing. almost as depressing as being home alone doing very little. the only surprise was a phone call from kate thanking me for her present and a facebook message from gina, whom i haven't talked to in quite a long time.

i guess it is all self-inflicted though. i could call any one of those people, but after coming to the realization that i am not always wanted around and that sometimes people are too nice to tell me that, i'm not in the mood to being a third wheel anymore. jay invited me to go to a christmas party with him and kim tonight, but i don't think i'll go. it feels a bit weird to go to a party with your brother, his girlfriend, and his friends who are all his age or older. it will probably just be another boring night around here.

i'm tired of waiting for people to figure out what they're missing. i need to talk to kara. perhaps i will give her a call later on today. we understand each other very well. too bad she's in montana.

i'm getting too depressed here. it might be time to finish it off, or begin a new one. we will see.

grades and other things.

three of five...

biology: C
native american studies: A
physics: C+

incredibly sad when i look at them, but i can't say i'm surprised. i probably don't deserve the c in biology, but i guess it is just good that i did well in lab and on the paper.
i had to fight bucko for the a in native american studies, but i know i deserve it anyway. he sent out the grade report on friday. i had a B+ when he sent them, but i rocked out on his final (97.5%) and he let me reevaluate my participation grade, and we talked about it.
i wasn't expecting to get a B in physics, but it would have been really nice. the final was ridiculous and i'm not even going to repeat my score on it. i don't really want to look dr. duda in the eye after my dismal performance on it. eek.

i can only hope that ethics and world lit come back with a's. if they don't, i will definitely be upset. i'll just have to wait and see.

it's been a very low-key couple of days...except for having to go to the mall a couple times. i got all my shopping done in two days though, so i'm happy about that. i just have to get jay his birthday present, but luckily i have a week to do that.

this week will be the only one i am on my own because everyone is taking time off after christmas. i won't be doing much today, but i hope to go snowboarding (hopefully) at least twice this week.

friday is my grandpa's birthday, so we'll have everyone over here for dinner. then saturday night we're going to mass at notre dame at 10pm (i don't know why). on sunday morning, brian and jill are coming over to open presents and then we've got dinner that night at joan's. we won't really celebrate family christmas with presents until new year's eve (my family is dysfunctional, remember) because my uncle chris and his daughter, ella, don't come into town until the 26th. we're going to dinner with francie, doug, and the girls on monday night, and then we're going bowling for brian's birthday.

it will all be busy and hectic, so i will definitely try to enjoy and relax for the next four days that i have to myself.

and that's about it for now. i have to go write a couple christmas cards and then i'm off to the shop to ship some presents.

i'm home. and it's snowing. much better than omaha.

and so it ends.

another semester over before i even knew it had started. i was ready for it to end, that is for sure. i am ready for time off. time away from drama and pain. from my daily regiment of practice, class, work, homework, and sleep. time to spend with old friends i have missed dearly. and i keep the hope that perhaps a few weeks away will give me a better perspective of the whole thing.

things will be good for a few days, at least, until grades come back. i am fairly certain of my grade in physics, but everything else is up in the air, part of the uncertainty is because i never even knew my grade in philosophy or world lit. bio is destined to be bad. and NAS is all dependent upon my final. either a high b or a low a. we shall see.

and now i wait for the train to take me back to denver. it keeps getting later and later, but i'll be home eventually. it would be nice if i was back in time to take a shower before i have to go to mullen for holijays. yes, i'll hope for that.

but i will be home soon. i will look forward to that. then, things will get busy though. many errands to run, and lots of shopping to do because i haven't been able to get anyone's presents since my credit card was deactivated.

that is all for now, i believe.

ps. "christmas break has occurred!"

the homestretch

with just about a day to go, i'm getting down to the wire here. i've got to edit and wrap up my paper (hopefully before weights this afternoon), write one more journal, study for world lit, and study lots for physics. i also have to pack at some point.

i got my new ipod today. it's so pretty. i don't really want to touch it at all until i get a case for it, which i can't order until i get home so it will be a couple days.

i'm incredibly jealous of all the people who are already done with all their finals, or who will be finishing up tonight. oh well. soon enough.

i think i'll take a shower real quick before i really get into finishing up this paper.

here's the plan:

14 dec 2005
now: shower
then - 4:15: paper
4:30 - 5:30: weights
5:35: shower
6:15 - 8:25: work on whatever of the paper that isn't done/study physics/dinner
8:30: meet kara and kate to study world lit
sleep

15 dec 2005
8 - 9:40: world lit final
9:40 - 2:45: study physics/pack/lunch
3 - 6: physics final
10:39 pm: train leaves omaha (scheduled...probably won't happen though)

16 dec 2005
7:15 am MDT: train arrives denver

that's about it. and i'm off.

and the last one of the semester, i think...

1 day, 4 hours, 31 minutes, 14 seconds

bad day, good night.

time for bed, but not before i first point out that i only have...

2 days, 17 hours, 20 minutes, and 44 seconds

...until this semester is over.

after finding out how i did on my biology exam today, i am thoroughly ready for this all to be over. but considering i am not yet halfway done with my ethics research paper and about halfway done with my journals, perhaps i need a little bit more time for everything.

the title is true, except for the punch to the kidney/ribs. everything else was wonderful though.

that's just the way it goes

i've been in my room all day studying...seriously, i have not ventured out of my bedroom for more than 5 consecutive minutes. it's pretty sad when you think about it. and even more sad when i think about how i probably won't even be able to bring my biology grade up. it's going to be bad.

the plan for the rest of the night:
go down to java jay once my NAS study guide is done printing
study terms, then work on essay outlines some more
come back to my room and go over old biology exams
sleep

tomorrow:
no morning practice for me
go over some bio in the morning
bio final: 10-11:40am
come back to room and go over NAS
NAS final: 1-2:40pm
weights: 4:30-5:30pm
do some serious ethics paper and journal writing

the good news is that after tomorrow, i will be done with half of my exams.

and the even better news is that in just 3 days, 23 hours, 12 minutes, and 1 second, i will be done with my physics final (and the semester)

wipe that tear away now

it seems that i underestimated how bad finals were going to be. i am going to pay for having put off that ethics paper and the journals, but i think i'll get them done eventually. i'm so lucky he pushed them back to thursday. i hope to have them all done by tuesday night so that i can spend the majority of the day on wednesday studying for physics, which i am scared out of my mind for. but first, i have to deal with NAS and biology on monday. native american studies should be interesting. he gave us 125 terms to study, he'll put 30 on the test, and we have to pick 20 of them to answer. and he gave us six possible essays for the test and he'll choose two of them. sounds a bit ridiculous to me. biology is scary because i think i may have to come to grips with needing to re-take that at some point next year (which i won't have time to do). blegh. stupid bio. hopefully my lab and paper grades can help even me out a little bit.

and the hits just keep on coming. i can't transfer money to my checking account so that my check doesn't bounce because the bank of the west blows and i can't access my savings account online. oh, and they charged me exorbitant service charges because the asses in romania who stole my credit card number used ATMs that weren't recognized by bank o' the west. ridiculous.

i've been trying to keep myself from thinking about it, but it is incredibly hard for me. i keep checking to see if there's anything from you. of course there isn't. i have to be strong. i can't let this get to me...again. i know it will though. it is making concentrating on anything very difficult. i've got to find a way to get away from my computer. i may be heading down to the java jay pretty soon to start working on bio even though i have absolutely no idea where to begin. this is the point where my head starts to feel like it is going to explode.

on one hand, i don't want this weekend to ever end just so that i don't have to deal with what is coming on those four days. on the other, i just want this weekend to go as fast as possible so that it is monday and then time will fly by. and before i know it, i'll be on a train back to denver for three and a half weeks. i can't wait. i just want to get away from all of this. right now. (i feel like i just sounded like the little brat girl from willy wonka and the chocolate factory who turns into a blueberry..."what do you do when your kid is a brat?")

the plan:
start reading the new chapters of bio
go over final exams from previous years
food
more bio...look over notes since i slept through class or had no idea what he was talking about the whole semester
maybe work on some ethics journals or research for the paper
and at some point, i will have to do something non-school. maybe i'll watch a movie tonight before i go to bed.

one good thing: we're not expected to be at practice at all in the morning this week. i won't go monday, except to weights. i'll probably go tuesday and wednesday before work, but not on thursday.

getting closer...

5 days, 1 hour, 21 minutes, and 28 seconds

and then there were three

liz moved (half) her stuff out last night. quite awkward when her dad came to help her take stuff home and said hi to erin and i. very weird. but...not long after she left did we start talking about what we would be able to do once she was totally moved out (if/when that happens). a downside...mainly for steph...no more big love sac. but we would bring a futon over from erin's apartment. i guess we'll have to wait and see what happens in the next week/after break. should be interesting.

ah, time for the last two classes of the semester!

6 days, 9 hours, 57 minutes, and 27 seconds until it's all over.

an update...

so apparently the box for me to send my ipod into apple is on the way and should be here tomorrow (hopefully). and then they told me they'll send me a new one (if they find it to be broken...which it is, so they'd freaking better) and it should be here within 5-7 days. brian said he got his two days later, so hopefully i'll have that kind of luck so that i'll have it before i go home for break. it would suck to not have it for three and a half weeks, but i think i could survive. i'm just happy that they say they'll fix it for free. but they made sure i understood that i'd be responsible for any other repairs after this, which makes me hate apple because they know its going to break again...they always do. i wish i could remove myself from the grips of apple. i'll work on it.

something else...a few close friends here (steph, kate, and maybe sometimes brian) know of the struggles going on in mcgloin 325. an update is in order because a huge thing just happened an hour ago...

so liz is under the impression she is the only one who lives here and if she does ever realize other people do live here, she just doesn't give a shit. anytime she takes a shower, she locks the bathroom door. now let me take a second to explain how mcgloin rooms are set up. there are four people in one suite, two to each bedroom. there is a common living room and bathroom. the bathroom is set up so that there is a shower, shower changing area thing, two sinks, and a toilet all contained in one room (toilet has a door and there is a curtain separating the sinks from the changing area and another curtain separating the shower from the changing area...if that makes sense) with one door off of the living room. one would assume that since there are two curtains separating the shower from the sinks and the toilet (and another door if we're talking about the toilet), that it would be unnecessary and absolutely ridiculous to lock the outside door and thus preventing the other three roommates from being able to get into the sinks or toilet at all. but yea, so she locks the outside door every time she takes a shower. if you knock while she's in there asking her to open the door, she won't do it until she's totally done in there. essentially, if you have to go to the bathroom, need to brush your teeth, or need water from the sinks (ie for cooking something or as refreshment), you're screwed. this situation is even worse if the bladder is extremely full or if you are in a hurry and need to, say, brush your teeth before you go to class.

anyway...this has been going on for a long time. last week, while she was in the shower, i was working on homework in my room and really had to go to the bathroom, so i knocked on the door and when i asked if she could open the door, i got an incredibly bitchy response: (in quite the valley-girl-esque voice) "ummm, no. i'm in the middle of a shower! (emphasis on shower)" and in return, i said, "maybe you shouldn't lock the door then." that was the end of that...she talked shit about me to our other two roommates, erin and ashley, who are on my side in the matter. then, already twice this week, ashley has needed to get into the bathroom while liz was taking a shower, so then the same thing happened. they got into a confrontation about it, blah blah blah. so yesterday afternoon, ashley and erin shoved a bunch of cotton balls and other random things (cardboard, blue gooey sticky stuff, tin foil, etc) and taped it in there with electrical tape so that the door wouldn't lock. finally, today she went to take a shower and apparently found that she was unable to lock the door. erin and ashley were at lunch, so i was the only person here. so, i was in my room listening to music and about to start working on my paper when she storms into my room and starts yelling at me for taping the door so she couldn't lock it. i, of course, told her i didn't do it (in complete honesty because i didn't do it and had only heard about it from erin and ashley). she didn't beleive me and went on to bitch about how i should talk to her when something happens instead of "writing little notes" (reference to the note i left on the tv a couple months ago). i responded to that argument very well. (seriously...people should know not to argue with an ex-four year debater) then she started talking about how i talk shit to her two best friends (talking about erin and ashley). whatever, i responded to that as well. she didn't have anything to say in return, so she just walked out of the room, so i jumped up and went out into the living room (where all the stuff that previously had been shoved in the door was now all over the floor because she's a brat like that) and said, "i didn't do that to the door...why don't you ask your two best friends (emphasis on best friends)." she decided to ignore me after that. i'm pretty sure i won the argument.

we'll see how things go this evening once we're all back in the room at the same time. should be interesting...

back to being pissed off at apple again

so, after my 45 minutes of being on hold (and getting nothing accomplished), i talked to two very nice women in customer relations. i told the first one my story and she said she would authorize a covered repair of my ipod since it broke before the warranty expired, etc. so she transferred me to another woman. i explained everything to her and she agreed with the first one and said she would set up the case report, authorize the repair, and all that. she took my information and then at one point said she had to put me on hold to do something (i couldn't hear what she said), and a few minutes later, i got cut off. ARRRRRRRRGH! yep...now, i hate apple again. especially since i called them back and told the operator lady who i had been cutt off, who i had been talking to, and what i was talking to her about. she took the serial number of my ipod as if she was going to find who i had been talking to, but then when she came back, she said she was going to put me back in the queue. i told her that it was shitty customer relations and that i'll complain about that too whenever i get to talk to someone. grr. oh, and now boys of summer is playing on hold AGAIN. what bullshit. i've now been on the phone with apple for an hour and 45 minutes.
so much for getting something done tonight.

oooooooh!

just as i was about to hang up, i got a real person.

apple's hold music is so interesting

while i'm sitting here on hold waiting to make my complaint to apple, i decided to do something more productive than stalking people on facebook, so here i am.

a note on the hold music: one song was some weird middle-eastern-sounding music, the last song was the boys of summer (cover, not original), and now we've moved to some rap. i don't know what demographic they're looking for...i'm certainly not it though.

"all of our representatives are still busy" (i've heard that a few times now)

anyway, i had my two presentations today - physics and native american studies. physics went alright...it was kinda long though. definitely longer than everyone else's, but i know we got everything in. native american studies wasn't as good. my part of the presentation went fine, so that's what i'm worried about. and i told bucko that in my evaluation of the presentation, so we'll see.

tonight, my goal is to get a majority of my world lit paper done (due thursday), and i also have to do my regular physics reading quiz. tomorrow i will have to finish whatever i don't get done tonight, and i also have mastering physics due on thursday afternoon. it would be good to be able to start going over native american studies for our review on thursday, but i'm not sure that will happen. it all depends on how much i get done tonight and tomorrow afternoon.

i am waiting to hear from fr. bucko as to if he will let me take the final before thursday since i have three scheduled for that day and i have enough trouble with physics when its the only thing i have going on. we shall see.

i was hoping that posting would fill the time until someone picked up the phone at apple, but that hasn't happened yet. i'm not sure what else i have to talk about.

the big things i have to take care of this weekend will be studying for biology (that one is going to be a killer...) and writing my research paper for ethics. i have all my research, i just haven't actually done anything with it yet. i also have to do my journals for ethics, but i am hoping that it won't take too long. i need to get to work on all three of those things pretty quick though. it just seems that i don't have enough time in the day to work on everything until the day before it is due. that is a serious problem, but i can't change it.

this week has started rolling, and i am not going to be able to slow any of it down until i walk out of that physics final on thursday night. and even then, i'll have to come back and pack before i take the train home that night.

i am ready to go home. i am looking forward to snowboarding, golfing, and hanging out with the people i haven't seen in a long time. i am planning on going snowboarding with ben at some point over break. he doesn't know much about it yet except that i told him we're going. (*hold music UPDATE: solsbury hill, peter gabriel...damn good song, but i'm still on hold and that is pissing me off.*) i probably won't talk to him until i get home because he never answers his phone, but he'll know soon enough.

six degrees here in omaha right now. it was -1 when i got back from class this morning at 10:50...makes me wonder what it was when i left for practice this morning. although, i've realized that the wind usually isn't blowing when i go to practice, so it tends to feel colder later in the day. its snowing in denver right now and i am quite jealous. if its going to be this cold, it might as well be snowing.

and i'm about to hang up because i hate being on hold for extended periods of time (which, to me, counts as more than 10 minutes)...and i'm going on 40 here, so i think i'm done.

au revoir

9 days, 1 hour, 31 minutes, 29 seconds until this semester is over.

undoubtedly one of the worst nights

i usually go to bed between 9:45 and 10:15. its 1:30 in the morning. i am close to freaking out. not because i'm busy and can't spare the time to sleep...no, no. i was in bed at 10:15 tonight. i was fine. i had music. i had a dark room. and my luck tonight just had to be that i wasn't fully asleep when ashely came back into the room to go to bed (which always involves at least half an hour of reading shitty gossip magazines, and which are now the bane of my existence...i don't ever want to see another one). it isn't just the reading of these magazines that bothers me. its the use of her lamp, which is somehow brighter than the huge 2 foot light on our ceiling. so of course, this wakes me up and i am stuck laying in my bed trying to get my music loud enough to drown out the sound of the turning pages (which are constant because they're more of a picture book type thing to her...reading those articles is tough stuff, you know?), but quiet enough so that if for some reason, a miracle occured and i was able to ignore the blinding light and fall asleep that the music wouldn't keep me awake. tonight's half hour of fun was spent trying to restrain myself and not chuck one, or all three, of my pillows across the room at her pretty dumb head (friends reference, in case you missed it). somehow i kept myself from making ammo of my pillows, however a consequence of that was that my sanity is now gone. it is now after 1:30am, i am fucking exhausted, yet i cannot sleep. my only hope is that staring at a computer screen will make my eyes finally want to close for good...even though at the rate i'm going, i will be lucky to get an hour of sleep in before i have to wake up and go to practice. i have a feeling i will be sleeping through....yawn....physics and biology tomorrow. and i have no idea if i'll have enough energy to make it through work and then the NAS group meeting before i go to my appointment with the orthopedic guy at 4 (but apparently he sometimes doesn't even show up until after 5...gotta love the organization of the athletic training offices). another yawn. but i don't think i'm there yet. my other motivation to continue writing is the thought that PERHAPS the light from my laptop and the clicking of my typing is driving her as crazy as her magazing page-turning in light like a fake sun (something like a tanning machine to give her that nice fake tan...) was driving me. i didn't think it was possible at first, but as i was writing that last sentence, i heard some shifting around from her bed...ah, there it is again. maybe my goal has been reached. can i sleep yet, oh horrible torturing gods of night?

and i'll admit it right here...i don't know what those last few sentences mean...a good sign: loss of rational thinking. time for sleep, i can only hope.

i'll add this in here just for kicks...

10 days, 16 hours, 17 minutes, and 15 seconds until this wretched semester is over.

irreversibly screwed up.

tonight it has abundantly clear that i am trapped. i really don't have any place to turn. i don't know if i've ever felt as alone as i do now.

i could have sworn things were getting better, but there is always something there to fuck it up. why does it always happen? what do i keep doing wrong? those few days...i thought nothing would go wrong. i was so much happier than i've been in a long time.

i can't have feelings for anyone until i am able to get over you. and i know getting over you is going to be so hard to do, even though i want to be able to. or maybe i don't. i don't even know anymore. i don't know if it will even be possible until you leave. and i don't know how i am going to be able to deal with you leaving. not when everything here is a constant reminder of you. i am reminded of you even when i'm not here. you're in love with someone and it's certainly not me. i just can't be that person, as much as i've tried.

why can't we just get along? is it impossible for us to be friends now? i don't want it to be.

i think i'm doomed to be alone. i'm not ok with that.

'it's so hard to believe we're staring at the end.' but i've never stopped caring for you.