take me to neverland

i'm tired of all the bullshit that is going around. it is all too much for me, for everyone. but as we all look out for "number one," i guess that is really what i'm more worried about.

i want the holidays to be over with. but i don't want to go back to school. these are the times when i wish i could go back to grade school where things didn't seem to matter so much. there weren't extenuating circumstances that altered how good something was. it was what it was. i miss that.

i also don't feel like we can ever get through the holidays without someone getting sick or dying. this year it is pat, my dad's sister's mother-in-law. sure, it seems irrelevant to me personally, but it really isn't. it's affecting everything. she had a heart attack (and already has bone cancer) and isn't expected to last much longer. oddly enough, today is the anniversary of the day the same aunt had to make the decision to "pull the plug" on her husband (pat's son). it's tough, but what do you do? i question it all in times like these.

will we all be together through the years? no. definitely not.

the fact that i got into a fight with alyssa the other day isn't making things much better. i wish i weren't so contrary...there are many other words for it that i am unable to think of because contrary doesn't seem to describe it well. i don't know. i say that i don't want to put up with people who treat me and other people like we don't matter, but then i always do. i'm not sure there is a good solution to the situation. perhaps one day i will figure it out. either that, or i will go off and live on my own, secluded from society. just me, my music, and toro. or something.

welll, i must also be thankful for all the things i have. i am. i wish i could help all the people who have less. and i wish i could stop those of us who are the haves from being so greedy, myself included. i really want to make sure that i'm not snotty this year. i don't want to come out of christmas upset because i didn't get something i wanted. i'm ashamed to admit that i've done that in the past. not this year though. i'm going to be better about it. most of all, i am thankful that we will all be together at some point. i wish we could get along, but that is a lot to ask for...even of santa. i also wish that lynn could be out here with us. i wish morgan could still be here too. i don't think about her enough. i let her slip from my memory all too quickly. i need to work on that as well.

it seems i have my work cut out for me this christmas and this next year, but i will try.

i will also try to treat people better. especially a certain few. i'm truly sorry for all the pain and strife i've caused. i wish i could take it back. and still, more than ever, do i wish for the same thing i wished for when morgan died.

it should have been me instead of her.