Making up

Well, week 1 is over (all three days of it) and weekend 1 is coming to a close as well. I haven't gotten much accomplished other than finishing the book, Saturday, for my English & American Lit class. With three English classes, I'm having serious difficulty separating one from the other, especially since there are a large number of people in all three with me. On one hand, that is kinda cool, since we will probably form a pretty tight-knit group, but on the other hand, I may get bored quickly that way. There are a few people I already loathe having a class with, but hopefully I will be able to ignore them as much as possible. We'll see about that.

Other than read Saturday, I have been unable to stay awake while attempting to get any other assignments done. I also had trouble with that while reading Saturday, but not as much. I'm pretty sure that I'm making up for all the sleep I didn't get while I was home having a bit too much fun with Ben and all that. I also think that sleeping is the best way for me to ignore all the things I don't want to think about....missing home, missing Ben, Paul, Lara, and Pinehurst, insecurities about the coming semester and season, and the fact that I have 47 more days here before I'll be back home for Fall Break.
All that, and sleeping is pretty good procrastination from doing stupid assignments, like reading a 15 page "introduction" to a 40 year chunk of time that is ridiculously condensed and summarized to fit into those 15 pages. Another factor of today's lethargy is almost certainly partially attributed to the overcast 73 degree weather here in Omaha. I like the temperature, but there's pretty much no sun whatsoever.

Tomorrow is going to be physically and mentally draining, so hopefully I can get myself in gear and get my homework (for tomorrow at least) done, so that I can relax a little tonight and get to bed at a decent hour. The schedule...

5:00am ish - Wake up and get ready
5:30 am - Meet in Gallagher for practice (Inside? No one knows for sure. Ridiculous.)
7:30 am - Breakfast with the team whenever practice ends?
9:30 am - Orgo
10:30 am - English & American Lit
11:30 am - Lunch with Cat
12:15ish - Return two books to the bookstore (because I'm an idiot and I already own them together in one book.)
2:30 pm - Orgo Lab (Professor unknown, since apparently Dr. De La Cruz may or may not be teaching this semester.)
5:20 pm - Run to Training Room as soon as lab is over for my Physical, or part of it
6:00 pm - Middle Eastern World with Calvert
8:30 pm - Back to Davis for dinner, homework, and sleep

Yea, I really need to get my homework done...tomorrow's and as much of Tuesday's as I can since I'm probably going to want to pass out when I get home tomorrow night.

46 days, 23 hours, 9 minutes until I'm back home.

Back in Omaha

Long day of funeral stuff, family, errands, and unpacking. I miss home a lot right now. I didn't really get to say proper goodbyes to a lot of people and that depresses me, specifically Ben, Paul, Jeff, Steven, and Bruce. I also never really saw Matt in the last two weeks, so I definitely didn't get to talk to him before I left. Oh well, I guess. I'll be back home for Fall Break in October for four or five days, so that is what I will focus on.

Tomorrow's schedule:

9:30 am - Organic Chem - Gross - HLS 188
10:30 am - English and American Literature - Ladino - Admin 436
4:30 pm - Trip to weight room to pick up some stuff and reclaim my locker
5:15 pm - Crew Physicals - CU Med Center

At some point, I also have to...
Get the rest of my books
Get my parking permit from Public Safety
Go to the store for a few things I forgot about today (new calendar, printer ink, etc.)

But for now its time to finish unpacking and fall asleep because I've been up since 3:30 am.

Packing up

Yes, here I am packing away what seems like a million things even though I've only been home for a little over a month. I've got less than 15 minutes to get done before my parents leave on their journey to Omaha. Jay and Brian are leaving tomorrow sometime. And then I'm flying out of Denver Tuesday morning at 7:25am (knock on wood....I'm flying standby so I can get back into Omaha in time for the funeral at 11am). Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I must say goodbye to Otis for a few days, and so I will be cutoff from most internet access, especially since I'll be working the next two days anyway.

Until I am back in Omaha...

everything is up in the air

Potential plan for the rest of my time in Denver...

Thursday:
Media Day at Children's Hospital for Concours d'Elegance - 9am
work at 1

Friday:
work at 1
possibly hanging out in Boulder with Marke

Saturday:
work 6:15-1

Sunday:
work at 1
Maybe my last night home, and I hope it is a good one with the boys.

Monday:
Brent's Place tournament, 1pm shotgun

After the viewing and funeral for Mr. Snapp on Monday and Tuesday, I really wasn't prepared for the news of my great grandmother's death early this afternoon. I also wasn't prepared for dealing with all the funeral crap all over again. I really do not want to leave any earlier than I was planning on. I understand that my mom wants all of us to be there, but I've got things planned for the next five days.

I sound like the most selfish person in the world, I'm sure. What am I going to do about that? Fuck. Try not to think about it for now,

Some time later...

And I seem to be in a similar position to the last time I really thought about things. For the last 24 hours, I have been entirely unable to rationalize anything that has gone on in my immediate universe. I've been in a complete daze all day long.

Last night, I found out that a good friend's dad died on Sunday. He wasn't very old and wasn't in horrible health, but he had a heart attack on a jetski in Hawaii, on vacation with the family visiting his son. Everytime I hear about someone dying suddenly and entirely unexpectedly, I can't help but go through all the emotions I had when Morgan died. I don't understand the world one bit, and these things make me more and more certain that there really is no rhyme or reason to anything and that there really isn't the "GOD" that so many people insist upon.

This is now the third time that the dad of a friend my age has died in the last three months. I can't even begin to imagine what it is going to be like for those people not to have a parent present at the huge events to come in their lives, like their college graduation, their wedding, the birth of their first child, and all the things parents are supposed to be around to see.

Things didn't get much better today when I got to work either. It didn't help that Lara's response to hearing about my friend's dad was, "they come in three's," which apparently means that I should be waiting for one more person to die here soon.
And then I was forced to face the reality of something that I didn't see coming. I thought things were one way, and it turns out they really aren't even close by any means. I feel horribly betrayed by him, and myself too. I haven't been able to decide if I'm more upset about being betrayed by him or myself though. I can't even untangle my thoughts and figure out what's going on in my head. All I can figure is that I'm not allowing myself to know what I'm really feeling because I don't want to come to grips with it. I fear that if I really do admit some things to myself that I'm going to be ashamed.

I don't even know if I should be ashamed for anything. Or if I even have anything to be ashamed of. I don't know anymore.

Am I jealous? Could that be why I have been so judgemental? I don't want to admit that at all. Even now, after I've already put it into words. Why is it so difficult for me to do? I think Paul understood that but didn't want to say anything to me. I think he was right. And he probably didn't want to tell me because I was having such a hard time dealing with it in the first place and knew that I would freak out if he accused me of being jealous.
Its true though, I am jealous to some degree. I'm also hurt and disgusted as well. I'm hurt that I was tossed aside so easily and of course I'm jealous of who I was replaced by. I'm disgusted because I'm pretty sure that all the reasons I've always held back apply in this situation too, and it still happened. I feel betrayed because I thought he was different than that - I thought he was a better guy than that. Maybe I was blind and had no basis for thinking that he wasn't like every other guy I've ever met. I sure hope that isn't true, but at this point, I really have no idea anymore and he certainly hasn't given me reason for thinking otherwise.
The worst part about the whole situation is that I can't really talk to anyone about it. I can't talk to anyone from Pinehurst about it because I am ashamed of myself. And talking to someone outside of Pinehurst would be difficult because it would require a lot of explanation and I would probably still be pretty ashamed and embarassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to get over this since I haven't gotten to the point where I could talk to someone.

This is one time when I wish I was able to just ignore the things that bother me like so many guys (and some girls, I suppose) are able to. I have never been able to just forget about the things people say or do though. I would say that is probably a bit of good and bad at the same time, but right now, its just bad. Sleep seems to be the closest I can get right now...as long as I can get to sleep.