reflecting

After my day that started at 5am followed by thirteen hours of work, I'm sitting on my porch taking some time to try to figure out what's really going on.

Superficial observations:

My allergies are killing me despite the huge Claritin D I took this morning. I was fine until I got home and sat down on the couch. Either I'm becoming more and more allergic to Toro as time progresses, or the medicine just happened to stop working right when I sat down. It doesn't really matter which one it is because its killing me either way you look at it.

Once again, Paul has failed to call me back. I don't know why it surprises me anymore, especially since it seems to happen every single day. Something's going on there that isn't so superficial.

There is still the remnants of paint on my leg from Thursday night when I was at Lara's helping to get her new house ready to be completely moved into. There are a hierarchy of reasons as to why paint from four days ago is still on my skin, but that is far too insignificant to discuss.

It feels like nearly every part of my body is sore. My feet are killing me (I need to stop washing carts barefoot), I have a few huge knots in my neck and shoulders, the extreme sunburn on my chest and stomach is beginning to peel, my nose continues to run, and my eyes are incredibly itchy.

Work wasn't very fun today. I can't say last Monday was much better, but both days had their drawbacks and upsides. At least we made some money today...and we got good food.

Things of, perhaps, some greater consequence:

Recently, I have been thinking about some of the people that I have let slip out of my life far too easily. Today, I stumbled upon quite a few memories of Alyssa Brink. We spent nearly every day together last summer, yet now we don't talk at all. It was her birthday on Saturday and I didn't even call her. Why? Pride, perhaps. I had convinced myself that I had been the "bigger person" in the relationship, but I'm not quite sure that's entirely accurate. True, I have sent her a few messages that have not been responded to, but does that qualify as enough effort on my part? This time last year, I would never have expected that we would be at a point where we hadn't talked in months. We would probably be out waiting for Ben and Jeff to call us so we could go meet them and have a good night. It is amazing how drastically different things are now. Depressing, too. I am continually reminded of a line from a not so good movie...
"Its funny how things work out."
"Its funny how they don't."
It would be foolish for a person to claim that they understand life entirely, but I cannot even claim to understand it one bit. Pretty much all of the time I feel like I am whirling about grabbing on to the things I think are important, but then I realize that what I let go of was far more significant than what I was aiming for.
I find that I have very little of an idea of what I want to do with my life. Since I've returned to Pinehurst, so many people have asked me about my college career...where I go to school, what I'm studying, what I intend to do with my life at some point.
The answers are always the same.
Creighton University (and then I have to elaborate and add the information that Creighton is located in Omaha, Nebraska due to the blank stares that I usually receive).
English, Pre-Med (and then comes the typical response, "English, Pre-Med?!?" with such disbelief and confusion).
Orthropaedic surgeon. (at this point in the conversation, the person has already lost interest for at least one of a number of reasons.)
The point is that I really have no idea. Each of the three answers is technically true, but sometimes I just don't know. I hate the idea that when it comes time, I won't get into medical school and then I'll be another statistic and another one of those people that gets used as an example of the ones who couldn't cut it. Maybe I will never see half of the people I tell these things to ever again, but even if I don't, it would still be true. Just another one of those people...
Sometimes I entertain the thought of giving up on my medical school dreams before I have to face the reality of rejection. And then what? What can you do with an English degree with a heavy amount of science coursework? Honestly, I have no idea. Become an English teacher perhaps, but that doesn't seem like it would satisfy me entirely. Maybe it would. Maybe I will never know.
I have digressed immensely.
I worry about the people I have let slip from my life, either by means of death, negligence, ignorance, enmity, or pure randomness.
I can think of a few people who have had an enormous impact on my life. Attempting to imagine life without them pains me greatly. But what if they become just another person I let go? Would I be the person I am today if I had held on to more of those people? If I had allowed more to disappear? I can only hope that the answer is no, for if it is not, I would be forced to give up on this world. In my heart, I know individuals impact each other more than that world would allow, so for now, I have no choice but to accept that I would not be who I am without every person I have met, those I know, and those I never got the chance to know.

I have much more to say, but I just lost all of my energy. It is undoubtedly time to sleep.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but all I can do is try to make the best of it. And try not to get into any trouble.