reflecting
Monday, July 24, 2006
After my day that started at 5am followed by thirteen hours of work, I'm sitting on my porch taking some time to try to figure out what's really going on.
Superficial observations:
My allergies are killing me despite the huge Claritin D I took this morning. I was fine until I got home and sat down on the couch. Either I'm becoming more and more allergic to Toro as time progresses, or the medicine just happened to stop working right when I sat down. It doesn't really matter which one it is because its killing me either way you look at it.
Once again, Paul has failed to call me back. I don't know why it surprises me anymore, especially since it seems to happen every single day. Something's going on there that isn't so superficial.
There is still the remnants of paint on my leg from Thursday night when I was at Lara's helping to get her new house ready to be completely moved into. There are a hierarchy of reasons as to why paint from four days ago is still on my skin, but that is far too insignificant to discuss.
It feels like nearly every part of my body is sore. My feet are killing me (I need to stop washing carts barefoot), I have a few huge knots in my neck and shoulders, the extreme sunburn on my chest and stomach is beginning to peel, my nose continues to run, and my eyes are incredibly itchy.
Work wasn't very fun today. I can't say last Monday was much better, but both days had their drawbacks and upsides. At least we made some money today...and we got good food.
Things of, perhaps, some greater consequence:
Recently, I have been thinking about some of the people that I have let slip out of my life far too easily. Today, I stumbled upon quite a few memories of Alyssa Brink. We spent nearly every day together last summer, yet now we don't talk at all. It was her birthday on Saturday and I didn't even call her. Why? Pride, perhaps. I had convinced myself that I had been the "bigger person" in the relationship, but I'm not quite sure that's entirely accurate. True, I have sent her a few messages that have not been responded to, but does that qualify as enough effort on my part? This time last year, I would never have expected that we would be at a point where we hadn't talked in months. We would probably be out waiting for Ben and Jeff to call us so we could go meet them and have a good night. It is amazing how drastically different things are now. Depressing, too. I am continually reminded of a line from a not so good movie...
"Its funny how things work out."
"Its funny how they don't."
It would be foolish for a person to claim that they understand life entirely, but I cannot even claim to understand it one bit. Pretty much all of the time I feel like I am whirling about grabbing on to the things I think are important, but then I realize that what I let go of was far more significant than what I was aiming for.
I find that I have very little of an idea of what I want to do with my life. Since I've returned to Pinehurst, so many people have asked me about my college career...where I go to school, what I'm studying, what I intend to do with my life at some point.
The answers are always the same.
Creighton University (and then I have to elaborate and add the information that Creighton is located in Omaha, Nebraska due to the blank stares that I usually receive).
English, Pre-Med (and then comes the typical response, "English, Pre-Med?!?" with such disbelief and confusion).
Orthropaedic surgeon. (at this point in the conversation, the person has already lost interest for at least one of a number of reasons.)
The point is that I really have no idea. Each of the three answers is technically true, but sometimes I just don't know. I hate the idea that when it comes time, I won't get into medical school and then I'll be another statistic and another one of those people that gets used as an example of the ones who couldn't cut it. Maybe I will never see half of the people I tell these things to ever again, but even if I don't, it would still be true. Just another one of those people...
Sometimes I entertain the thought of giving up on my medical school dreams before I have to face the reality of rejection. And then what? What can you do with an English degree with a heavy amount of science coursework? Honestly, I have no idea. Become an English teacher perhaps, but that doesn't seem like it would satisfy me entirely. Maybe it would. Maybe I will never know.
I have digressed immensely.
I worry about the people I have let slip from my life, either by means of death, negligence, ignorance, enmity, or pure randomness.
I can think of a few people who have had an enormous impact on my life. Attempting to imagine life without them pains me greatly. But what if they become just another person I let go? Would I be the person I am today if I had held on to more of those people? If I had allowed more to disappear? I can only hope that the answer is no, for if it is not, I would be forced to give up on this world. In my heart, I know individuals impact each other more than that world would allow, so for now, I have no choice but to accept that I would not be who I am without every person I have met, those I know, and those I never got the chance to know.
I have much more to say, but I just lost all of my energy. It is undoubtedly time to sleep.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but all I can do is try to make the best of it. And try not to get into any trouble.
Preparing for the long day ahead
Friday, July 07, 2006
I need to finish packing and then meet Lane at 12:15 to head over to the airport. My flight leaves at 1:45 and gets into Denver at 2:15. I will most likely be picked up by my grandpa instead of Joan who was supposed to do it because he insisted...that's just the way he is. I'm not looking forward to it. I love him to death, but he makes everything so much more complicated than necessary.
Once I get back, I need to re-pack for Boston in a different bag. I told Brian I would stop by his house since I haven't seen him since Easter. Then I need to go to Pinehurst to get another staff shirt and a pair of shorts, as well as my schedule since I start the day we get back from Boston. After that, I will hopefully be hanging out with Ben.
Jay left me a message that said we were leaving for DIA at 8:30. RIDICULOUS! Our flight doesn't leave until 11:40. He's crazy. Perhaps he is becoming more and more like Grandpa John every day.
I guess I'd better finish packing!
a revival
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
today was the first time i've ever been away from home, family, and friends on the 4th of july. it doesn't seem like a big deal and perhaps it isn't, but it was certainly a change. i think the strangest thing was not watching the pinehurst fireworks, which i think i have done every single year since we've always lived so close to pinehurst, plus being at the course for them last year.
despite not being in colorado, i still had a pretty good day. i relaxed last night and watched a movie and was able to sleep in until 9 this morning. i moved all of my stuff out of steph's room (which i had been using as storage for the stuff i was too lazy to unpack back in may) and into mine. i wrote the two exam essays that are due tomorrow and then i watched the italy-germany semifinal match. it was an uneventful game until the last 2 minutes of overtime (over 119 minutes into the match) when italy scored twice. even though i dislike a lot of the german players, i am still disappointed they lost since i am, indeed, part german.
after the game, i headed over to the farm (my great grandma's old farm where charlie will soon live and my aunt audrey's modular house is going up next door to charlie's house) for the baber get-together. i had a lot of fun...more, in fact, than i had expected. we grilled burgers and hot dogs, rode the go-carts, played badmitton (is that spelled correctly?), played volleyball, and tried unsuccessfully to keep the small children from interfering with the "big kids" badmitton games. once it got dark, we started the fireworks show, which was quite dramatic....
a few minutes in, tom (one of my second cousins) lit a big triangular artillery block with 10 shells. the first one went off fine and was pretty sweet. all of a sudden, the second one shot out of the side of the block, ricocheted off of the kids inflatable pool, and headed towards the picnic table where carolyn (charlie's girlfriend), max (my 6 year old third cousin), and i were sitting along with the huge box of fireworks. it landed at carolyn and my feet and then exploded again where it burned our legs and shot up at our faces. carolyn tried to push max away while i ran around to the other side of the table to get him. as i grabbed him and started running around the other side of the house, another of the shells (or perhaps the same one...no one really knows) exploded in front of us and i had to just run right through it. it was crazy. max was freaking out, as well as all the other moms on the other side of the house. luckily, there were only a few minor injuries...small burns on my legs, and a cut/bruise on carolyn's leg where she ran into the picnic table when she was trying to get max. needless to say, it made things pretty interesting. but after that, max and his little brother simon refused to sit outside to watch the rest of the fireworks, so they sat in joe's jeep and watched from there.
one of the good things about nebraska is that the cool fireworks (ones that actually leave the ground, etc) are actually legal. but at the same time, i don't remember ever having to run away from sparklers and crappy fountains back home.
happy 4th. remember what's been sacrificed for us to live the way we do...integrity, ethics, and the lives of the countless people we have taken advantage of over the years.