a night with the freshmen

i've finally figured it out. thanks to a quirky book of steph's that cat and i were leafing through tonight.

i haven't let go yet. i haven't given up on it. and i don't know if i ever will. you didn't say it well, but that's not the only thing i'm clinging to. even if you had, i'm not sure it would be any different at all. it's not in me to give up. it feels like i've just doomed myself to unending misery in saying that, especially given what happened tonight. i can't even get one night with you, away from it. it is always there calling you back. and i don't know if i will ever be able to beat it. it hurts so much i don't want to think about it, but it is ever-present in my mind. always.

doomed.

screwed up.

unwilling to give up and try to forget what used to be there.

hope will get me through these long, agonizing days and nights.