Unfocused

I had hoped to write about this last night, but due to complications with my password (which ended up not really being complications at all, instead I was just being stupid), I was unable to login. Oh well.

Anyway, the point is that I am completely distracted. I'm nervous, anxious, and anything else that would make sense there. And the worst part is that I can't explain why, not even to myself, let alone to anyone else. I tried to explain it to Paulie today, but it didn't work out. So here it is...

I'm worried that, one day, my friends are going to be gone. I'm not worried about Paulie because I know I won't let him slip away. And I'm not really worried about Lara because she seems to have been pretty preoccupied for the last month or so. She hardly said two sentences to me while I was home last week, so I don't really care so much anymore. (Sidenote: That isn't really true....really, it is depressing to me on a totally different level though.) Ben is the one I'm worried about. I just feel like he could go on with his life just fine if I weren't in it anymore, whereas, I know that if he wasn't in my life anymore, I wouldn't be able to handle it very well. The worst part is that I have no idea if Ben would have any reason to be upset if I disappeared. I hope more than anything that he would be upset if that happened, but I can't think of any reasons why he would be. Maybe that's just me having no self-confidence or faith that Ben wouldn't spend time with me if he didn't want to.

Whether or not any of that is rational at all, it has been the only thing on my mind since I left Denver and got back into Omaha. And because of that, I didn't get anything done Thursday-Sunday, and still haven't gotten anything done yet today.

I have no idea how it will ever be resolved either. It isn't like I could explain any of this to Ben. Or even if I could (and perhaps should), I don't think I would be able to.

But now I have to force myself to write my Brave New World paper and my discussion question for English Lit tomorrow so that I can spend all day tomorrow studying for my Organic Chem exam on Wednesday.

(Another sidenote: I think I would have a fair sized breakdown if some certain people found this worthless little blog...)

slow dancing in a burning room

Procrastinating from editing my paper that's due tomorrow morning. I'll get to it eventually, and then I'll be going to bed.

I'm excited for practice tomorrow because hopefully Anna and I will both be back to coxing varsity boats everyday instead of switching off with a novice boat (ugh).

But I'm not nearly as excited about that as I am about going home on Friday. It seems like just yesterday I was telling Paulie that I wouldn't be home for another month, and now its 4 days, and 19 hours away. Hopefully it will be a few less than that if I get onto the 10am flight instead of the 2:40 flight I have a ticket for. I'll have to figure that out in the next couple days. I also have to figure out what I need to take with me, which means I have to call Ben and see if he's planning on letting me work while I'm home...or perhaps he already put me on the schedule, but I highly doubt it. Can't wait to be home. Even coming back after break will be fun...three days of practice and then our big team bonding event on Sunday night.

Fairly busy week coming up though (but not even close to as bad as last week)...
- English & American Lit paper due tomorrow
- Orgo design your own experiment lab tomorrow
- Orgo midterm Wednesday afternoon
- Interpreting Texts "draft" due Thursday (really need to get started on that one)
- hopefully skipping class on Friday to be on my way home!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We've pulled to many false alarms

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all this sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Cause you can't understand

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
Burning room, burning room
Burning room, burning room
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow