Some time later...

And I seem to be in a similar position to the last time I really thought about things. For the last 24 hours, I have been entirely unable to rationalize anything that has gone on in my immediate universe. I've been in a complete daze all day long.

Last night, I found out that a good friend's dad died on Sunday. He wasn't very old and wasn't in horrible health, but he had a heart attack on a jetski in Hawaii, on vacation with the family visiting his son. Everytime I hear about someone dying suddenly and entirely unexpectedly, I can't help but go through all the emotions I had when Morgan died. I don't understand the world one bit, and these things make me more and more certain that there really is no rhyme or reason to anything and that there really isn't the "GOD" that so many people insist upon.

This is now the third time that the dad of a friend my age has died in the last three months. I can't even begin to imagine what it is going to be like for those people not to have a parent present at the huge events to come in their lives, like their college graduation, their wedding, the birth of their first child, and all the things parents are supposed to be around to see.

Things didn't get much better today when I got to work either. It didn't help that Lara's response to hearing about my friend's dad was, "they come in three's," which apparently means that I should be waiting for one more person to die here soon.
And then I was forced to face the reality of something that I didn't see coming. I thought things were one way, and it turns out they really aren't even close by any means. I feel horribly betrayed by him, and myself too. I haven't been able to decide if I'm more upset about being betrayed by him or myself though. I can't even untangle my thoughts and figure out what's going on in my head. All I can figure is that I'm not allowing myself to know what I'm really feeling because I don't want to come to grips with it. I fear that if I really do admit some things to myself that I'm going to be ashamed.

I don't even know if I should be ashamed for anything. Or if I even have anything to be ashamed of. I don't know anymore.

Am I jealous? Could that be why I have been so judgemental? I don't want to admit that at all. Even now, after I've already put it into words. Why is it so difficult for me to do? I think Paul understood that but didn't want to say anything to me. I think he was right. And he probably didn't want to tell me because I was having such a hard time dealing with it in the first place and knew that I would freak out if he accused me of being jealous.
Its true though, I am jealous to some degree. I'm also hurt and disgusted as well. I'm hurt that I was tossed aside so easily and of course I'm jealous of who I was replaced by. I'm disgusted because I'm pretty sure that all the reasons I've always held back apply in this situation too, and it still happened. I feel betrayed because I thought he was different than that - I thought he was a better guy than that. Maybe I was blind and had no basis for thinking that he wasn't like every other guy I've ever met. I sure hope that isn't true, but at this point, I really have no idea anymore and he certainly hasn't given me reason for thinking otherwise.
The worst part about the whole situation is that I can't really talk to anyone about it. I can't talk to anyone from Pinehurst about it because I am ashamed of myself. And talking to someone outside of Pinehurst would be difficult because it would require a lot of explanation and I would probably still be pretty ashamed and embarassed. I don't think I'm going to be able to get over this since I haven't gotten to the point where I could talk to someone.

This is one time when I wish I was able to just ignore the things that bother me like so many guys (and some girls, I suppose) are able to. I have never been able to just forget about the things people say or do though. I would say that is probably a bit of good and bad at the same time, but right now, its just bad. Sleep seems to be the closest I can get right now...as long as I can get to sleep.