irreversibly screwed up.

tonight it has abundantly clear that i am trapped. i really don't have any place to turn. i don't know if i've ever felt as alone as i do now.

i could have sworn things were getting better, but there is always something there to fuck it up. why does it always happen? what do i keep doing wrong? those few days...i thought nothing would go wrong. i was so much happier than i've been in a long time.

i can't have feelings for anyone until i am able to get over you. and i know getting over you is going to be so hard to do, even though i want to be able to. or maybe i don't. i don't even know anymore. i don't know if it will even be possible until you leave. and i don't know how i am going to be able to deal with you leaving. not when everything here is a constant reminder of you. i am reminded of you even when i'm not here. you're in love with someone and it's certainly not me. i just can't be that person, as much as i've tried.

why can't we just get along? is it impossible for us to be friends now? i don't want it to be.

i think i'm doomed to be alone. i'm not ok with that.

'it's so hard to believe we're staring at the end.' but i've never stopped caring for you.