Unfocused

I had hoped to write about this last night, but due to complications with my password (which ended up not really being complications at all, instead I was just being stupid), I was unable to login. Oh well.

Anyway, the point is that I am completely distracted. I'm nervous, anxious, and anything else that would make sense there. And the worst part is that I can't explain why, not even to myself, let alone to anyone else. I tried to explain it to Paulie today, but it didn't work out. So here it is...

I'm worried that, one day, my friends are going to be gone. I'm not worried about Paulie because I know I won't let him slip away. And I'm not really worried about Lara because she seems to have been pretty preoccupied for the last month or so. She hardly said two sentences to me while I was home last week, so I don't really care so much anymore. (Sidenote: That isn't really true....really, it is depressing to me on a totally different level though.) Ben is the one I'm worried about. I just feel like he could go on with his life just fine if I weren't in it anymore, whereas, I know that if he wasn't in my life anymore, I wouldn't be able to handle it very well. The worst part is that I have no idea if Ben would have any reason to be upset if I disappeared. I hope more than anything that he would be upset if that happened, but I can't think of any reasons why he would be. Maybe that's just me having no self-confidence or faith that Ben wouldn't spend time with me if he didn't want to.

Whether or not any of that is rational at all, it has been the only thing on my mind since I left Denver and got back into Omaha. And because of that, I didn't get anything done Thursday-Sunday, and still haven't gotten anything done yet today.

I have no idea how it will ever be resolved either. It isn't like I could explain any of this to Ben. Or even if I could (and perhaps should), I don't think I would be able to.

But now I have to force myself to write my Brave New World paper and my discussion question for English Lit tomorrow so that I can spend all day tomorrow studying for my Organic Chem exam on Wednesday.

(Another sidenote: I think I would have a fair sized breakdown if some certain people found this worthless little blog...)