far too long.

so, in the midst of working on a latin midterm, studying for theology, and procrastinating doing my physics reading quiz, i realized how much i miss being home already. going home was a lot of fun, but its hard being back here away from all the people i enjoy the most. and it certainly didn't help that i changed my little countdown widget to count down to the day i go home. may 15th. 75 days away. that number makes me want to cry.

i miss my mom, dad, and jay. (i'd miss brian a lot too, but i didn't get to see him this weekend because he was out of town. i still miss him though.) i miss sleeping with my cat. i miss pinehurst a lot. ben, paul, and bob. i'm going to miss jack like crazy this summer when he's not there. i'll miss alyssa too, if she decides not to come back. i miss my own bedroom and bathroom. and being able to walk upstairs and get food, sit on my own couch, and do laundry for free. and of course, i miss pissing jay off by whatever means it may be.

my only comfort comes in knowing that this week is midterms...only half a semester to go. and i think i'm going to be so busy that i'm not even going to realize how fast time is flying. well, i hope that at least. so much.

it makes me sad to think that i'm not going to be back home until may. i might just have to go home for easter if i can pull it off. it is also sad to know that i'm going to austin for break...when so many people are going to be in denver. especially steph and ben, who are both from texas. argh. bad timing.

i am, however, looking forward to some things. i'm not sure what they are exactly, but i do know there isn't all black clouds on the horizon. i'm sure there will be lots of fun times along the way and everything will be ok.

now i'm thinking that i don't want to come back to omaha at all over the summer. no class. no working out here. i just want to stay in denver, work at pinehurst, and have fun. is that so much to ask as my last summer as a teenager? i still want to be a kid.

but first, i have to make it through this week.
wednesday:
theology test

thursday:
andrew's birthday
english lit exam (gonna be a tough one!)
english lit essay (due at midnight)

friday:
load boats on trailer.
pack for austin.

saturday:
leave for austin (5am)

in the books.

that's about it for artma 2006. except for all the stuff with money, etc. but, it's over for me.

yesterday was one of the longest and most exhausting days ever. we started at 9:30 trying to finish up various odds and ends before we were out of time. i got sent on quite a few errands that required driving across town. first i had to drive over to joan's to find some disks to get the computer systems up and running (didn't end up working anyway, but oh well). then i had to go over to the rental place to get the rest of the table skirts (they apparently can't count to four, but luckily i didn't have to go back). and then later on, i was recruited to drive out to the tech center to get the disks that would eventually get everything going. i had to go to this place called data 393, which made me feel like i was in a a mission impossible movie because this place had such an intense security system. it was kinda crazy. all i'll i could get out of joan about it is that they have a whole bunch of people's information stored there. i dunno. still fun though.

when i finally got back from that (and getting chipotle and jamba juice), i was sent to help cut 200 pounds of cheese. that was a blast. then i had to come back home to change into my nice clothes and rushed back to get there when i was supposed to be back. after a few slight setbacks, everything went alright.

we'll see how the final tally comes out once everything gets added up.

we finally got out of there at 11:15 or so. my feet were absolutely killing me and i had to change back into jeans and birks before we even left. i called ben, but didn't get an answer, and i was kinda relieved because then i was free to go to bed. so i brushed my teeth, put on my sweats, and read some hp before i fell asleep. that didn't last though. my phone started ringing, and before i even knew what was going on, i had answered it. and ben talked me into driving over to his apartment...at 12:30. we hung out and watched random bits of tv while we talked until 4:30. it was a lot of fun getting to see him again after having not talked to him in such a long time. and hopefully i'll make it over to pinehurst tomorrow while him and bob-o are doing inventory so i can hang out with them for a little bit before my flight leaves.

and now its 5pm. what's left for tonight?
at the very least
- editing my paper real quick before i email it to burk
- email duda to tell him i won't be in class tomorrow
- physics reading quiz (but, oops, i don't have my book here...should be interesting)
- mastering physics (should also be interesting)
- study some english lit (we'll see if i actually get around to it - i really need to though)

we'll see what happens.

and i'm here.

it's been a long day even though i didn't do much while i was still in omaha today. i skipped physics because i just wasn't in the mood to go to class after that test on thursday, plus we didn't have practice this morning, so i got to sleep in until almost 9! that's a huge deal for me. i went to the other three classes and worked for about an hour. after work, i went to the bookstore to get andrew's birthday present (one of those beanies with the bills on the back...i hate them, but he thinks he's a skater, so he'll like it). then i headed back to my room to pack before i left for the airport.

steph and i left for the airport at like 3:30ish. i checked in at 3:42, and my flight started boarding at 3:55. good timing. it was a tiny, uncomfortable plane, but we left a little early, so i was ok with it...AND i got about 2 pages of my bio paper written (perhaps i should be working on that now while i'm here not doing much on a friday night...) during the flight.

my mom picked me up from dia and we headed straight to LSI (lighting services inc - the building we have artma at - it's a sound stage...they've done scenes from some notable movies). i got a few minutes to catch up with people i haven't seen in a long time (my aunt, nikki, bari, etc) and i got to make a quick run-through to glimpse at the pieces for this year. then it was time to get working...we spent a few hours stapling drink tickets into the program dealies, and then putting the pens in those. we didn't get finished, so it continued when we got home. plus, the other half of the programs will be delivered tomorrow morning and we'll have to do the same for all those...i can't wait.

after i got home, i had to run over to one of the stores i loathe the most (kohl's) before it closed at 10 to get black pants for the event tomorrow. on the way, i decided i needed to call an old friend to remind him that i'm back in town. i talked to him for a long time and i am waiting for him to call me back because he had to go put nicholas to bed. perhaps he won't call me back, but i'll call him tomorrow night after artma gets finished up (whatever time that might be...who knows).

we'll see how it all goes.

all i know is that it is good to be home. i've got my bed, my family, and my cat...it's all very good. now i've just gotta work on getting that paper written and seeing a few people.

i'm going home...

now!

a long, long day

that i don't really want to talk about.

all that matters is that i'm leaving for home in 17 hours, 24 minutes, and 51 seconds.

so goodnight, and here's a little dave to end the night...

hey, my friend
it seems your eyes are troubled
care to share your time with me
would you say you're feeling low and so
a good idea would be to get it off your mind

see you and me
have a better time than most can dream
have it better than the best
and so can pull on through
whatever tears at us
whatever holds us down
and if nothing can be done
we'll make the best of what's around

turns out not where, but who you're with
that really matters
that really matters
that really matters
and hurts not much when you're around
when you're around

and if you hold on tight
to what you think is your thing
you may find you're missing all the rest
she ran up into the light surprised
her arms are open
her mind's eye is

seeing things from a
better side than most can dream
on a better road i feel
so you could say she's safe
whatever tears at her
whatever holds her down
and if nothing can be done
she'll make the best of what's around

turns out not where, but what you think
that really matters
that really matters
that really matters
and hurts not much when you're around

so...incredibly...frustrating.

physics, that is.

i feel like i'm continually ramming my head into a brick wall. i wonder what the point is. does my physics grade have any affect on how skilled of an orthopedic surgeon i will be? i feel like it probably won't. but, will it affect the decision to admit me into med school? probably. i'm sure there are a million people out there who have better physics, chemistry, and biology grades than me.

i wonder what the future holds.

Personality?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

"E = the negative of the gradient of V"

gotta love that physics that i don't understand at all.

the exam is less than three days away. i'm scared. but at least i started studying last night instead of starting the night before like i usually end up doing. except, i'm going to have to spend all tomorrow night studying for latin and my bio lab exam. and wednesday night will be all physics. i can't wait.

so, in order to cheer me up: i leave for home in 90 hours and 35 minutes. that's pretty sweet.

back to physics notes i go.

look what i was thinking back in may

a few things...
- don't judge people. let their identites unfold in front of you.
- stop spending money. don't buy unnecessary things. don't get upset about the small stuff.
- smile at the things that should be smiled at: nature, other people, kindness...
- laugh at the things that should be laughed at: yourself.
- relax. you've got time.
- enjoy the everyday and the not so everyday events of life.
- take it one day at a time. one day. one hour. one moment. every moment.

the question of yesterday: are we, the nonconformists, conforming to nonconformity?

the question of today: why am i unhappy?

the question of tomorrow: how do i make it better?

"everything will be okay in the end. if its not okay, then its not the end."
- a good end to my questions...

everything will be alright.

just believe.

and now for the contradiction of the evening:
do some real thinking...figure some things out. who are you? what do you want? what's important? why do you do the things you do - for you or for someone else? are your feelings real or have you been deceived?
think about it.

the very best way to wake up at 1:30 in the morning

a call from ben.

i was quite sure he had forgotten about me until now.

and now i can't wait to go home so that i get to see them all again.

i just wish jack weren't leaving pinehurst for good. this summer is going to be so different than last summer. but, he's finally got his baby. jacob john lyle.

a mello night

i enjoyed its simplicity. and it was well spent.

after weights, i took a shower and then had dinner with carla down in the java jay (i'm so tired of tomatoes and onions on my grilled cheese!). i came back here and got some homework done. not as much as i would have hoped in retrospect, but more than any other friday night thus far. at least i finished latin and theology for monday. and i got some ideas for my bio paper, which i will be working on tomorrow morning when i meet colie to go research at the library. i was also able to finish off the last of the mohicans because i only got an hour into it last night before i started falling asleep. aside from working on bio, i would like to get some physics and/or bio lab studying done for the coming exams this week. i would be ok with tomorrow night being similar to tonight, but i'm not sure it will happen. we'll see.

i have eleven people for my soccer team thus far, plus three or four other people who may be able to play with us. i'm not sure how many players would be ideal. i know that last year's team had far too many people on it, but i don't want to get screwed if people can't show up for some games. i guess we'll see how it goes. i'll try not to get too competitive...

and now it's time for bed so that i can get more than seven hours of sleep for once.

for good measure.

i'm glad it's already wednedsay night. this week has gone pretty quickly so far. today, especially, went fast. i left my room at 8 this morning and didn't get back here until 6 tonight. i think the bio test went pretty well, but i won't know for sure until i go look at the key or wait to get it back. we'll see. it definitely helped a lot that i was able to spend the last hour and a half or so of work studying (and getting paid for it...gotta love that).

tonight, i need to do mastering physics, read morte d' arthur (yea, i said i needed to finish it over the weekend, but i'm still not anywhere close to finishing), and perhaps work on my physics lab a little bit. aside from homework, i need to take a shower and watch apolo ohno race at 9. aside from that, we'll see.

who doesn't like getting mail?

especially unexpected packages.

my mom and dad sent me a box of valentine's day goodies: a cute card, ghirardelli chocolates, cherry cordial kisses, and some unorthodox valentine's candy (fruit snacks and some gum).

i wasn't expecting it at all and it is such a coincidence that i even checked my mail today since it was the first time i've gone near my mailbox and the mail room since last semester's finals week. it definitely made my monday much better.

and a busy monday it was. it wasn't a whole lot different than any other MWF, but it felt so rushed. we had practice this morning, then i came back to my room and slept for about half an hour before getting ready for class and then i hurried over to becker to get my grab and go bagel before physics. the quiz in latin wasn't great, but the test in theology was ok (i think i missed two after having looked at the key online). after biology, i came back here to change and get my stuff for work, weights, and the bio review. i ended up getting stuck at work until 4:20 (even though i get off at 4 and needed to leave then to lift early) and then had to run over to the old gym. i did all my lifting in about 25 minutes, then headed back to rigge for the bio review from 5-6. i was planning on picking up my usual meal from the student center, but the line was outrageous. i bumped into nate there and we got quick, easy, and not-so-good pizza from the convenience store instead of waiting. we ate dinner and then i went up to his room to get my new bracelet (yay). and now i'm back here finally. wasting time as usual.

so, now it's time to give my parents a quick call to say hi and thank you and all that, and then it'll be time to do physics lab, english lit, and hopefully i'll have time for some biology.

my goal tonight is to stay away from watching the olympics. luckily they already started, so maybe i'll be able to...

written by a person i know...

february with its pepto bismal pink diabetic shock and cardboard love letters with pink hearts and kisses that avoid my black metal mailbox like a mother to be at a leprosy convention it is these dips and dives of irrationality that make one wonder if this life is a matter of chasing something that will never exist if those moments of psuedo gratification are nothing more than replacing the desire for the real with a moment of superficial stupidity she sees herself stretching out with cold arms and hands trying to clench the real, like a dehydrate reaches for a first glass of water, reaching reaching never grabbing a life of constant reaching chasing sublimation craving for fingers in hair or a palm on the small of her back or merely a thought that ignites her brain on fire craving touch to touch being touched and all those other prefixes suffixes suffocates they told her again that this town is spirit murder like quicksand pulling pulling down on her thighs into the fold they tell her live your life with passion live beauty live art live live live it its not a matter of taking yourself seriously, its a matter of recognizing the beauty in art live passion live passion live it eat it dream it drink it and that's what it is the human condition chasing passion chasing the real but never having and if you do have you don't and you clench clench with sugar rotten teeth hoping to hold on

leftovers

i'm quite lucky to know someone who is able to fix things i cannot. thanks are due to brian for getting rid of my problem.

sunday afternoon...never a very fun time.

i was fairly productive this morning. i got up around 9:30, took a shower, did my laundry, and did most of my studying for theology. after a relatively quick lunch at brandeis, i was back here working on my latin take-home quiz and extra credit, which i am almost done with.

things i still need to do today include,
for tomorrow:
study for latin quiz
review material for theology test
physics reading quiz

for tuesday:
read as much of morte d' arthur as possible (i have a feeling i won't be finishing this one for awhile)
physics lab predictions
read over bio lab

for wednesday:
study bio
physics reading quiz

in general:
decide on bio paper topic and send email
write bio paper
write relay for life donation letters
send relay emails

there are other things i am quite certain i am forgetting, but they'll come to me in time, i hope.

and, now i must get back to homework so i can watch apolo anton ohno race tonight.

oh, and so brian isn't still mad at me...all music lovers need to go to pandora.com...it really is a good way to find new music and the best part is being able to create your own station to play what you like. i'm definitely enjoying it.

Test

If I could just figure out how to get rid of that crazy A that comes at the end of every post title, I would be incredibly happy because other than that freaking thing, I really like the new design. Argh...of course.

19 hours and counting

it has been far too long of a day with lots of running around. 6 am practice for 2ks. 4 hours of class. three and a half hours of work. weights straight from work. that in and of itself is a lot for me. oh well...it's about over.

i think tomorrow i might have to break down and see if i can figure out what the hell is going on here.
that and lots of homework. perhaps some olympics. and then dinner. we're thinking p.f. chang's. it should be good.

finally friday

i had intended to take a nap (again) since i am obviously not in latin right now, but that fell through again. the tidal wave of artma emails has begun. i will apparently have an "official" position this year, and perhaps the other "adult" volunteers won't be such bitches to me since i'm such a "kid." i remember at the last artma (2004) i almost punched this guy (another volunteer) because he was such a condescending prick to me because i'm short and don't look my age. as it turned out, what he was "correcting" me for was really right and he truly had no idea what was going on. i should be nicer since people are trying to help artma and all that, but the thing that upsets me is that most of these people never knew morgan and have no idea what she was like and then they try to act all smug because they're "doing a good deed," or something like that. i'm not doing it to do a good deed. i'm doing it for morgan. because it's what she would have done. artma season always brings out so many different feelings in me, in my whole family. especially joan. the sadness of having lost morgan. the stress from being expected to do so many things. the anger at people who are trying to do things their own way when we've being doing things just fine from the beginning before they ever showed up. the frustration at fellow members of the family who aren't helping as much as we think they should be. tempers flare. harsh words come flying out of our mouths. all because we've forgotten what we're really doing there. i wish i could be back in denver doing more than i have. i am just thankful i am able to go home for it. i'll have to keep going as long as i can.

anyway...

it's been a long week. it felt incredibly quick until it got to wednesday, then everything slowed down significantly. i've got two more classes today (theology and bio), then 3 hours of work, then weights. i plan on going to weights straight from work so i can get started lifting early and then get out of there by 5:30 or so. let's hope the locker room door doesn't break again (although, it was a sight to see 20 or so girls from different sports teams squished into the hallway waiting for the maintenance guy to unlock the door). i'm not sure what steph and i will do tonight, but i'm sure it will include sex and the city and a trip to the grocery store. perhaps we'll go out to dinner somewhere. i'm excited to watch some of the olympics this weekend and i know they will provide a great distraction throughout the next two weeks...eek.

tomorrow, we have a team meeting (for 2 and a half hours!) at 3 or so. should be interesting. i'm still working on trying to fit into the group, but it is tough since there seem to be so many different groups within the team.

homework for the weekend:
study for theology test (monday)
latin take home quiz, extra credit, and studying for in-class quiz (monday)
start studying for biology test (wednesday)
finish reading le morte d' arthur (tuesday)
physics lab, reading, quiz, etc.

it has been a long time since i've really talked to someone. i've sort of just been walking around in my own little world, disconnected from the universe, as i realized yesterday. i wonder if i've ever been really interconnected to the universe. i don't even know what that means anyway.

i miss talking to brian. perhaps he's been busy, or maybe things have changed for good now. i don't know. i hope they haven't. congratulations on mcgill. i'm sorry i didn't get to hear it from you.

wrong turn

i'm feeling quite disconnected from the universe right now. i'm not sure what she's trying to tell me. i want to know why she would put me in the middle of a deserted hall with him. such a temptation. and of course, i couldn't resist. but now i'll just forget about it. or try at least.

i'm working on learning to listen to her better. i need to turn off all the noise and take a good look. especially now that i have this decision to make. i know that i'm going to have to make it soon, but i don't want to. i want to put it off for as long as i can.


and i'll wait here for now
just long enough to be sure
that you really don't want to go through with this
because i don't really want to go through with this
do you really want to go through with this?

a la jack johnson's new album

less worrying

i found out this morning that we got the room we wanted in davis, so that will hopefully make things a lot easier when the end of the semester rolls around. that's one thing off my back, at least.

we got our physics tests back this morning. i did better than i thought i was going to, but not great. still below the class average, but not by much. another thing i don't need to worry about now that i know.

matt atchison called me back last night about the internship this summer and we're going to meet tomorrow morning. i'm just glad i didn't have to hunt him down like my mom was suggesting.

two days without latin will be nice, especially friday. although, i was planning on taking a nap during this time. oh well, too many things to do. too much music to download (e.g. the new jack johnson album which is the curious george soundtrack and the iron and wine live album from itunes).

it's only wednesday, yet i'm already thinking about all the things i need to do this weekend. crew meeting on satuday. theology test on monday. biology exam on wednesday (and i really need to start studying for it).

and now i think i'll lay down for 15 minutes just because i can.

back to normal, eh?

yea, it's 12:30 in the morning. i have to get up in 5 and a half hours. and yes, i am awake.

i cannot wait until steph and i are living in davis next year, when we'll have our own rooms away from roommates forever!

too bad that's not for a long time. at least once this year is over, i won't ever have to do it again.

on that note, i'm pretty excited for the summer and my own bedroom. i guess that means i really don't want to be in omaha this summer...though, i never really thought i did want to. i guess we'll see.

damn, i was hoping a few minutes of loud, angry typing would get my point across.

the next step is throwing things...or yelling. i'm not sure which. perhaps both.

argh.

a new beginning

and now i can move on.

bloody sunday

yep, given all the news i've received in the last hour, i kind of really want to throw up. thinking about all these things is so distressing. i don't know what to do. i think i was ok yesterday, but now everything from friday night is coming flooding back.

no one ever likes to know that they're replaceable. that's what i feel like now. replaced. and forgotten. there's even another one of me. it's not me being talked about. and that makes it all so real. i've been replaced by someone with the same name. how perfect.

i just want to forget about it and get through the day, and then it will be the week and i will be consumed with my busy daily schedule of practice, class, work, homework, and sleep. i won't have time to think of all this pain, but of course it will still be there. seeping out of my heart into the rest of my body.

and that's enough for today. i won't allow myself to feel it anymore. ...ah, i wish i could pull that off. oh well, it was a good try at least.

i just want some consistency. is that too much to ask for?

green to red

looking back through time, you know it's clear that i've been blind, i've been a fool to ever open up my heart.

i can't explain anything right now. this really is the haze now.

nothing is like it should be. or maybe it all is, just for you.

we go back and forth. a tug of war. only the whole thing isn't real. you think you're winning, but you're really not. and when i think i'm winning, it's actually already over and i just can't see it. what i see isn't reality. neither is what you see. we've each created our own.

i'm stuck in a dream. chasing something. something i can't even see. i reach out for it. and then i fall. down below the nothingness in my mind. and the pain is there. there where there isn't anything at all.

i'll be a shadow of a memory soon. but how soon? when will you let me slip away? tomorrow? next week? or have you already? did i slip, or was i thrown? do you even know?

the best part is that you've known the whole time, yet somehow it's my fault because i didn't explicitly say it. or did i? were you just not listening? should i even have needed to say it?

none of that all matters though.

how are we going to deal with this now?

bring me that abyss for the time being.